SEC Coaching Records Versus Each Other
for Gods Among Men: Coaches and Coordinators in the SEC
(thru last week's games)
Arkansas' Bobby Petrino: 4-0 (1.000)
Brooks 4-0
Croom 0-0
Fulmer 0-0
Johnson 0-0
Florida Coach 0-0
Miles 0-0
Nutt 0-0
Richt 0-0
Saban 0-0
Spurrier 0-0
Tuberville 0-0
The Coach of the Florida Gators: 16-6 (.727)
Brooks 3-0
Croom 1-0
Fulmer 3-0
Johnson 3-0
Miles 1-2
Nutt 1-0
Petrino 0-0
Richt 2-1
Saban 0-0
Spurrier 2-1
Tuberville 0-2
LSU's Les "The Mad Hater" Miles: 15-6 (.714)
Brooks 1-1
Croom 3-0
Fulmer 2-1
Johnson 1-0
Florida Coach 2-1
Nutt 2-1
Petrino 0-0
Richt 0-1
Saban 1-0
Spurrier 1-0
Tuberville 2-1
Georgia's Mark Richt: 30-14 (.681)
Brooks 4-1
Croom 2-0
Fulmer 4-3
Johnson 5-1
Florida Coach 1-2
Miles 1-0
Nutt 4-0
Petrino 0-0
Saban 2-2
Spurrier 3-2
Tuberville 4-3
Auburn's Tommy "The Riverboat Gambler" Tuberville: 30-21 (.588)
Brooks 2-0
Croom 4-1
Fulmer 3-3
Johnson 3-0
Florida Coach 2-0
Miles 1-2
Nutt 5-5
Petrino 0-0
Richt 3-4
Saban 4-2
Spurrier 3-4
South Carolina's Steve Spurrier: 25-18 (.581)
Brooks 3-0
Croom 2-0
Fulmer 8-5
Johnson 2-2
Florida Coach 1-2
Miles 0-1
Nutt 1-2
Petrino 0-0
Richt 2-3
Saban 2-0
Tuberville 4-3
Alabama's Nick NITELITE Saban: 14-13 (.518)
Brooks 0-0
Croom 1-1
Fulmer 3-1
Johnson 2-0
Florida Coach 0-0
Miles 0-1
Nutt 4-2
Petrino 0-0
Richt 2-2
Spurrier 0-2
Tuberville 2-4
Tennessee's Fat Phillip Fulmer: 28-26 (.518)
Brooks 5-0
Croom 1-0
Johnson 5-1
Florida Coach 0-3
Miles 1-2
Nutt 4-2
Petrino 0-0
Richt 3-4
Saban 1-3
Spurrier 5-8
Tuberville 3-3
Mississippi's Houston Nutt: 18-24 (.428)
Brooks 1-1
Croom 4-0
Fulmer 2-5
Johnson 1-1
Florida Coach 0-1
Miles 1-2
Petrino 0-0
Richt 0-4
Saban 2-4
Spurrier 2-1
Tuberville 5-5
Kentucky's Rich Brooks: 9-26 (.257)
Croom 2-2
Fulmer 0-5
Johnson 4-1
Florida Coach 0-3
Miles 1-1
Nutt 1-1
Petrino 0-4
Richt 1-4
Saban 0-0
Spurrier 0-3
Tuberville 0-2
Miss. State's Sylvester Croom: 5-18 (.217)
Brooks 2-2
Fulmer 1-0
Johnson 0-1
Florida Coach 0-1
Miles 0-3
Nutt 0-3
Petrino 0-0
Richt 0-2
Saban 1-1
Spurrier 0-1
Tuberville 1-4
Vanderbilt's Bobby Johnson: 7-26 (.212)
Brooks 1-4
Croom 1-0
Fulmer 1-5
Florida Coach 0-3
Miles 0-1
Nutt 1-1
Petrino 0-0
Richt 1-5
Saban 0-2
Spurrier 2-2
Showing posts with label Nick NITELITE Saban. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nick NITELITE Saban. Show all posts
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
Alabama Crimson Tide on new Sports Illustrated Cover
Alabama Crimson Tide on new Sports Illustrated Cover
for 24-Hours of Propaganda
Just a month after Nick NITELITE Saban graced the cover of Forbes Magazine and was annoited the most powerful coach ever in the history of Human Athletics, the Crimson Tide capture another major magazine cover with the picture of Glen Coffee amidst Alabama's Saturday night routing of the Clemson Tigers on National Television.
