Saturday, August 30, 2008

Tommy Bowden and Nick NITELITE Saban Collide!

Tommy Bowden and Nick NITELITE Saban Collide!
for Gods Among Men: Coaches and Coordinators in the SEC

"So that's Nitelite? He doesn't look that scary..."

The Clemson Tigers have been clamoring for recognition this off-season, and with an assembly of talent unmatched in the ACC, if the Clemson "Snooty" Tigers can get by Nick NITELITE Saban and the Alabama Crimson Tide tonight in the season opener, the "Snooty" Tigers should experience clear sailing until they reach the ACC championship game. A big part of Tommy Bowden’s team’s success this year may be attributed to the contributions of true freshman DE DaQuan Bowers, who many considered to be the nation’s best overall recruit. Expectations for Clemson are the highest since 1991.

The truth is this: if Tommy Bowden fails to put away Alabama tonight, he will likely be out of a job come January. If the Tigers fail to win the ACC or make a BCS Bowl, I think Tommy Bowden will be sent packing. Tommy Bowden’s ass should be immune to heat after years of under achieving, but it will be the hottest season yet if his Tigers don’t deliver on lofty expectations. Given the right circumstances, the biggest of which is the current weakness of the ACC, and it is foreseable for Clemson to work their way into the national championship debate. But if Clemson loses to Alabama and Nick NITELITE Saban, Bowden will return to his annual spot on the hot seat. Clemson never seems to do anything that truly impresses people. Alabama might have had the best recruiting class in the nation this past spring, but James Davis, C.J. Spiller, and a talented and deep Clemson roster look to steamroll the best Saban can patch together this early into the season.

While Tommy Bowden is a nationally recognized choke artist, and Saban could clearly out coach him with an equal team, Bowden may benefit from having caught Alabama early and inexperienced. Bowden has been on the hot seat more times than the number of pairs of ugly sunglasses that his dad owns. Saban will out scheme and out play-call Bowden to keep this one close even though the talent levels are not even comparable.

If there are any two coaches that cannot afford a loss on opening day it is Tommy Bowden and Nick NITELITE Saban. Bowden is entering his tenth season at Clemson, and has recruited a very talented group of players onto this ’08 team, so there is no excuse in the world for Bowden and the Tigers to lose to a second year coach that took over what was nothing more than a demoralized football program when Saban arrived in Tuscaloosa in January of 2007. Bowden has everything going for him in this game, and a loss to Alabama in a game that Clemson should not only win, but dominate, would be the first and quickest step to an abrupt exit. Tommy Bowden enters Saturday night’s game against Alabama on the Hot Seat in front of the entire nation, and it will be very interesting to see if Bowden can step-up and prove he deserves to be mentioned with the best coaches in the game. Lose to Alabama, and it might lead to the entire season unraveling for Clemson. It will be a fascinating match up to see how Bowden and Saban perform under the pressure of the national spotlight.

"...damn I hate losing...."

Long shot For Heisman, Biggest Hurdle LSU

Long shot For Heisman, Biggest Hurdle LSU
for Heisman Hopefuls

Armanti Edwards, flying over Les Miles' beloved Michigan

Entering the August 30th season opening first ever match-up between defending National Champions, much of the expectation and hope for the Appalachian State Mountaineers rests squarely on the shoulders of their junior quarterback, Armanti "Money" Edwards.

"Anybody that plays sports should go in expecting to win," said Edwards, who accounted for an amazing 3,536 yards and 38 touchdowns in 2007 as a sophmore.

While LSU was invited to the BCS National Title game due to a complex and murky combination of mathematical and voting conditions and back alley political dealings, where LSU decidedly defeated the Ohio State Buckeyes in a rout that made people wonder for the second year in a row, "How did Ohio State even get there?". Appalachian State, on the other hand, played through a playoff in what was formerly called "Division IAA" (now "Football Championship Subdivision"), and some believe that Armanti Edward's campaign for the 2008 Heisman Trophy began last December with an epic performance in the Mountaineers' 55-35 win over Richmond in the FCS semifinals: 313 yards and four touchdowns rushing; 14-of-16 for 182 yards and three TDs passing.

Years ago, when Mike Vick was still a Virginia Tech Hokie, he was thought to be the heralding of a new type of "athletic quarterback" that would eventually become the norm throughout every level of football. While this golden age has not completely began yet--and Mike Vick is not, and probably never was, considered a "dual-threat" with anything other than crime and drugs--Armanti Edwards is no doubt one of the elite dual-threat quarterbacks in the game.

Appalachian State coach Jerry Moore believes that Edwards is a top-flight talent. "He could play at any school in the United States," said Moore. "He's not going to go to West Virginia and beat that guy [Pat White] out there, he's not going to go to Florida and beat that guy [Tebow] out there. But another school in that same league, he could go play."

While Appalachian State and Edwards may be notable to the average football fan only for last year's historically improbable win over then-#5 ranked Michigan, his 22-2 record as a starter is what warrants further attention. Two consecutive FCS National Titles (three for Appalachian State), team records in almost every conceivable offensive category, and being on the watch list for the Walter Payton Award again this season--winning would make it his third straight, Armanti Edwards is now without a doubt the highest profile FCS player of all time.

Since the NCAA instituted the IA/IAA distinction in 1978, only two lower-division players have finished among the Heisman finalists -- Holy Cross's Gordie Lockbaum (fifth in 1986, third in '87) and Alcorn State's Steve McNair (third in 1994). Four others, including Jerry Rice (Mississippi Valley State), placed in the top 10 in the early '80s.

"If he continues to play and perform at the level he is now, I think he deserves the opportunity to be on those 'Heisman Watch' lists," said Moore.

The Michigan Win may have been enough to solidify a legend in Armanti Edwards and bring the spotlight finally to a powerhouse FCS team that had long been ignored outside of their immediate geographical zone and beyond the student population, in 2008 it will again be an opening game of tremendous magnitude that will define a season for Edwards and The Mountaineers, a season only hours old will be remembered by most for the results of one game, the first game, the game that has been on the minds of The Mountaineers continuously for well over a year.

The legendary date with Michigan had originally been scheduled as a game at LSU, but was changed so that it could be televised this year. Les Miles had this to say after The Michigan Win when asked , if the Appalachian State game is a cautionary tale for other highly-ranked teams...“I can only tell you that the men that represent Michigan are hard pressed to find a smile. I believe that they understand adversity and they will do the right things. I trust and am comfortable with what Lloyd Carr will have them do. It is not the first time, during many seasons there are times where you have to pick yourself up and play. I also understand that Appalachian State is a great football team. No one has to apologize for the style they are. They are a winning team and a national championship team. There is a constant reminder with any team that takes the field. If you are not ready to play your opponent, you suddenly become very even. If you don’t have intensity and a want to compete then suddenly you become very average...”

Lloyd Carr was already a coach on his way out, and Appalachian State's win over Michigan may have sealed that fate even more so than later losing efforts against Oregon, Wisconsin and arch-rival Ohio. Les Miles, in fact, was highly speculated to be on the short list to replace Carr, a rumor that dogged him most of last season. It is no secret that Les Miles' allegiances lie mostly in the Big 10.

What may be the biggest factor in Appalachian States' chances against LSU may be in the high-flying spread offense that they utilize. Michigan was ill-prepared for the largely southern-style offense, whereas it is nothing new for an LSU team that routinely plays spread offenses such as Florida, South Carolina, Kentucky, and now Auburn. Armanti Edwards may need more athletes to help him than he has available. "We know we're a huge underdog and the chances are even worse than David and Goliath," Moore said. "We don't have enough stones up here, but we're looking forward to it."

The quarterback situation at LSU is less than decided, and presumptive starter Andrew Hatch, a dropout from Harvard, has only thrown two passes in his entire college career. Redshirt freshman Jarrett Lee is continually injured, and true freshman Jordan Jefferson is also available should Hatch and Lee both falter. "Obviously they're a quality program, but playing a team like Michigan with tradition like that, it was definitely surprising," Hatch said. "I guess we're just preparing. We respect all of our opponents and we'll be ready to go like any other week."

