Monday, June 30, 2008

Fuck Bernie Kosar.

Fuck Bernie Kosar.

Coach and Bukner find themselves sitting in the stands at the Orlando Predators versus the Cleveland Gladiators wildcard game in the Arena League Football Playoffs. The game is already started, and the beers have been flowing for a while.

(Coach)--Look at those assholes run around. I can't believe we don't see any ball control offense in this mutt of a game.
(Bukner)--I know coach, it makes me sad to think a fat boy like me has no use in this league.
(Coach)--We didn't have much use for you in the other league, anyways.
(Bukner)--I did, however, win the National Championship with Coach Saban....
(Coach)--NITELITE!!!!! I told you to stop bringing that up. That was a SPLIT National Championship, if I remember correctly, so you fukers only won HALF a National Championship....
(Bukner)--Whoa, did you see that??
(Coach)--I'm sorry, I didn't mean to spill that beer on you, you know I'd never waste alcohol...
(Bukner)--No, that kid, the one that just caught the touchdown.
(Coach)--Another touchdown? Don't these players ever take breaks? TV timeouts? Anything?
(Bukner)--Yeah, that's when the cheerleaders run out on the field.
(Coach)--Oh, I thought that was how first down worked in the AFL....
(Bukner)--That kid who caught the ball, he looked good. Really good. Almost too good to be here.
(Coach)--I think we are too good to be here. How did we get here anyways? Everything is sorta a blur after 3 O'clock thursday afternoon. What time is it now? Like five in the morning Sunday?
(Bukner)--No, it's six in the evening Monday.
(Coach)--Goddamn it, football season is probably right around the corner, isn't it? What month is it, May?
(Bukner)--Almost July.
(Coach)--GODDAMN FOOTBALL!!!! NITELITE!!!!! Still, I how did we get here? I thought we were in Oaklahoma celebrating the expiring of my 20 year ban from Oaklahoma and Missouri.
(Bukner)--First you got the DUI thursday afternoon. Then we got bailed out just in time to make the fishing trip with Bob Knight. Then you guys got to drinking and berating pedestrians as we drove around trying to find an all nudie strip club in Columbus, OH, and then you heard that Bernie Kosar owned an AFL team and was in the playoffs so I got in touch with Supa Chocolate, one of my Myspace Honnies, to meet us up here.
(Coach)--How do you remember that with all the pot your smokin?
(Bukner)--Think of how smart I would have been. If I didn't smoke pot, and hadn't been a defensive lineman. Don't forget the press conference earlier today where you were supposed to be congradulating high school varsity athletes with 4.0 GPA's and you stopped at the fat kid and said you were done. That even hurt my feelings a little bit.
(Coach)--You've got to remember, Bukner, when I talk about minorities, fat people, pot smokers, or lazy assholes, your the exception to the rule. You are a good driver, after all.
(Bukner)--What would you do if I stopped driving you around? WHOA! Did you see that?
(Coach)--I know, I know, I lit this blunt in here. No one's here. It's fucking Arena League Football. It's like Women's Basketball crossed with racquetball.
(Bukner)--No, The Kid, he just caught another touchdown. That's two just since you stopped being blacked out.
(Coach)--Why are we here again? This game just makes me angry. What about the great defensive stands? What about field goals, punting, and rushing plays? Oh my god it's like watching a porno of Designing Women. See, the other team already scored another touchdown. What's the point?
(Bukner)--Now watch #12 of the Cleveland team. That's the kid I've been talking about. Remember how I am registered as a Sports Agent?
(Coach)--Didn't we pull that scam to get into the Espy's a couple years ago?
(Bukner)--Yeah. And then I had to headlock Drew Rosenhaus and I think I kicked Kate Blanchette in the head.
(Coach)--I sure wish Vince Lombardi's widow was still around....She needs a good kick to the head.....FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK! GOD DAMN I HATE BERNIE KOSAR! Now I remember why we are here! Fuck! Where is he at?? That motherfucker lost to fucking goddamn Doug Flutie the fucking football throwing midget back in 1984. Do you know how much money I lost on that game? Do you know how much I was destined to be the next head coach of Miami---even after the Sugar Bowl incident--if it wasn't for that chocking bastard. I wanna tear him apart. You know I was banned from the Hurricane practice facillities all the way until April of the next year after Bernie Kosar pulled his NFL Draft hyjinks and somehow thought he came out on top going to The Browns. That was when I knew Fate was real.
(Bukner)--I think that's him, the old guy with the headphones on down by the hometeam endzone.
{Bukner restraining Coach}
(Coach)--Let go of me goddamn it! I wanna sock that son of a bitch in the mouth like I did Vince Lombardi's widow at the 1972 Sugar Bowl.
(Bukner)--I will buy you an entire case of beer as soon as I can talk to The Kid. As soon as I get to talk to him then you can kick the living shit out of Bernie Kosar. I'll bail you out again for the second time in a week if I need to. But first let me talk to The Kid. I'm working on a plan. What I'm thinking is now that I have discovered some undiscovered talent, we can both get back into the NFL. Have you ever seen the movie "Kingpin". Just like that.
(Coach)--You know the only movie I watch is "The Longest Yard". With Burt Reynolds as the star, not that pussy Adam Sandler. I think he is jewish, for god's sake. Everyone knows Jews don't play football.....
(Bukner)--See, what had you messed up in the NFL was the ban from Missouri--what, with the St. Louis Rams and all--but now its the best league FOR you to coach in again....
(Coach)--I don't know. Is Art Shell still alive?
(Bukner)--Either he is, or they pretend that he is, like propping him up and doing ventrilliquism, like "Weekend at Bernies".
(Bukner)--Coach, settle down, that security guard is looking at us kinda funny. I'm going to sneak down near the bench and see if I can talk to The Kid in between possessions.
(Coach)--NITELITE!!! What's The Kid's name?
(Bukner)--something Hymes.
(Coach)--Lets call him.....Minnesota.
(Coach)--It's better than Indiana.
(Bukner)--You better not let Bob hear you say that?
(Coach)--Where is he?
(Bukner)--We lost him after he tried to chase down that kid on the bike. I don't know what happened. I've been checking ESPN off and on to try and figure it out....
(Coach)--Well hurry up and do your thing, I'm sick of waiting.
(Bukner)--Just drink the rest of the beers and get some more if I'm not back before they stop selling them at the beginnning of the 4th quarter.