A demoralized Tommy Bowden has also, reportedly, called Saban among several other coaches trying to figure out how to salvage his team, season, and presumably, his career. It is not clear what Nitelite told Bowden.
Highly anticipated true freshman wide receiver Julio Jones caught 4 passes for 28 yards, highlighted by a 4-yard touchdown catch of a John Parker Wilson pass to give Alabama a 31-10 lead with 4:08 left in the third quarter.
Double-teams that Julio Jones drew opened up the game for other recievers.
Clemson was out-classed, out-coached, and out played in every phase of the game.
Junior kicker Leigh Tiffin connected on four of five field goals in the victory over Clemson. He opened the scoring with a career-long 54-yard field goal in the first quarter and extended the Alabama lead to 6-0 midway through the period with a 21-yard field goal, and capped the first half with a 34-yard field goal for a 23-3 Tide lead. He added a 26-yarder in the fourth period to give the Tide a 34-10 lead. With those successful attempts, Tiffin has made 23 of his last 28 field goal attempts dating back to the Georgia game last year. His 54-yarder ranks third in Alabama history, exceeded only by a 57-yarder by his father, Van Tiffin, against Texas A&M in 1985 and a 55-yarder by Ryan Pflugner against Arkansas in 1998. Pflugner’s kick joins Leigh Tiffin’s as the longest made field goals in Tide history kicking without the benefit of a kicking tee.
"...we'll kick you the hell out of the Georgia Dome!"
Alabama held a 23-3 halftime lead. With the victory over Clemson , Alabama has a record of 8-1 when leading at the half under head coach Nick Saban. The only loss was a 41-34 loss to LSU last season in Tuscaloosa .
Senior quarterback John Parker Wilson surpassed the Alabama career pass completions mark in the second quarter tonight, with a 5-yard pass to tight end Nick Walker. Wilson completed 22 of 30 passes for 180 yards and 2 touchdowns without an interception in tonight’s game. The completions move his career total to 500, exceeding the previous Tide record of 488 set by Brodie Croyle (2002-05). Wilson also surpassed the Alabama career pass attempts mark with 882, exceeding Croyle’s 869. Wilson extended Alabama ’s early lead to 13-0 with a 1-yard touchdown sneak with 2:51 left in the first quarter. The touchdown run was the seventh rushing TD of his career and his 44th touchdown responsible for in his career (7 rushing, 37 passing).
Is he worth it? Early Indications Point to sorta.
for 24-Hours of Propaganda
Just a month after Nick NITELITE Saban graced the cover of Forbes Magazine and was annoited the most powerful coach ever in the history of Human Athletics, the Crimson Tide capture another major magazine cover with the picture of Glen Coffee amidst Alabama's Saturday night routing of the Clemson Tigers on National Television.
A demoralized Tommy Bowden has also, reportedly, called Saban among several other coaches trying to figure out how to salvage his team, season, and presumably, his career. It is not clear what Nitelite told Bowden.
Highly anticipated true freshman wide receiver Julio Jones caught 4 passes for 28 yards, highlighted by a 4-yard touchdown catch of a John Parker Wilson pass to give Alabama a 31-10 lead with 4:08 left in the third quarter.
Double-teams that Julio Jones drew opened up the game for other recievers.
Clemson was out-classed, out-coached, and out played in every phase of the game.
Junior kicker Leigh Tiffin connected on four of five field goals in the victory over Clemson. He opened the scoring with a career-long 54-yard field goal in the first quarter and extended the Alabama lead to 6-0 midway through the period with a 21-yard field goal, and capped the first half with a 34-yard field goal for a 23-3 Tide lead. He added a 26-yarder in the fourth period to give the Tide a 34-10 lead. With those successful attempts, Tiffin has made 23 of his last 28 field goal attempts dating back to the Georgia game last year. His 54-yarder ranks third in Alabama history, exceeded only by a 57-yarder by his father, Van Tiffin, against Texas A&M in 1985 and a 55-yarder by Ryan Pflugner against Arkansas in 1998. Pflugner’s kick joins Leigh Tiffin’s as the longest made field goals in Tide history kicking without the benefit of a kicking tee.