Les Miles, the notoriously lazy coach who is apt to under prepare himself and his team for a game, only began coaching his team specifically against what they saw from game film--largely the Michigan game film--starting this past week. On paper, and using conventional college football wisdom, Appalachian State shouldn't have a chance at LSU. They have 22 fewer scholarships (85-63) and are out sized on both lines. After using less than 40 players at Michigan, they'll likely face hot, humid conditions in the Bayou, three years after they lost there 24-0. Appalachian State did not switch to their current offense until midway through that season, and have a 36-4 record since the shift to the spread offense. LSU is itself well-known to bog down and play as if inadequately conditioned for the climate conditions experienced in Death Valley, LSU's stadium. The game being moved to 11:00am from it's planned 4:00pm kickoff due to concerns over Hurricane Gustav may have a great effect in helping both teams avoid early-season conditioning problems, but if any do take place, you can expect them on the LSU team more so than on the highly athletic Mountaineers.

The effects of a win for the Appalachian State Mountaineers could have profound effects on the season and the national perception of college football. If for the second year in a row a team that wins it's "National Title" by outright competition can take down a supposed "Division IA" powerhouse, and in this case, the defending National Champion, the ripple effect could lead to a re-examination of the Bowl Championship Series, and the often resulting controversies that come up almost every season when seemingly one deserving team is left out of the hunt for the BCS Championship. A paradigm shift, including recognition for Armanti Edwards, and more national exposure for FCS footall, could follow immediately this season and in the years to follow.

What stands before Appalachian State today is for them to daringly display under the national spotlight what they have been doing largely in the shadows for over three years. They may catch Les Miles and the LSU Tigers sleeping, and even if they are wide awake, Appalachian State may take them down in a straight-up fight. Les Miles and his LSU Tigers have much more to lose than the Appalachian State Mountaineers, and the best team will win.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Les Miles, Incredibly Big Douchebag

Les Miles, Incredibly Big Douchebag
for Gods Among Men: Coaches and Coordinators in the SEC

Les Miles, confused, trying to figure out what that thing with the blinky lights and numbers is doing up in the rafters.

Just as our anti-hero Nick NITELITE Saban refuses to say his successor in LSU's name, so have my friends and I avoided saying the name "Les Miles". There are a lot of reasons, and most of them are related to the fact that he is one of the biggest douchebags in the whole world. I have tried Law and Order: Heinous Crimes Unit-style to reproduce the strange timeline of how Les Miles got destroyed by his rival Oklahoma when coaching Oklahoma State to such a degree that it has been referred to variously, especially pre-Michigan vs. Appalachian State 2007, as one of the most embarrassing losses is the history of Human Athletics, and ended up being the coach at LSU, but have not been able to unravel such twists of fortune yet.

What I can do, however, is make a very detailed top 10 list of the biggest reasons Les Miles has, until now, not been worthy of proper-name reference and why we like to call him "The Incredibly Big Douchebag".

10. "I'm not sure that we could have beaten Oklahoma on that day," Les Miles said two days after his Cowboys were routed, 52-9, by the top-ranked Sooners, November 1, 2003. By that he doesn't mean "I didn't have the right players", because he did. By that he didn't mean that the fans weren't behind his team, because they were. What he meant was that he was too stupid to work hard enough on a game plan to beat arch-rival Oklahoma. "(Saturday) was Oklahoma's day. Frankly, there's no excuses. Certainly we'd have liked to made a better showing for ourselves than we did."

Les Miles wasn't sure that his over matched team could have done even that against the Sooners, and that's why a humiliating loss hurts even worse. His players disagreed.

"The feeling of losing is horrible in general," receiver D'Juan Woods said. "We put a lot into the game."

But you know who didn't? Les Miles.

9. During LSU's "Recruiting Bash" on National Signing Day in February 2007, Les Miles said, referring to recruits: “So five from Texas. We took four from Florida. We took two from Alabama. You bet you’re ass We’re looking forward to playing Florida. We’re looking forward to playing Auburn, but we have a new rival in fucking Alabama.”

Which was fine. We all agree. Nitelite agrees. Everyone agrees. If you say, "Fuck you Nick Saban," Nitelite says, "Fuck you" back. It's how the trash talking works. Trash talking sells newspapers and advertising on your weekly radio show. We are down.

What DOESN'T sell newspapers or advertising on radio shows is APOLOGIZING for the shit every time you open your mouth about Alabama or Nick Saban for the rest of your life. Guess what, we hate you too. It's like the kind of hate you have for your new girlfriend's old boyfriends, it's pointless and often sent into some futile void. Don't be a grown up and pretend like it doesn't exist. It is your right to hate Nick NITELITE Saban. By being a wimpy bitch about it, you are most certainly a doucebag.

8. Les Miles famously never plays in the celebrity golf tournaments versus Nitelite, Spurrier, and The Crew. He used to pretend it was because he was too hard at work "coaching". We know now that to be a bunch of bullshit. By "we know that now" I am considering the fact that LSU is gonna get their bell rung by Appalachian State. When Les Miles cries after the game, that will be the 11th reason he is the world's biggest douchebag. The experience will make him spiritually closer to his most beloved alma mater Michigan, who endured a similar trouncing last year.

7. Les Miles often cites the bullshit coaches he used to run around with up North, and then sneak in names of other coaches who in real life wouldn't give him the time of day. There is a reason none of the other SEC coaches ever talk about him. Refer back to number's 8-9.

6. Les Miles is known for wearing a clownishly big trucker's cap on top of his ridiculously Napoleonic frame. Douchebag. A panama hat worked perfect for Nitelite down on the bayou. The only person saying you can't copy him is you. YOU are the one with all these emotional hangups about Nick NITELITE Saban, not him. He can't even remember your fucking name. He just remembers you talked the tiniest amount of shit one time and have back peddled every since. To him you are a receding spot on the horizon. When he hears "Comfortably Numb" he thinks of you. And once you go back to the Big 10, we will all soon forget you.

6.5. Les Miles ditched his high school date to the junior prom so that he could go with another girl. Kept calling the other girl's house all night telling her that he would be there soon to pick her up. She waited all night and got made up and ready for nothing. Douchebag.

5. Every time Coach Les "Mad Hater" Miles loses he uses the whole "I can't believe we didn't lose worse" ploy. That is the biggest head coach douchebag excuse ever devised by man.

4. Les Miles Pretends to be down with rap music. He isn't down.

3. Les Miles voted for President Bush. I can see the similarities, both are douchebags given to losing really big games. They are also similar in that they do things the simplest, easiest, laziest way possible. There is a big reason why LSU is known to be the worst conditioned team in the SEC. They bog down in Death Valley worse than the away team almost every single game.

2.5. Les Miles continues to use the term "The Superbowl of College Football" whenever he mentions to anyone how he won the national championship himself, personally, last year. It is grating the nerves of every single person in his life. And he never stops mentioning how he won "The Superbowl of College Football" all day long--when he isn't sleeping--but while he is eating, drinking, or lackisdasially "coaching".

2. Les Miles pretends that he lost stuff in Hurricane Katrina to people that don't know any better.

1. The "Mad Hater" let Rick Clausen school him in September 2005 LSU vs. Tennessee match-up. How he continued on as LSU's coach is beyond my understanding. Letting Rick Clausen school you is grounds for losing your US Citizenship, and also a blanket exemption from purgatory if you kill yourself.


"They’re going to play real knockdown, drag-outs with UCLA and Washington, Cal-Berkeley, Stanford — some real juggernauts....And they’re going to end up, it would be my guess, in some position so if they win a game or two, that they’ll end up in the title (game). I would like that path for us."
--Les Miles, 2007 SEC Media Days. The PAC-10 has had him on their target ever since, including using their votes to help propel Ohio State--Les Miles' personal arch-rival considering his life-long Michigan leanings and affiliation--into the National Title game once USC was not going to make it.

My personal suggestion for Les Miles in reversing the media and fan perception of his being a douchebag, an apologetic non-competitive opportunist who can win only with Nick NITELITE Saban's players?

Talk more shit. Talk more shit to the PAC-10, talk more shit to the SEC, and pretend to talk shit to the Big 10 until he eventually takes the job in Michigan once Rich "I don't care what you do as long as you run it" Rodriquez flames out.

And The Envelope Is In, Sarah Palin To Be McCain's Runing Mate

And The Envelope Is In, Sarah Palin To Be McCain's Running Mate
for 24-Hours of Propaganda

In one of the boldest and most brilliant moves of the entire election campaign, John McCain announced today that Sarah Palin, Alaska of Governor, is going to be his Vice-Presidential running mate.

Sarah Palin, Governor of Alaska, Republican Vice-Presidential Candidate. Hot.

John McCain makes the move in hopes of solidifying his growing base of defecting Hillary Clinton voters. Despite what Clinton has done since losing the Democratic Primary to dark horse Barack Obama, most of it publicly has been geared at receiving relief of her massive campaign debt. There has been no relief of the growing animosity between Clinton, Obama, and the battle ground of the Democratic Party.