Bukner sneaks down past all the empty seats to stand just behind "Minnesota" Hymes as the Gladiator offense watched the Predator offense throw hail mary after hail mary. It was still the 3rd quarter, and they were ahead. Coach almost vomited in his seat, both from alcohol and the absurdity of it all.

(Bukner)--Psst. Psst. Hey. You. #12. HYMES!
{finally Hymes turns around}
(Bukner)--Do you wanna play REAL football? I mean, in the NFL?
(Hymes)--Who are you, mister? I don't need to get caught up in nothing shady.
(Bukner)--I'm a sports agent.
(Hymes)--Oh, that's okay, I thought you were with those Italian guys trying to get us to throw the game.
(Bukner)--Me and Coach can get you into the NFL.
(Hymes)--Coach who?
(Bukner)--That's not important right now. Do you remember the 1972 Sugar Bowl?
(Bukner)--Forget it, you'll know soon enough....Anyways, if you're interested, come to the Travel Lodge down by the highway. When you get to it turn left. You'll pass a Super-8, a Motel 7, and the 666 Lounge. The very next apartment complex is where you turn right, then two quick lefts back to back. Then stop. Turn off your lights. Turn them back on three times. Then turn them back off. A girl named Supa Chocolate will come down to your car and just tell her you need to know where Coach and Bukner are at. I'm Bukner.
(Hymes)--I'll try and remember all that, but I am still in the middle of a playoff game here.
(Bukner)--Forget this garbage. You'll be playing on a full-sized field with full-sized players soon enough. {Bukner looks back to see Coach in the middle of a heap of security guards and batons}Plus I think we are about to have to go....

Minnesota Hymes