"...we'll kick you the hell out of the Georgia Dome!"
Alabama held a 23-3 halftime lead. With the victory over Clemson , Alabama has a record of 8-1 when leading at the half under head coach Nick Saban. The only loss was a 41-34 loss to LSU last season in Tuscaloosa .
Senior quarterback John Parker Wilson surpassed the Alabama career pass completions mark in the second quarter tonight, with a 5-yard pass to tight end Nick Walker. Wilson completed 22 of 30 passes for 180 yards and 2 touchdowns without an interception in tonight’s game. The completions move his career total to 500, exceeding the previous Tide record of 488 set by Brodie Croyle (2002-05). Wilson also surpassed the Alabama career pass attempts mark with 882, exceeding Croyle’s 869. Wilson extended Alabama ’s early lead to 13-0 with a 1-yard touchdown sneak with 2:51 left in the first quarter. The touchdown run was the seventh rushing TD of his career and his 44th touchdown responsible for in his career (7 rushing, 37 passing).
Is he worth it? Early Indications Point to sorta.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
My Picks for Week 2 of SEC Action
My Picks for Week 2 of SEC Action
for 24-Hours of Propaganda
S Carolina (1-0) at Vandy (1-0) USC: 87%. My Pick: South Carolina. While Vanderbilt impressed with a win over a veteran Miami (OH) crew last week, The Ol' Ball Coach will put them at 1-1 by Friday morning.
Southern Miss (1-0) at Auburn (1-0) AUB: 97%. My Pick: Auburn. At least one analyst has put Southern Miss at beating Auburn. Could Tony Franklin's Undefeatable Patented Offensive System© fail this time out? It's unlikely that Southern Miss' offense can get through Auburn's stiffling defense. Also they lack Brett Favre.
Ole Miss (1-0) at Wake Forest (1-0) WF: 60%. My Pick: Ole Miss. In my ritualistic once-a-week longshot I pick Houston Nutt to scare the fuck out of Wake Forest at home.
C Michigan (1-0) at Georgia (1-0) UGA: 99%. My Pick: Georgia. Are you kidding? I'll be pissed off if Central Michigan puts up more than 11 points.
Norfolk St (1-0) at Kentucky (1-0) UK: 99%. My Pick: Kentucky. I'll go with the boys this time.
Tulane (0-0) at Alabama (1-0). BAMA: 99%. My Pick: Alabama. Nick NITELITE and crew will make Tulane feel bad about themselves.
SE Louisiana (1-0) at Miss St (0-1) MSU: 96%. My Pick: Mississippi State. Sadly, this pick makes me nervous in a way it probably shouldn't. I pray to god that Sylvester Croom got that alarm clock situation straightened out.
UL Monroe (0-1) at Arkansas (1-0) ARK: 98%. My Pick: Arkansas. If a sloppy Auburn offense can put up 34 points, Bobby Petrino's team of the week should be able to go at least as far as 17. UL Monroe is still looking for their first score of the season.
Miami (1-0) at Florida (1-0) UF: 92%. My Pick: Florida. As long as Tebow is alive Florida is hurricane proof.
Troy (1-0) at LSU (1-0) LSU: 99%. My Pick: LSU. I'd try to take another mid-major to take out LSU but I got burned by Appalachin State. This isn't to say deep down in my soul I don't want Les Miles to flop and flop embarassingly bad, like Tommy Bowden bad.
for 24-Hours of Propaganda
S Carolina (1-0) at Vandy (1-0) USC: 87%. My Pick: South Carolina. While Vanderbilt impressed with a win over a veteran Miami (OH) crew last week, The Ol' Ball Coach will put them at 1-1 by Friday morning.