McCain's announcement takes the wind out of the sails of the Democratic National Convention, as it had already been reported that Obama was going to go with the seasoned veteran of Joe Biden, a foreign policy expert and well-respected legislater on both sides of the aisle. Essentially, Obama took the "safe pick", letting down many of Clinton's supporters who did not realize that she would have had to turn down any interest in being Vice-President due to the invasive and rigours "vetting process" due presumptively to the shady operations of various investments involving her and her husband, former President Bill Clinton.

Look for a shaky few days as Palin's record for compromise on issues she has personal convictions on while legislating for the benefit of everyone takes time to fully surface. On the surface her issues platform may look to be diametrically opposed to that which most Clinton supporters have followed Clinton on, but the McCain Campaign will soon be able to pigeon-hole her into the niche that fills the hole in their heart after having the possibilities of 8 more years of "Clinton Utopia" snatched from their grasp by Obama, who many feel has a quickly diminishing chance of winning the election.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Review of "How to Walk Away" by Juliana Hatfield

Review of "How to Walk Away" by Juliana Hatfield
for The Corner News

Juliana Hatfield has been an uncompromising, largely independant and personally self-driven artist for the last twenty years, and about "How to Walk Away", her 10th solo studio album, the artist says, "I feel like my voice has grown into itself and I'm not struggling so much against its little-girl-ness." Indeed, her voice does seem to embody a spirit similar to other female vocalists such as Sheryl Crow or Hope Sandoval and still remain unique and fresh. "This Lonely Love" features Richard Butler of the Psycadelic Fur's and has the feel of an instant radio hit. "My Baby" is a gentle and bittersweet love song, and "Shining On" is reminiscent of early Verucca Salt, minus the angst. Hatfield's excellence makes one wonder, where has she been hiding for the last 20 years?

Jimmy Clausen, The Kid with the Golden Funnel

Jimmy Clausen, The Kid with the Golden Funnel
for Troublemakers around the SEC

Jimmy "The Kid with the Golden Arm" Clausen awaiting the arrival of his passport in the mail. He has a banging trip to Amsterdam lined up but will be cutting it close with the passport. Why can't they just email those things?

True, Jimmy Clausen isn't in the SEC, but he probably should be. We have Fat Phil Fulmer to thank that this amazing talent slipped through his fingers and landed squarely at Notre Dame.

It has never been easy to the youngest brother, the most talented brother, in a rather pitiful Football Family Dynasty. Coaches pretending to call for your brother and keeping you up all hours of the night from such a very young age. There was no doubt that Jimmy Clausen, the kid dubbed by ESPN as "The Kid with the Golden Arm", would some day find the pressure to much to bear.

Casey Clausen was the oldest, and from 2000-2003 lead the Tennessee Volunteers to a 34-10 record, an SEC East Championship and a near BCS Championship Game Berth. Middle brother, Rick, was the journeyman with little talent, as history records, having started his career at LSU, playing in 3 games and starting 1. Later, Nick NITELITE Saban was going to pull Clausen's scholarship, so he transferred to Tennessee, presumably to be a backup quarterback.

The Clausen family had other ideas, however, knowing that Fat Phil Fulmer would do anything to win them over into sending their youngest son, Jimmy, to Tennessee. Rick became a pawn in the ensuing drama, and recieved a disproportionate amount of playing time. It came as a complete surprise and nearly a very abrupt end to Fat Phil Fulmer's career when Jimmy Clausen rode a stretch Hummer limousine up to the College Football Hall of Fame in South Bend, Indiana, on April 22, 2006 and verbally committed to the University of Notre Dame. Bejeweled and wearing a gigantic white fur coat, he stated his goal was to win four National Titles with the Fighting Irish.

Fat Phil Fulmer felt like his whole world was falling apart. Every where he turned, he thought he saw Charlie Weis in the shadows, following him. Fulmer had mortgaged so much of his future on getting Jimmy Clausen specifically he had not even paid attention to other quarterback recruits. Several possibilities had died on the vine, and now he had to explain to the boosters how they would have to live through another whole season with sub-par Erik Ainge. Then a brainstorm hit him--paint Clausen's own ludicrous verbal commitment ceremony as an indication that he had "character issues", which even sounded counter-intuitive coming out of his own mouth. Hadn't he already coached an all-star list of criminals and deviants? Why not one more, especially Jimmy Clausen, who had been labeled as a "once in a decade" talent? Hadn't the Clausen Family been an endless fiasco, causing problems with boosters, wanting all sorts of "presents", getting on the upwards of 30 or 40 will-call tickets per game? Where was the ultimate payoff?

So when Clausen picked up his first alcohol-related arrest in the early summer, Fulmer could relax, and somehow lucked his way with largely unserviceable Erik Ainge into the SEC Championship game, while Charlie Weis and Jimmy Clausen went 2-7.

Then, this summer, as if by divine intervention, Jimmy Clausen was embroiled in more controversy when pictures of him and several other teammates, all underage, appearing at the "Beer Olympics", surfaced on the internet.

I am for one disappointed that Fat Phil Fulmer couldn't close the deal on Jimmy Clausen. At least then we'd have this controversy squarely in the SEC, and Tennessee specifically, where it deserves to be.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Nick NITELITE Saban, hot on the recruiting trail, class of 2018

Nick NITELITE Saban, hot on the recruiting trail, class of 2018
for Gods Among Men: Coaches and Coordinators in the SEC

No one has ever questioned Nick NITELITE Saban's ability as a recruiter--this year's incoming haul is of such tremendous potential that many around Bama Nation are anxiously awaiting the "Freshman Tide". Led by Foley-phenom Julio Jones, the number one reciever recruit in the nation on many prospect rating services, Saban's entire class is full of potential instant impact players, including Don'ta Hightower, Devonta Bolden, Terrance Cody, and Kerry Murphy.

But the quarterback of the future may be current 8-year old Brentwood, California, quarterback, godson to none other than the Iowa Hawkeye's own Tom Arnold.

Tom Arnold, minutes before his godson's first official college tryout. Nick NITELITE Saban was impressed. Serious accusations of Recruiting Violations may stem from the incident, as "A Division I college may not provide recruiting materials to a prospect in this sport (including e-mail, instant messages, text messages, faxes and general correspondence related to athletics) until September 1 at the beginning of the prospect's junior year in high school". Hopefully no brochures changed hands....

Tom Arnold's take on the meeting: " G-Friend went to Bama..she’s got a place there, Nick Saban used to coach in the Big I took my godson, his mom and sisters to a closed practice with the AD[athletic director Mel Moore] to watch and say hello to Nick. (I did remind him of the Capital One Bowl a few years back and he’s a great guy so..:) My godson, who’s the best 8 year old quarterback in Brentwood California, is being forced to go to Alabama (unless he gets into Harvard) by is mother."

Nick NITELITE Saban's increasing national noteriety and Star Power will no doubt lead to more atheletes scooped from the upper-crust of the West Coast Media Elite.

You Can't Hold a Drunk Like Britton Colquitt Down

You Can't Hold a Drunk Like Britton Colquitt Down
for Troublemakers Around the SEC

Tennessee Punter Britton Colquitt is probably drunk in this photo

Tennessee's game against Southern Mississippi snapped a very important streak in the hearts of Rocky Top Nation. It had been 71 games since the punting duties were handled by someone other than a member of the Colquitt family. Punting is very important at Tennessee, where scoring points is often viewed as not nearly as important as pinning the opposing offense at a very disadvantageous position. No team in the nation has been as prolific a punter as Tennessee in the previous almost-decade. In a game called "football", Tennessee has not forgotten about "the foot".

Dustin Colquitt was the 3rd round draft pick for the Kansas City Chiefs in 2005, older brother to Britton Colquitt, both of whom's father was a twice Super Bowl ring winning punter for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Britton took over punting for Tennessee, a family obligation of sorts, at the start of the 2005 season. There had already been trouble for the youth, however, and it would not end there.

As an incoming Freshman Colquitt was suspended from the team for a string of drunken disorderly situations, ranging from DUI to intoxicated brawls with women and children in restaurants. No one was safe from his short-lived reign of terror around Knoxville, Tennessee. The hometown hero-boy was ruining not only his future, but the now stately family image. Suspending him from the team, however, at the time, would not threaten "the streak", which had taken on a personality of sorts that loomed greater than even coach Fat Phil Fulmer's in the imagination of Rocky Top Nation. A Colquitt must punt, and as long as Dustin was available, Fulmer was free to discipline the younger Britton, which included the team sanctioning him and mandating that he complete his legally imposed sanctions and attend alcohol counseling.

The rumors never really subsided, though. Knoxville, Tennessee, is a very small place compared to a lot of sporting markets, and just because it's stadium can hold on the upwards of 108,000 fans doesn't mean that The Truth won't simmer below the surface of things, ready to explode in ways no one is quite ready for. On the outside it might have seemed to outsiders, and even some that thought they knew him best, that Britton Colquitt had tempered down his ways. The notoriously fun-loving and irresponsibly drinking Colquitt, who was expected to live up to his older brother's reputation as a "man about campus", lived a double life, hiding his activities from his loved ones and people who thought they knew him best.

Says Frank Gillespie, a former walk on at Oregon in 2005 as a place-kicker, "It's no secret. Punters and kickers drink at practice all the time. We get out on the practice field about 1:15, 1:30, almost an hour before anyone else, and by 4:00pm, we are usually taking vodka shots out of water bottles or tearing open a case of beer and tossing it in a cooler of ice. Anyone that's ever been to a practice has probably seen us doing that. In fact, I think that's probably where Kellen Clemens picked up the habit." Gillespie did not make the active roster and remained with Oregon's practice squad for one season.

Dinky McConnell, an independent college scout who once saw Colquitt play in a game in high school had this to add. "Coach Fulmer must have known for all this time that he had a problem with Britton Colquitt. We live in the modern age, and no secrets can be kept. It's become a joke around Knoxville to 'be as drunk as Britton Colquitt'. That's been for a couple years. So for Fulmer to act now, to a degree not even as severe as he has been towards other players, is beyond reprehensible." The very same week that Britton Colquitt's most recent drunken rage took place, two other Tennessee players had been dismissed from the team, linebacker Dorian Davis and defensive back Antonio Wardlow. Both are of African-American descent, and the vibe from many of the Tennessee faithful is that race and athletic performance determined the disparity of discipline. Reports that Jerod Mayo, former Tennessee linebacker and first round draft pick of the Patriots in this past April's draft, may have left the team because of unrest with the coaching staff have not been substantiated. Mayo had graduated in December and was not expected to return. Tennessee has been plagued by tension and racial issues before, notably during the 1998 and 2006 seasons. That it is Britton Colquitt's legendarily drunken and insanely idiotic behavior that is drawing the situation to a head may just be a matter of circumstance.

What is clear, however, is that Britton Colquitt is the current poster-boy for the baddest college football program in the land. Colquitt's arrest capped off a six-week team crime spree that had police and federal investigators reeling for months in Knoxville. First, Knoxville police cited freshmen wide receivers Gerald Jones and Ahmad Paige for possession of marijuana following a traffic stop near campus while the two hosted a recruit from Oklahoma on his official visit. Freshman offensive lineman William Brimfield who was with Paige and Jones at the time was not charged by police, but was disciplined by Fulmer nonetheless. Ten days later UT police arrested freshman tailback Daryl Vereen for public intoxication and underage consumption after responding to a call of a fight in progress outside Gibbs Hall, an on-campus residence hall located across the street from the Neyland-Thompson Sports Center. Less than a week later Knoxville police arrested junior All-SEC lineman Anthony Parker for disorderly conduct at an off-campus apartment complex. A quiet week and half took place before walk-on defensive back Vince Faison was arrested for DUI after UT police found the 27-year-old former professional baseball player passed out behind the wheel of his truck in the parking lot of an on-campus fast-food restaurant with the engine running and his foot on the brake pedal with the vehicle in gear. Then Fulmer dismissed sophomores Dorian Davis and Antonio Wardlow for an undisclosed violation of team rules. Both players had been arrested within the last year and a half. In the last 10 years two Coach Fulmer recruited players have gone on to kill people, Dwayne Goodrich and the celebrated Leonard Little. Others in Coach Fulmer's list of notably infamous players coached include Jamal Lewis, who served time in federal prison for his involvement in a drug deal. Travis Henry, who has fathered a minimum of nine children by nine different women and whose lawyer has said; "...doesn't have any money. The guy has significant financial issues". Albert Haynesworth was the talk of the NFL in 2006 when he viciously stomped on a Dallas player’s face during a game and almost killed him.

In general, the national perception of Tennessee has been solidified as a preeminent leader in off-the-field transgressions, rivaling even the current Cincinnati Bengals or the legendary Miami Hurricanes of the 1980's and 1990's. In the 1995 even Sports Illustrated advocated for the temporary suspension if not permanent termination of Miami's football program.

Coach Fulmer has been on the hot-seat off and on for a few years, and his most recent brush with unemployment came when he failed to sign highly sought after recruit Jimmy "The Kid With the Golden Arm" Clausen. There was speculation that Rick Clausen, Jimmy Clausen's older brother, played sparingly his senior year only because of ongoing negotiations with the Clausen family, and Fulmer came under intense fire when Jimmy Clausen ultimately decided on Notre Dame. Ironically, Jimmy Clausen has come under scrutiny for alcohol related off-field transgressions, and would have fit in perfectly in Fulmer's program.

So, during the evening of February 16 and early morning of February 17, 2008, as Britton Colquitt proceeded to get intoxicated far beyond the legal limit, little did he know the future of his Coach's career may be hanging in the balance, and ultimately, that his actions may have a direct and lasting effect in nearing the University of Tennessee to it's decision in replacing Fat Phil Fulmer. Knoxville police arrested Colquitt for DUI and leaving the scene of an accident after he struck a parked car, causing damage to parked cars, public spaces, and a tree stump. Upon being detained by police, Colquitt was so drunk that he could barely stand up and had apparently urinated on himself.

One of Colquitt's high school sweethearts, Becca, rose to his aide publicly after his arrest, stating, in part, " I...dated him in high school and have remained close with him since. He is a wonderful, kind, caring young man that any person would be privileged to know. He knows his mistakes, owned up to them and is making the changes that need to be made to better himself and everyone involved. He has accepted his consequences every time, this one included…even more so this time. He has a lot on him right now....Do you not think he gets it?…that he understands whats a stake here? Can you imagine the pressure he walks around with on a daily basis before this…then think about it now. Have you never made the same mistake more than once? I doubt it."

Coach Fulmer came under immediate fire for the Colquitt debacle and his subsequently soft punishment, and no one was more vocal than John Adams of in calling for Fulmer's immediate dismissal. Untold large amounts of donor money has stopped flowing into Tennessee's coffers, and the cupboard is already noticeably bare of up-coming blue-chip quarterback or skill player talent. How much longer can Coach Fulmer hold his tenuous grasp on his job?

Maybe exactly as long as Britton Colquitt can stay off the sauce, stop driving around, not beat up innocent people in restaurants, and commit as few felonies and misdemeanors as possible. In the end, it might be difficult for Colquitt to be remembered as a "coach killer" when the coach was killed by how many killers he has already coached.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Main Event 3 Defeats Hurricane Faye

Main Event 3 Defeats Hurricane Faye
for The Corner News

Hurricane Faye did its best to drown the excitement at Main Event III, to no avail. Sheets of pummeling rain could not douse the fire of the biggest MMA and Boxing event in Auburn History. Hundreds flocked to the Best Western Hotel's second floor to see fighters from all over the Southeast congregate for what turned out to be a non-stop spectacle. Music and reasonably priced refreshments were on hand, and DJ Holleywood's signature party atmosphere went until closing time at The After Party.

With barely a few minutes between each fight, and standing room only midway through the night in the general admission area, the energy and excitement were intense. The Auburn Budweiser Girls were on hand, as were Mix 96.7's Tige Rodgers and Daniel Baker. Fight enthusiasts were pleased with the sheer amount of hardcore action they were able to see in one night, for half of the cost of buying a UFC Pay-Per-View. Team Rush performed as many expected, going 7-0 and dominating.

Maybe the most telling detail I saw in the lobby as I came in, a large family from Indiana that had already booked several rooms was fleeing the hotel into the stormy night, the mother complaining that the skirts were too short, the music too loud, and the fights too brutal. They left even though they could not get their deposit back on the rooms, and were not sure where they would go. There were a few high school age kids with them, and I'd like to think that they will no doubt soon be excitedly enrolling in Auburn.

My Picks for Week 1 of SEC Action

My Picks for Week 1 of SEC Action
for 24-Hours of Propaganda

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Vanderbilt (0-0)
Miami Oh (0-0)

7:30 PM VANDY: 91% My pick: Vanderbilt. Only because I want them to win. I generally want every SEC team to win every out of conference game.