Southern Miss (1-0) at Auburn (1-0) AUB: 97%. My Pick: Auburn. At least one analyst has put Southern Miss at beating Auburn. Could Tony Franklin's Undefeatable Patented Offensive System© fail this time out? It's unlikely that Southern Miss' offense can get through Auburn's stiffling defense. Also they lack Brett Favre.
Ole Miss (1-0) at Wake Forest (1-0) WF: 60%. My Pick: Ole Miss. In my ritualistic once-a-week longshot I pick Houston Nutt to scare the fuck out of Wake Forest at home.
C Michigan (1-0) at Georgia (1-0) UGA: 99%. My Pick: Georgia. Are you kidding? I'll be pissed off if Central Michigan puts up more than 11 points.
Norfolk St (1-0) at Kentucky (1-0) UK: 99%. My Pick: Kentucky. I'll go with the boys this time.
Tulane (0-0) at Alabama (1-0). BAMA: 99%. My Pick: Alabama. Nick NITELITE and crew will make Tulane feel bad about themselves.
SE Louisiana (1-0) at Miss St (0-1) MSU: 96%. My Pick: Mississippi State. Sadly, this pick makes me nervous in a way it probably shouldn't. I pray to god that Sylvester Croom got that alarm clock situation straightened out.
UL Monroe (0-1) at Arkansas (1-0) ARK: 98%. My Pick: Arkansas. If a sloppy Auburn offense can put up 34 points, Bobby Petrino's team of the week should be able to go at least as far as 17. UL Monroe is still looking for their first score of the season.
Miami (1-0) at Florida (1-0) UF: 92%. My Pick: Florida. As long as Tebow is alive Florida is hurricane proof.
Troy (1-0) at LSU (1-0) LSU: 99%. My Pick: LSU. I'd try to take another mid-major to take out LSU but I got burned by Appalachin State. This isn't to say deep down in my soul I don't want Les Miles to flop and flop embarassingly bad, like Tommy Bowden bad.
Week 1 SEC Round-up
Week 1 Southeastern Conference Round-up and Results
for 24-Hours of Propaganda
Week 1 was a dominant one for the SEC, against many lesser opponents, but including at least two major upsets and the Tennessee loss to UCLA. 10-2 Overall for the SEC for the week....
[W] Vanderbilt 34 at Miami (OH) 13--Miami (OH) came in with 17 returning starters, Vanderbilt with 3. Vandy came home with the decisive win 34-13. Good job Calculators!
[W] North Carolina State 10 at South Carolina 34--The Ol' Ball Coach's team came in and played hellacious defense, and marginal offense for much of the game before really breaking out late. The Gamecocks play defense so intensely they can often be mistaked for the offense on the field. NC State was ran over.
[L]Appalachin State 13 at LSU 41--I had counted on Les Miles' lack of recruiting prowess and/or game preparation to allow Appalachin State to bring their A game and take them out. I was wrong.
[W] Georgia Southern 21 at Georgia 45--How did Georgia Southern score 21 points at all? Was it against Georgia second and third stringers? I hope so for their sake.
[W] Hawaii 10 at Florida 56--Gone is June Jones and gone is winning in Hawaii. Tim Tebow is alive, which means your gonna have to bring one hell of an army to take him out. He is like Jesus and the Ark of The Covenant in one.
[L]Mississippi State 14 at Louisiana Tech 22--Did Sylvester Croom sleep through this game? Did he forget to show up? It wasn't on television and hasn't been replayed on CSS yet that I could catch, but my assumption is for some reason he didn't make it to the game on time if at all. That is the only way this could have happened.
[W] University of Louisiana-Monroe 0 at Auburn 34--Auburn posted the only defensive shutout of the week, but Tony Franklin's Undefeatable Patented Offense© failed to impress. 91.1 WEGL Sports Analyst Steven Peters on the Auburn performance, "The offense looked really sloppy. I mean, neither of the quarterbacks looked good at all, and it was like they would run the same play over and over until they got what they wanted from it. I'd say they ran maybe six plays all night. On the other hand, the defense played good, and maybe that is the one thing that can keep Auburn in games until the offense clicks, if it ever does."