NC State (0-0)
S Carolina (0-0)

8:00 PM USC: 87% My pick: South Carolina. Spurrier should have an ingenious game plan drawn up, and even if he does end up going with the punter at quarterback the Wolfpack will go down. I expect to see The Visor be thrown about five minutes before halftime, and again in the middle of the third quarter, after which it may not be put back on. For Blake Mitchell the Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome will finally start wearing off, and he may be able to sleep a whole night and know that Spurrier will not be sending him random football related txt messages late in the night and early in the morning, tormenting him.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Ga Southern (0-0)
Georgia (0-0)

12:30 PM UGA: 99%. My Pick: UGA. Georgia Southern suspending something on the upwards of 8 players for this game ensures that UGA will have to try hard not to go over the 90 point spread. I think The Spread is going to be more than The Over.

Hawaii (0-0)
Florida (0-0)

12:30 PM UF: 97% My Pick: Florida. Apparently 97% of people agree. The other three percent live in Hawaii. They'd have a strong case if they still had Colt Brennan, who has looked fantastic for the Redskins in the preseason.

Appalachian St (0-0)
LSU (0-0)

5:00 PM LSU: 96% My Pick: Appalachian State. I am of the 4% who remember the first week of the season last year, and Appalachian State upsetting Michigan in "the biggest upset in sporting history" (before the Super Bowl in February). Not only that, but I remember that their quarterback ran for and passed for 17 touchdowns last year running the Spread Offense. I have also heard rumors that in Division II (now referred to by the NCAA as "football championship subdivision") they actually have a football playoff, and somehow, by some sort of weird Division II magic, play to determine the National Title, without an ensuing loss of academic integrity or sheer anarchy that would happen if we were to do that in Division I (now referred to by the NCAA as "football bowl subdivision"). Ironically, the Appalachain State Mountaineers are the three-time defending Division II (FCS) National Champion. This matchup will be the first time that the defending Div I (FBS) and Div II (FCS) champions will meet on the field. My decision goes based almost entirely on the two sets of QB stories behind the teams. ASU's junior quarterback, Armanti Edwards, is probably already the most successful quarterback in FCS history. He is a top-notch dual threat and one of only six players in history to pass for 2,000 yards and rush for 1,000 yards in a season, and was just 52 yards short of duplicating the feat despite missing significant time. Edwards is coming into his junior season as ASU’s all-time leader in total offense (266.9 ypg) and rushing (106.1 ypg) per game with a 22-2 career record as a starter. LSU is still trying to choose between the kid from Harvard (Hatch) or the redshirt freshman (Lee). I usually pick an underdog, and this would be a nice one to see even if it is an SEC team going down out of conference. It's especially fitting that losing this game will be the first purely "Les Miles Recruited" team.

Mississippi St (0-0)
LA Tech (0-0)

6:45 PM MSU: 95% My Pick: Mississippi State. Because this is one of the games even they can count on to win.

Ul Monroe (0-0)
Auburn (0-0)

7:00 PM AUB: 98% My Pick: Auburn. ULM is not nearly the powerhouse DIV II team that App State is, no matter what Alabama fans say about it.

Memphis (0-0)
Ole Miss (0-0)

7:00 PM MISS: 86% My Pick: Ole Miss. Memphis might be one of those sneaky mid-south, mid-level teams that sometimes, out of no where, has good years. But if there is anyone in the world who knows The Art of War, and by following this, knows every single facet and fact of every single player and coach of Memphis, it is Houston Nutt, who has been delving into pagen idolotry and voodoo recently in his search for the secret of winning. Very few people are allowed to talk to him directly, and when they do, he mostly quotes Hamlet and talks about "collateral damage". Most of his players have been scared shitless of him for weeks.

Westrn Illinois (0-0)
Arkansas (0-0)

7:00 PM ARK: 98% My Pick: Arkansas. It's a contract year for Bobby Petrino. It's always a contract year for Bobby Petrino. And in a contract year, you always do your best to run up the score on the high school teams you play. Petrino doesn't even bother to learn his own players names anymore, he knows it might be a whole new team and a whole new league just as likely next week so why get attached to anything?

Alabama (0-0)
Clemson (0-0)

8:00 PM BAMA: 53% My Pick: Clemson. I've got a couple names for you. CJ Spiller and James Davis. They are about to open a can of whoop-ass on Alabama the likes of which has not been seen in a long time. I predict about 250 yards of rushing offense for the Clemson "Snooty" Tigers. You know how all the teams look really bad tackling the first game of the year? Alabama will look like that times 10. The Tide will score enough to hang with Clemson most of the game, but in the fourth quarter Clemson's experience will overwhelm the "Freshman Tide" crusading Nick NITELITE Saban has assembled. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that freshman-phenom Julio Jones will not catch 20 balls and score 20 touchdowns in his first game. If he did, then Alabama would probably win, so I can see why a lot of people expect them to win. But he won't, so neither will they.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Kentucky (0-0)
Louisville (0-0)

3:30 PM UK: 57% My Pick: Louisville. Louisville lacks Brian Brohm. Kentucky lacks Andre Woodson. Andre Woodson is mostly the only reason Kentucky did that most unlikely thing, and by that I mean win footballs games, last year.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Tennessee (0-0)
UCLA (0-0)

8:00 PM TENN: 81% My Pick: UCLA. I want to go on the record and say that I hate the PAC-10 more than I hate Fat Phil Fulmer. As hard as this will seem to be to believe, it is absolutely true. So for the second time in two years I will have to root for a Fal Phil led motley-crew against a supposed PAC-10 "powerhouse". I will WANT Tennessee to win. I will root for their idiotic quarterbacks and lackasadaisal recievers. I will be mesmorized for moments by the abilities of Arian Foster. I will pull for the humanitarian story of returning safety Demetrice Morley, who after being dismissed from the team spent time living in his car. I will root for Tennessee to win, and they will no doubt lose. Probably lose embarassingly big. Colquitt, the punter and sadly probably their best player, is suspended for this and four more games after off-field incidents, so the one thing Tennessee can do better than anyone, punt, is also going to be a question mark for this big orange blob of a question mark. Mostly always injured Jonathan Crompton looks to take over the duties of departed Erik Ainge when enough duct tape can be procured to hold him together.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Patrick White, WVU Quarterback, Alabama Native, Heisman Candidate

Patrick White Eyes Heisman with Win over Auburn
for Heisman Hopefuls

Patrick "The Cheif" White, West Virginia's senior quarterback, is one of the leading candidates for this year's Heisman Trophy. He finished fourth in Heisman balloting last year, later earning the Fiesta Bowl MVP, and being named a Playboy All-American.

There is no denying that the October 23rd home game versus Auburn will be a turning point for both teams. Both are currently in the AP Top 10, and the out-of-conference game is a big exclamation mark and make-or-break game for both's hopes for a National Title.

White, a native and hometown hero in Daphne, Alabama, was recruited by Auburn among many other schools closer to his home. A notoriously run-first, spread option quarterback, this year White is expected to carry a lot more of the load on his arm as opposed to his legs. Rich Rodriquez and his run-happy offense are now gone, and the new offensive system is likely to feature an amped up passing game. Steve Slaton and White combined together for more yardage as a duo than any other duo in college football history, edging out Reggie Bush and Lendale White, in addition to the more recent Darren McFadden and Felix Jones combo.

Bill Steward is on record stating that he is going to go to much greater lengths to promote White for the Heisman Trophy than Rich Rodriquez and his regime did. "Patrick White is the greatest winner in college football today," first-year WVU coach Bill Stewart said following the team's first practice of the fall season. "I don't care what the sport is. He'll find a way to beat you."

In 37 career games, White has rushed for 3,356 yards -- just 933 short of the NCAA Division-I record for a quarterback held by Missouri's Brad Smith (2002-05). He has also passed for 4,207 career yards.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Inside the Tony Franklin Undefeatable Patented Offensive System©

Inside the Tony Franklin Undefeatable Patented Offensive System©

by Michael Bernard

It is well storied that Tony Franklin designed and started consulting with his Undefeatable Patented Offensive System© after the fall-0ut caused by his authoring Fourth Down and Life To Go about his time and controversies surrounding his tenure at the University of Kentucky. Black-listed from coaching, Franklin slowly lost everything while trying to create and promote his niche football system, eventually building that audience in Texas, Alabama, and his home state of Kentucky.

As he told ESPN's Pat Forde. "It was desperation," Franklin said. "I was broke and trying to survive. A lot of great things happen out of desperation."

Now no less than 300 High School teams and a handful of college programs use their own version of Franklin's Undefeatable Patented Offensive System©, and Franklin first revitalized Troy's offense before being tapped by Tommy Tuverville to resurrect Auburn's floundering offense prior to last year's Peach Bowl versus Clemson. Under Franklin, the Trojans progressed from 109th in total offense and 111th in scoring in 2005 to 16th and 25th in 2007, Franklin's second year, while leading the Sun Belt in yards and points in '06 and '07 and winning 13 of 14 conference games.

One of the secrets to the Franklin/Troy success was Omar Haugabook, who, as an extrodinary run-pass option quarterback, led the Sun Belt in completion percentage and total offense two consecutive years. And the greatest stumbling block for the implementation of the Tony Frankline Undefeatable Patented Offensive System© in Auburn this year may be the tremendous amount of talent equally split between their two primary quarterbacks, arm-cannon Chris Todd and run-option quarterback Kodi "Blunt" Burns. Both are highly vaunted, and the party line coming out of Jordan-Hare is that both are so good that choosing one or the other is too difficult. Which many understand in doublespeak to mean "neither is what we need to run our offense".

Tony Franklin's Undefeatable Patented Offensive System© caught on with high school programs because, in part, it was the first to comprehensively unravel and explain the nuances of the Spread Offense, which was just gaining national luminance in the late 1990's. Most high schools still ran modified versions of the Veer-Option and simplistic passing attacks, with versions of the spread offense popping up randomly, independantly, in various places, largely the work of zealous coaches reinterpreting onto their teams what they saw teams such as the University of Florida doing each Saturday. Later, teams that signed up for one of the $3,000 seminars ran by Franklin could even elect to exclude other teams from their competitive districts and regions, ensuring them a monopoly on the underground phenomenon slowly sweeping Football Nation. It could be argued that at this late hour, Auburn is behind the curve in adopting a spread offense into their playbook, and Tommy Tuberville has admitted that the old-school perception of Auburn as a 3-yard and a cloud of dust rushing program has deterred the program's ability to sign highly touted reciever recruits. Indeed, many think that Auburn's shift to the Spread Offense may, in fact, be more of a ploy to woo blue-chip recruits that a shift in actual style of play, if we are to ignore the Peach Bowl.......

9 days and eight practices. Tony Franklin was brought in to replace abruptly departed Al Borges, the West Coast football guru that proceeded him as Auburn's Offensive Coordinator. Senior starting quarterback Brandon Cox was embattled from all sides, many in the media and fans calling for his being replaced by the younger run-option quarterback Kodi Burns. The Peach Bowl, against a very strong Clemson team, was approaching, and time was short. All year Auburn had been plagued by an inability to put points on the board, and against a potentially explosive Clemson rushing attack led by C.J. "Lightning" Spiller, Auburn would need to score. While Al Borges had his own cult-following, it was mostly out west, mostly nuanced by experiences with Bill Walsh and many others whose names mean nothing to SEC Football. Tony Franklin has a coaches-coach grassroots following that rivals Dionysus himself, and his being brought into Auburn had immediately tangible possibilities--with a greater sense of wonder considering that an entire off-season would not swell with the possibilities, but that they would be immediately apparent in the Peach Bowl.

2008 SEC Football Preview

2008 Southeastern Conference Football Preview
for 24-Hours of Propaganda

The Fear is upon us all. From Little Rock to Gainesville. It's always pretty bleak in Baton Rouge, and Nashville has never really had a reason to stop Fearing. Nick Nitelite Saban knows The Fear, and Spurrier thrives on it. Sometimes, late at night, Houston Nutt touches himself while thinking about it, and even Bobby Petrino knows you can't buy it for all the money in the world.

The Fear.

The Fear is we might suck this year. It is the secret unsaid thing in the hearts and minds of football fans all over the SEC. Really, it would be The World, but it is only here that Football replaces The Virgin Mary almost universally in the Holy Trinity. Godless California, USC, the PAC-10, these people view football season as the off-season for such manly sports as gymnastics and indoor track. Lacrosse is really big in the Northeast, and in the midwest it will always either be Hockey or Basketball season, with baseball left over for the dweebs. This is the time of year when all the sweet illusions of the off-season start to crumble. The new kid's arm ain't that good, he can't even complete a flag pass on command. The running back's knees are shot. That new coordinator is really just a media darling with no idea what to really do. Some people see the L's in their eyes when they close them at night, trying to forget them and get just one more decent night's rest before another grueling and Fearful season. Sylvester Croom only sleeps good this time of year, better than you think he should.

GEORGIA: The biggest story in Athens this off-season is the three-headed single team race for the Heisman Trophy. Everyone in the world, even Thailand, knows that its either going to come down to Tebow, or the player most instrumental in Georgia's defeat of Florida. Tebow could still win in the balloting, but a UGA win wo0uld be a handoff to either Matt Stafford, the undeafeated in four years of starting in high school quarterback and pretty much just as awesome in college quarterback, Knowshon Moreno, who is not going to be sneaking up on anyone this year and is, in fact, not the re-incarnation of Darren McFadden because Darren McFadden is, in fact, alive and playing for the Oakland Raiders this year, which is actually a fate WORSE than death but for that kind of money who cares, and Mark Richt, who is so insulated from the outside world and commonly accepted reality his inner circle's failure to tell him that he cannot in fact with the Heisman Trophy as a coach has caused many a countless hour of wasted off season time. The good thing is that UGA is so stacked that the entire first team on both sides (minus Moreno and Staff) and they would still steamroll almost anyone on their schedule. Unfortunately, this year, UGA is being served up as one of the Sacrificial Bulls for the PAC-10 to cermoniously abuse and slaughter. If Mark Richt can get his head out of his rear, maybe he can figure out a way to outcoach the Out West Vertical Offense. In the mix also is Steve Spurrier, who, as his personal mission of creating and destroying young men's lives, sees it as his duty to trounce either Tebow, Stafford, or both. He doesn't necessarily have anyone on his team, aside from an outside shot by Kenny McKinley, to WIN the Heisman, but Spurrier gets off on nothing more than being able to personally influence the race for the trophy he won back in 1966.If UGA can get through it's brutal schedule undefeated and win the perfunctory SEC Championship, then a National Title should only be one game away.

FLORIDA: The same could be said about Florida. The same could be said for a lot of places, but in Florida, this is the words on the lips of every Gator Coach, Player, and Fan. The problem for Florida's Coach is that he will never outlive the shadows of Steve Spurrier, the close proximity of the unfulfilled dreams the Miami Dolphins had about Nick Nitelite Saban's aborted tenure, Bobby Bowdens undead rotting carcass running amuck in the forests of Seminole Country inseminating bigfoots on a quest to create more Terry's and Tommy's, Larry Coker's disembodied and purgatoried spirit wandering the lonely nightime Florida coasts reliving the moment of blowing The Big Game, over and over, every two minutes until God feels he has paid for his sins. So whoever is coaching in Florida, they must surely feel good about life right now having Tim Tebow, the Greatest Football Player Ever, on their team. Think about a Mike Vick who can throw and not fight pitbulls and smoke weed at practice and on airplanes. Think about a Broadway Joe Namath for the modern generation (the one that won't remember Brett Favre in a couple years). Think about a guy who can win entire football games on his own if only you could make 10 almost as athletically talented clones of him. Archie Griffin has already ceeded his place in history as the only person to win The Heisman twice, because, unless Staff can beat him, Tebow will win it again this year. Not even a miracle season by Jimmy Clausen could stand up to the unbelieveable scary talent of Tim Tebow. Recently, the Pricipality of Dubai surrendered to UF, thinking that their odds of being able to defeat them were little to none. Dubai has yet to understand the complexities of football, unfortunately, and it may take longer than Tebow's college career for them to catch up with Syria's uniquely perceptive National Mind for our National Game. Soccar's reign as the world's most popular sport is in decline, and the NFL's global reach is rising on an average of a yearly veiwership increase of 15%. Tim Tebow was the prototypical quarterback to run the spread offense, and UF will likely rollover almost every team they play like the good ol' Spurrier Days. The secret plan of the Miami Dolphins is to throw a majority of their games until Tebow is available in the draft. They can't afford to lose another franchise player like Darren McFadden ever again, especially one Florida born, raised, and triumphant. The sadder thing is that Tebow might be destined to be the 21st Century Archie MANNING if the Dolphins evil plan comes to fruitation.