Fans, apparently, who went to the game or paid $30 for it on pay-per-view may be throwing themselves out of windows because their quarterbacks couldn't throw a tantrum and their receivers couldn't catch a cold.Tuberville needs to find a quarterback, quick.
[W] Memphis 24 at Ole Miss 41--Houston Nutt does his best imatation of a woodshed beating in his first game out with The Rebels.
[W] Western Illinois 24 at Arkansas 28--Come on Bobby...It's only running the score up if you don't let them score every other possession. The people wanting to write you future checks were wanting at least 63. That's a few million dollars you just lost down the road. Take that to the bank and cash it. Are you about to become the doormat of the SEC again Arkansas?
[L]Alabama 34 at Clemson 10--
Tommy Bowden, in what is being described by some as "the worst display of poor coaching and team morale that we have ever witnessed in competitive sports" got destroyed by Alabama on National Television.
It appeared as though only the Clemson practice team had been able to make the long and perilous journey to the Georgia Dome.
Kirk Herbstreit, in the beginning of the fourth quarter, said "I'm not so concerned about the loss going on on the field right now--you win some and you lost some. I'm worried about the looks on the faces of the coaches and players when they are looking at each other." I was wrong in supposing that Bowden and his heralded "best team in the ACC" could pull off a "miracle win" against a middle of the pack SEC team. Nick NITELITE Saban, on the other hand, comes out looking exactly like what his recent star power and icon status in the history of human athletics promised us that we could expect, a year or two down the road. It may be a few more tests before people are ready to really accept that Alabama is back, but it makes good watercooler talk for now.
After Bowden’s Clemson Tigers got rolled by Nick Saban’s Crimson Tide 34-10 on Saturday, Bowden called Saban for advice: “As I talked to coach Saban, I said, ‘I’m not one to have enough pride where I’ve got all the answers. I see you got six months to study me, a guy like you, what did you see?” Bowden said Tuesday.
Saban also spoke with his father, Florida State coach Bobby Bowden; Georgia coach Mark Richt and Virginia Tech coach Frank Beamer about how the Tigers would recover from the embarassment at the Georgia Dome.
There was one other one he should have made. To his brother Terry, to find out what it's like in those final hours before you are forcibly ran out of town. Make a game plan now buddy, better than the one you made for last Saturday Night.
Coach's indignation for Bowden grows steadily each day, his most Bowden inspired rant describing what he would have done if he were Bowden immediately after the football game, if Bowden in fact cared about winning or losing which no one can absolutely believe with any sort of real certainty right now. “I hope everyone in here is proud of themselves, because with your play tonight you have embarrassed your university, your families, our great fans, yourselves, and most troubling now for everyone football player in this room, you embarrassed me and this coaching staff. This Clemson team, your team, looked like it didn’t even care that they were getting whipped by Alabama, and that you didn’t show up to play this game tonight means that I did a terrible job of getting you prepared to play this game. Yes, that is my fault, because I failed somewhere along the way in identifying the players in this room that really wanted to play football at Clemson. In a few minutes, yes, I said in a few minutes, we are going to find out who does and who does not want to play football for this team and represent Clemson University. I have spoken with the management folks here at the Georgia Dome, and they have allowed us to use their field for a little while longer tonight. Don’t worry about taking a shower, and go ahead and change into the PT gear and tennis shoes that the managers are now handing out (A good coach always carries PT gear and tennis shoes for every player on road trips). Once everyone gets changed, we are going back out on that field, and we are going to find out who are the winners and who are the losers on this football team. You see, after watching this team play against Alabama tonight, I am convinced that we have a lot of losers on this team that will just lay down and QUIT when they are challenged. OK, you are really about to get challenged, so go ahead and get changed and let’s get back out on the field.”