SOUTH CAROLINA: Steve Spurrier has been working a lot of overtime this summer. Not because he has to, but because he wants to. Knowing that he could be the Heisman Spoiler on two of the strongest candidates the SEC has had in recent memory, his quest to succeed in demolishing them both has known no bounds. Earlier in the spring Spurrier spread rumors around Dallas, Texas, Stafford's hometown, in the hopes of rifting his relationship with his then girlfriend, a high school sweetheart. Months later, in June, Stafford responded by dating one of Spurrier's neices in a high profile and short lived fling that ended up on the pages of a July issue of People Magazine.Spurrier's personal rivalry with Tebow has cooled, and no off-the-field tactics have been reportedly been used since Tebow won the Heisman this past December.Unfortunately Spurrier's Coup De Grace of recruiting Chris Smelley out from the under the University of Alabama (to make up for not getting a shot at Tebow) has panned out as less than successful, and as is common, Spurrier has been trying different options at Quarterback after being disappointed in the play of both Smelley, Tommy Beecher, and the other couple of no-name quarterbacks on his roster, trying out the punter who had played QB in high school junior varsity and also running several plays in practice each day out of the Wing-T. Look for a 6-WR spread offense again with whichever WR can throw best three yards behind center on opening night versus NC State. Kenny McKinley is poised to finish his career as the statistically best reciever in USC history, edging out Sidney Rice who he shared the field with his first two seasons.

tennessee: Fat Phil Fulmer's decade's old "relationship" with a pool boy of foreign descent ended this spring, apparenty on "amicable terms" according to the San Francisco Star, and many in Rocky Top are holding their breathe in concern on what ol' Fat Phil's mental state may be by season's start. TENN's inability to recruit a decent qb prospect since Peyton Manning will be obviously apparent this year, as even half-metally challenged Erik Ainge is now playing with blocks with a college degree and out of college, finally. Think of this season as Fat Phil's last time around the block. Many people are.

Kentucky: Boring.

Vanderbilt: Snooze button.

ALABAMA: Unlike Auburn, everyone in Tuscaloosa knows who the starter is. John Parker Wilson is back for his senior campaign, and watch for a competant season from him, and if any of Nick NITELITE Saban's miracle dust can rub off on any of his skill players, Alabama stands poised to take The West. QB controversies kill teams before the season begins, and that is the one thing that there is no question about in Tuscaloosa. There are a lot of other questions, such as, "Is Nick NITELITE Saban worth $32 million dollars? Can he beat Auburn? Will he stop being so mean to his players?" But those questions are all stupid.If you are anything like you, you spend a significant part of the off-season watching CSS Football Replays, and I am reminded of a sequence from a game I saw about a month ago. Alabama had just got intercepted a decisive pass and the offense was transitioning onto the field. The play was almost started before the defense called timeout, and as the players ran off the field Nitelite grabbed one of the linemen and started sceaming at him, ripping his chinstrap off of his helmet completely and kicking him not only off the field, but sending him to the showers. Because my experience with deaf people I could read his lips, which were saying something along the lines of "get the h*** off the field, I'm pulling your scholarship, don't even be IN the lockerroom when I get in there", and John Parker Wilson was trying to convince Nitelite that it had in fact been the other team that called timeout. Too bad for that kid. But that's the kind of "on-the-edge" coaching style that got Nitelite bestowed with the hatred and mire of almost every single person he has ever coached at any school or team he has ever worked at. You gotta love him. The Alabama Fans are still enthralled, but when his records start to reflect his totalitarian personality negatively, watch for him to dart Bobby Petrino-style to the best offer his agent Jimmy Sexton (who is also Bobby Petrino's agent) can scrounge up on a moments notice. Alabama wins the west because no one else in the west knows who their qb is gonna be, and by the time they figure it out, it will be too late.A star defensive tackle, remarking about Nitelite on CSS "Under The Lights", "He used to make grown me cry in the Pro's. What do you think he does to us kids?"

AUBURN: Tommy "The Riverboat Gambler" Tuberville's inability to man up and call his two quarterbacks in his office and walk out with one the clearcut starter and other the reserve/back-up is going to cost Auburn games this year. Maybe a few of them. Maybe all of the big 6. It will cost Auburn games in the future when it is difficult to recruit players to come to Auburn, especially Quarterbacks. It may cost Tommy Tuberville his job, faster than you can imagine. Kodi "Blunt" Burns does not have the arm that football-launching Chris Todd brings to the table. Either way, Tuberville would be better to pick one or the other and go with it rather than try the time-tested and always-failed technique of rotating quarterbacks(other than for specialty running plays). This will spell disaster for Auburn, and the season will be an embarrassment that will take years to recover from. Combined with a better than expected season by Alabama and we will be spelling TRAGETY in the headlines, this year, and for a long time to come.

LSU: Ryan Perriloux was poised to be a complete disaster at quarterback for LSU, a highly unstable and irradically behaved off-field imbriglio on track to be an embarassment to his Team, his School, his Family and his hometown Community. Having achieved that, LSU wisely decided to move on at quarterback, and Perilloux will be Jack State's mess to deal with. The QB situation is uncertain, and if they can solve it quicker (my guess, HATCH) and with more certainty than Auburn, look for a decent championship defense.

OLE MISS: Following what passes for "The Best and Most Reliable Information" coming out of Oxford, Mississippi, Houston Nutt has sequestered himself in the isolated outpost, possibly completely alone and strung out, using techniques that are beyond the pale of acceptable human behavior. With dictatorial control now over the entire football program, Nutt, in the words of one of his inner-cabal of yes-men and neophytes, "has access to too much money, too much equipment, and little by little we are all going insane."

Mississippi State: Sylvester Croom suicide watch, as usual, 24/7.

Arkansas: Bobby Petrino, who has the same agent, ironically, as Nick NITELITE Saban, is entertaining offers, as always. No offer is too ludicrious, especially the deeper into a losing season he plummets.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Pacific Northwest Bound Nitelite???

Is Nick NITELITE Saban Already Planning an Exit Strategy to the Pacific Northwest?
for 24-Hours of Propaganda

Several Sources close to the University of Washington have been leaking information to various media outlets in the last week to the effect that Nick NITELITE Saban, head coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide, has been in "what-if" talks with the UW football program.

"Nothing definitive," one source said, "Nothing indicating a specific time frame or immediate need for Saban to make a move."

Others are more explicit with explanations for his backhanded search for assurance of future employment. "There seem to be things in the Alabama Program that have Saban concerned, things outside of his control and probably woven into the fabric of football at Alabama." Said another source close to Mark Emmert, President of the University of Washington.

Alabama recently exited the probation era that saw them lose scholarships and bowl eligibility after being accused by, among others, Phil Fulmer of paying recruits to attend the University of Alabama. Also, the NCAA reportedly ignored similar allegations at Tennessee after Fulmer provided damning evidence against Alabama in 2000.

There have been unsubstantiated connections being made that the University of Florida and Urban Meyer somehow have a part in the unfolding Saban-UW drama, but nothing so much as a coherent storyline has developed as of this time.

Reportedly, Emmert has floated Saban's name to a number of UW boosters. He also has presented it as a "what if" scenario, painting a picture to boosters that goes along the lines of "the similarities with LSU and UW are eerily similar. both are once-proud programs fallen on hard times, with great resources and facilities. UW has a chance to provide a counterweight to USC on the West coast which has been pitifully neglected. As Willingham flames out---UW needs to commit to football, and we need to prepare to hire the best possible coach".

Saban signed a 8-Year, $32 million dollar contract with the University of Alabama January 4, 2007, and is expected to lead the once-proud Crimson Tide to the promised land. Saban agent Jimmy Sexton was unavailable for comment, as was the office of The President of the University of Washington.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Tommy Tuberville's Indecision Will Destroy Auburn's Season!

Tommy Tuberville's indecision will destroy Auburn football season!
for 24-Hours of Propaganda

Despite affirming at SEC Media Days less than a month ago that a 2-quarterback system (aside from using a gimmick running qb on third down and goal line situations) is one that he whole-heartedly disbelieved in, Tommy Tuberville is not steering his ship any closer to chosing a starter, and essentially, a leader for his team. There will be a lack of focus early, and with big games coming quick in Auburn's schedule, any sort of stumble can be mega-disasterous.

Chris Todd, the veritable arm cannon, is competing for the starting job with the prototypical gimick running quarterback--Kodi "Blunt" Burns--whose effectiveness as a passer or leader has yet to be seen. And instead of deciding between the two sometime during-or-after spring practices and scrimages, thus allowing a summer and pre-season to gear toward a specific assemblage of skill players, the coaching staff has found it more wise to put off making this all-important decision until, presumably, opening kickoff.