Coach then went on to explain, "The clock is now ticking on the Tommy Bowden era at Clemson. The Clemson fans are fed up with the mediocrity that has been allowed to exist at Clemson in the Bowden era, and the debacle against Alabama has only inflamed the Tiger fan base and puts Tommy Bowden in a very perilous situation. Tommy Bowden is now coaching the rest of the 2008 season for his job. The mark that Bowden has to get into in terms of number of wins for 2008 is 8 wins. Anything less than 8 wins by Tommy Bowden in 2008, and the Tommy Bowden era is OVER at Clemson. Tommy Bowden is not only coaching for his job, but if he does not get to 8 wins in 2008, Clemson AD Terry Don Phillips will find himself out of a job as well. Let’s just be very clear about the Alabama game: Alabama came out and smashed Clemson in the mouth, and the Clemson players QUIT on Tommy Bowden. This is not the first time the Clemson players have QUIT on Tommy Bowden, and it will not be the last. Bowden entered the game against Alabama with four times the talent and four times the experience of the Tide, and the Tigers got their ass handed to them. For some reason, Tommy Bowden believes that he can continue to put mediocre and underperforming teams onto the field at Clemson and keep his job, but make no doubt about it, Tommy Bowden is now fighting for his coaching career. Luckily for Bowden, he is not coaching in the SEC, or it would already be “turn out the lights the party is over.” In the ACC, a high school team could put up a .500 record in the conference, so let’s see just see what Bowden and Clemson can do ‘08. More importantly, let’s see if the Clemson players QUIT on Tommy Bowden again this season. If they do, Bowden should be fired on the spot."
[L]Kentucky 27 at Louisville 2--My luck for picking an SEC to go down out of conference. Kentucky is ranked 11th in the nation in the Sagarin computer ratings.
[W]Tenn 24 at UCLA 27--As I expected, Tennessee would choke.They would choke after having a sizeable lead. They would choke because it doesn't take anyone more knowledgeable than an 8 year old who is fairly familiar with NCAA Football 2001+ on any console or computer system to outcoach Fat Phil Fulmer and his antiquidated model of what he thinks it takes to make a winning football team. Being a fat idiot so enamored with Jimmy Clausen's fickle affections for so long he forgot there are at least 25 other important positions to recruit. Is anyone now confused why all of the state of Tennessee's really good talent goes elsewhere? For the second year in a row Fat Phil Fulmer has been the SEC's sacrifice to the PAC-10.
for 24-Hours of Propaganda
Week 1 was a dominant one for the SEC, against many lesser opponents, but including at least two major upsets and the Tennessee loss to UCLA. 10-2 Overall for the SEC for the week....
[W] Vanderbilt 34 at Miami (OH) 13--Miami (OH) came in with 17 returning starters, Vanderbilt with 3. Vandy came home with the decisive win 34-13. Good job Calculators!
[W] North Carolina State 10 at South Carolina 34--The Ol' Ball Coach's team came in and played hellacious defense, and marginal offense for much of the game before really breaking out late. The Gamecocks play defense so intensely they can often be mistaked for the offense on the field. NC State was ran over.
[L]Appalachin State 13 at LSU 41--I had counted on Les Miles' lack of recruiting prowess and/or game preparation to allow Appalachin State to bring their A game and take them out. I was wrong.
[W] Georgia Southern 21 at Georgia 45--How did Georgia Southern score 21 points at all? Was it against Georgia second and third stringers? I hope so for their sake.
[W] Hawaii 10 at Florida 56--Gone is June Jones and gone is winning in Hawaii. Tim Tebow is alive, which means your gonna have to bring one hell of an army to take him out. He is like Jesus and the Ark of The Covenant in one.
[L]Mississippi State 14 at Louisiana Tech 22--Did Sylvester Croom sleep through this game? Did he forget to show up? It wasn't on television and hasn't been replayed on CSS yet that I could catch, but my assumption is for some reason he didn't make it to the game on time if at all. That is the only way this could have happened.
[W] University of Louisiana-Monroe 0 at Auburn 34--Auburn posted the only defensive shutout of the week, but Tony Franklin's Undefeatable Patented Offense© failed to impress. 91.1 WEGL Sports Analyst Steven Peters on the Auburn performance, "The offense looked really sloppy. I mean, neither of the quarterbacks looked good at all, and it was like they would run the same play over and over until they got what they wanted from it. I'd say they ran maybe six plays all night. On the other hand, the defense played good, and maybe that is the one thing that can keep Auburn in games until the offense clicks, if it ever does."
Fans, apparently, who went to the game or paid $30 for it on pay-per-view may be throwing themselves out of windows because their quarterbacks couldn't throw a tantrum and their receivers couldn't catch a cold.Tuberville needs to find a quarterback, quick.
[W] Memphis 24 at Ole Miss 41--Houston Nutt does his best imatation of a woodshed beating in his first game out with The Rebels.
[W] Western Illinois 24 at Arkansas 28--Come on Bobby...It's only running the score up if you don't let them score every other possession. The people wanting to write you future checks were wanting at least 63. That's a few million dollars you just lost down the road. Take that to the bank and cash it. Are you about to become the doormat of the SEC again Arkansas?
[L]Alabama 34 at Clemson 10--
Tommy Bowden, in what is being described by some as "the worst display of poor coaching and team morale that we have ever witnessed in competitive sports" got destroyed by Alabama on National Television.
It appeared as though only the Clemson practice team had been able to make the long and perilous journey to the Georgia Dome.
Kirk Herbstreit, in the beginning of the fourth quarter, said "I'm not so concerned about the loss going on on the field right now--you win some and you lost some. I'm worried about the looks on the faces of the coaches and players when they are looking at each other." I was wrong in supposing that Bowden and his heralded "best team in the ACC" could pull off a "miracle win" against a middle of the pack SEC team. Nick NITELITE Saban, on the other hand, comes out looking exactly like what his recent star power and icon status in the history of human athletics promised us that we could expect, a year or two down the road. It may be a few more tests before people are ready to really accept that Alabama is back, but it makes good watercooler talk for now.
After Bowden’s Clemson Tigers got rolled by Nick Saban’s Crimson Tide 34-10 on Saturday, Bowden called Saban for advice: “As I talked to coach Saban, I said, ‘I’m not one to have enough pride where I’ve got all the answers. I see you got six months to study me, a guy like you, what did you see?” Bowden said Tuesday.
Saban also spoke with his father, Florida State coach Bobby Bowden; Georgia coach Mark Richt and Virginia Tech coach Frank Beamer about how the Tigers would recover from the embarassment at the Georgia Dome.
There was one other one he should have made. To his brother Terry, to find out what it's like in those final hours before you are forcibly ran out of town. Make a game plan now buddy, better than the one you made for last Saturday Night.
Coach's indignation for Bowden grows steadily each day, his most Bowden inspired rant describing what he would have done if he were Bowden immediately after the football game, if Bowden in fact cared about winning or losing which no one can absolutely believe with any sort of real certainty right now. “I hope everyone in here is proud of themselves, because with your play tonight you have embarrassed your university, your families, our great fans, yourselves, and most troubling now for everyone football player in this room, you embarrassed me and this coaching staff. This Clemson team, your team, looked like it didn’t even care that they were getting whipped by Alabama, and that you didn’t show up to play this game tonight means that I did a terrible job of getting you prepared to play this game. Yes, that is my fault, because I failed somewhere along the way in identifying the players in this room that really wanted to play football at Clemson. In a few minutes, yes, I said in a few minutes, we are going to find out who does and who does not want to play football for this team and represent Clemson University. I have spoken with the management folks here at the Georgia Dome, and they have allowed us to use their field for a little while longer tonight. Don’t worry about taking a shower, and go ahead and change into the PT gear and tennis shoes that the managers are now handing out (A good coach always carries PT gear and tennis shoes for every player on road trips). Once everyone gets changed, we are going back out on that field, and we are going to find out who are the winners and who are the losers on this football team. You see, after watching this team play against Alabama tonight, I am convinced that we have a lot of losers on this team that will just lay down and QUIT when they are challenged. OK, you are really about to get challenged, so go ahead and get changed and let’s get back out on the field.”