Which is exactly what a team with many question marks on both sides of the ball needs to do more than anything. It needs to let lingering uncertainties fester in a sort of sargasso-like purgatory, letting the media hawkishly hover and peck at the obviously divine decision-making ability the new Tony Franklin offensive regime brings to the table. Obviously Tony Franklin's Undefeatable Patented Offensive System© is so good it doesn't even matter who run's it.

This is good news to Tommy "The Riverboat Gambler" Tuberville, who likes to know that his often sublimely idiotic decisions late in the game can be bailed out by an undefeatable© patented offensive scheme that is ran by over 275 high schools and universities. Surely no one has ever devoted ANY TIME AT ALL to devising a defense to defend against such tom-foolery.Only time will tell, and it seems that it is Auburn's die-hard fans who will be punished for the next few months.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Another Two-Quarterback System Bound for Disaster?

Another Two-Quarterback System Bound for Disaster?

for 24-Hours of Propaganda

In Texas, unlike other places where naming even one starting quarterback is a chore, the difficulty for Mack "Coach February" Brown is in creating a new offensive package and scheme that allows him to have two starters on the field simultaneously.

Colt "The Real" McCoy, the Texas Longhorn's quarterback who was born above Texas Soil in New Mexico after his father brought a lunchbox full of texas sand with him to the hospitol when McCoy was born, is back for his Junior campaign, but the buzz out of Austin, Texas, is that John Chiles is too good to keep on the sideline holding clipboards.

McCoy remains the number 1 quarterback after throwing for 5,873 yards and 51 touchdowns over the last two seasons. But Chiles possesses the type of big-play ability that the anemic Texas offense needs. Texas would like to use McCoy at quarterback and Chiles as something of a scat back – running pass patterns, taking direct snaps, end-around reverses, and other trickery. Texas experimented with the idea last year a few times but nothing worked well enough to build on at the time.

"We'd like to see if it works," Brown said. "We're really developing that package as we speak. We're going to start working on it immediately to see where it goes, simply because John and Colt are two of our best players and two of our most productive players."

The rich just get richer.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Top Wide Reciever and Linebacker Prospects eye Auburn

Top Wide Reciever and Linebacker Prospects eye Auburn
for 24-Hours of Propaganda

Jheranie Boyd, the number 5 wide reciever prospect and number 37 player overall rated by ESPN told on Monday that he has narrowed his choices to Auburn, Clemson, Florida, North Carolina and NC State. Boyd is an UnderArmour All-American who plays football for Ashbrook High School (2007 record 8-6) in Gastonia, North Carolina. Many feel the The 6-foot-3, 180-pounder, who totaled 47 receptions for 1,151 yards and 11 touchdowns while earning first-team all-conference and all-area honors last year, is North Carolina's top wide reciever prospect. Boyd sports 4.4 40-speed and a 40+ inch vertical jump.

Boyd says that one of Auburn's biggest selling points is Tony Franklin's Undefeatable Patented Offensive System©, which he says is a mirror image of what he runs now at Ashbrook.

Fredrick Douglass of West Atlanta, Georgia, linebacker Jonathan Atchinson appears to be one of the finishing touches of Auburn's 2009 recruiting class. The 6-foot-3, 215-pound Atchinson committed to the Tigers over Alabama, among other colleges. have Atchinson rated as the nation's number 59 outside linebacker prospect.

Auburn now has 23 commitments for its 2009 class. Atchinson is the fifth linebacker who said he intends to sign with the Tigers, joining Jonathan Evans of Prichard, Ala., Donald Ford of Odenville, Ala., Harris Gaston of Bessemer, Ala., and Eltoro Freeman of Perkinston, Miss.
Atchinson said he was informed by Auburn coach Tommy "The Riverboat Gambler" Tuberville that the Tigers were going to sign five linebackers. Atchinson said he wanted to be the fifth, as the Tigers have offers extended to several other top-rated linebackers.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Main Event III, Bigger and Badder than Ever

Main Event III, Bigger and Badder than Ever
by Michael Bernard
for The Corner News

The weigh-in for the August 23rd Main Event III MMA and Boxing Event is set for 8:00pm August 22nd at Roosters, and the fireworks might start early. Eddie Fielder of Alabama Boxing and MMA, the consultants on hand to set the matches for Main Event III, said, "We've got more than a few guys fighting each other this time around who just plain don't like each other. A couple grudge matches, not to mention the Heavyweight Title that will be up for grabs that night."

The Main Event and DJ Holleywood's Productions have been growing steadily, and this incarnation of Auburn's UFC-style event is expected to be bigger than any previous. Says DJ Holleywood, "This time around we've got fighters and teams coming from all over the Southeast, not to mention the return of local fighters from the first Main Event. I'm also excited that we are incorporating both Boxing and MMA into the same event, it's really great to bring the same type of mixed martial arts that people watch on Ultimate Fighting Championship for the community to see up close and personal."

Team Rush of Macon, Georgia, with undefeathed Tyler Caruthers in tow, will be in town facing off against, among others, members of Team Rage of Gainesville, Georgia. Chico Kamorra, regional MMA Analyst, remarks, "The guys over at Team Rush have a lot of good records, and a sterling sharp reputation, but you have to ask yourself--who have they been tested by? Going up against the kind of lineup that's set for Saturday Night might nick them up a good bit. I like what I have seen of Team Rage's style but haven't seen them in action yet."

Main Event III MMA and Boxing Event starts 8:00pm, August 23rd at The Best Western Hotel. Tickets are $15 for Regular Admission, $25 for Ringside, and can be purchased at The Best Western, Nutrition First, and by calling 1-888-834-7515. A special discount is available with qualifying purchases at Nutrition First. The atmopshere is good for all ages, and will include music and entertainment provided by DJ Holleywood, DJ Hard Work, with other special and surprise guests expected, as well as an event afterparty.

"We'll have a good idea after Saturday Night who is on The Rise in the Southeast MMA world," Kamorra promised.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Fun-damentally UnPredictable

Fun-damentally UnPredictable
by Michael Bernard
for The Corner News

After 10 years of shopping the script around Hollywood, writing team Evan Goldberg and Seth Rogan (Superbad, Knocked Up) take on the stoner movie genre with Pineapple Express. Tagged by studios and production companies as 'fundamentally unmakeable' due to its R-rating and juvenile target audience, the conventional wisdom now has to be questioned.

Rogan and James Falco star as potheads intertwined by that precarious relationship of pot dealer and customer, with Pineapple Express the primo pot that at one point is described as so good it is like 'killing a unicorn'. The priceless chemistry of the plot plays with the various annoyances the stereotypical pothead experiences, notably, Rogan barely likes Falco. Rogan's love life is equally diametrically hilarious, as his 25 year old character dates an 18 year old girl still attending High School.

While billed as a stoner movie, sometimes it seems to try too hard to reinforce this fact with plenty of gratuitous smoking. The plot thickens when Rogan's job as a process server crosses paths with The Source of the Pineapple Express. A way older than you remember over-the-hill Rosie Perez does well as a crooked cop.

If I had one real complaint, it is the eventual unresolved disappearance of the romantic plot. Also, the trouble our duo unwittingly fall into seems a far stretch--intercontinental pot war--even for stoner movie outrageousness.

The real story of the movie is the friendship that the Rogan and Falco develop while trying to overcome their widening predicament. Maybe one of the other effects of Pineapple Express is psychic power, as our duo magically evade the bad guys several times. So much so that the one
moment of self-analysis late in the movie where Rogan blames their trouble on being high sounds counter-intuitive.

The genius of this movie is in the awkward juxtaposition of characters and situation that
remind us of our own run-ins with common sense. Pineapple Express is not the new Half Baked, but definitely outshines less memorable and less hilarious ones that shall remain nameless. The final action sequence is cartoonish on a Tank Girl level. Express also suffers, as most comedies
do, by over-saturating the audience with the jokes and gags in never-ending TV commercials, to the point that by the time you see it in context in the movie, some things are no longer popping like burning seeds with humor anymore.

My favorite part is Falco's wardrobe, which my own friends would find oddly familiar. The best part--his 'shark-eating-fox' t-shirt. Fans of the previous Rogan-Goldberg movies will love this movie, with stoners who liked them enjoying even more. These guys are young, good, and making a niche audience for their borderline outsider slapstick routines, and here to stay as Hollywood's new In Posse.