Coach then went on to explain, "The clock is now ticking on the Tommy Bowden era at Clemson. The Clemson fans are fed up with the mediocrity that has been allowed to exist at Clemson in the Bowden era, and the debacle against Alabama has only inflamed the Tiger fan base and puts Tommy Bowden in a very perilous situation. Tommy Bowden is now coaching the rest of the 2008 season for his job. The mark that Bowden has to get into in terms of number of wins for 2008 is 8 wins. Anything less than 8 wins by Tommy Bowden in 2008, and the Tommy Bowden era is OVER at Clemson. Tommy Bowden is not only coaching for his job, but if he does not get to 8 wins in 2008, Clemson AD Terry Don Phillips will find himself out of a job as well. Let’s just be very clear about the Alabama game: Alabama came out and smashed Clemson in the mouth, and the Clemson players QUIT on Tommy Bowden. This is not the first time the Clemson players have QUIT on Tommy Bowden, and it will not be the last. Bowden entered the game against Alabama with four times the talent and four times the experience of the Tide, and the Tigers got their ass handed to them. For some reason, Tommy Bowden believes that he can continue to put mediocre and underperforming teams onto the field at Clemson and keep his job, but make no doubt about it, Tommy Bowden is now fighting for his coaching career. Luckily for Bowden, he is not coaching in the SEC, or it would already be “turn out the lights the party is over.” In the ACC, a high school team could put up a .500 record in the conference, so let’s see just see what Bowden and Clemson can do ‘08. More importantly, let’s see if the Clemson players QUIT on Tommy Bowden again this season. If they do, Bowden should be fired on the spot."
[L]Kentucky 27 at Louisville 2--My luck for picking an SEC to go down out of conference. Kentucky is ranked 11th in the nation in the Sagarin computer ratings.
[W]Tenn 24 at UCLA 27--As I expected, Tennessee would choke.They would choke after having a sizeable lead. They would choke because it doesn't take anyone more knowledgeable than an 8 year old who is fairly familiar with NCAA Football 2001+ on any console or computer system to outcoach Fat Phil Fulmer and his antiquidated model of what he thinks it takes to make a winning football team. Being a fat idiot so enamored with Jimmy Clausen's fickle affections for so long he forgot there are at least 25 other important positions to recruit. Is anyone now confused why all of the state of Tennessee's really good talent goes elsewhere? For the second year in a row Fat Phil Fulmer has been the SEC's sacrifice to the PAC-10.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Nick NITELITE Saban routs Tommy Bowden
Nick NITELITE Saban routs Tommy Bowden
for Gods Among Men: Coaches and Coordinators in the SEC
No, that was your future flashing before your eyes....
Clemson came into the Georgia Dome Saturday with the confidence of an annointed champion. The preseason hype had centered on the returning starters, on the talent at the skill positions including the best running back tandem in the entire country in CJ Spiller and James Davis. Tommy Bowden's 10 years at Clemson had finally culminated in the kind of team that justifies taking a decade to assemble, and some were whispering "National Championship" as the payoff.
Equally, Alabama was being heralded for many reasons, even if many thought them to only be a middle of the SEC team to start out the season, there was little doubt that Nick NITELITE Saban would be able to recruit players and out-coach his opponents. Overcoming the glut and decay of the Mike Shula era should take some time, but more than just the Alabama faithful had a feeling that the Alabama recruiting class might make an immediate impact. Forbes Magazine's recent profile on Saban is on it's third printing, and the message from the article was that Saban is the Czar of Alabama, top to bottom, and with that type of control, the price is immediate results.
The Most Powerful Coach In The History of Human Athletics, Nick NITELITE Saban, made good on his steep salary Saturday as Alabama destroyed Clemson 34-10 in the ACC's third consecutive national television debacle of the first weekend of the college football season.
Bowden was the Great Hope of 2008 for the ACC, if only to prove that the BCS bearth earned via the ACC title was legitimate. Very few if any prognosticators around the nation were picking Alabama to upset Clemson, and certainly, not so one-sidedly.
"Our players played with confidence," Saban said. "I didn't see anybody scared out there. I didn't see any fear."
"I cannot remember us getting physically beat that bad in at least three years," Clemson coach Tommy Bowden said.
"It's one game," Saban said. What our players, fans, everybody needs to understand is it's one game. We need to keep playing better and improve."
Early Sunday, Coach had this to say regarding Bowden's future, "Talk about a disaster, Tommy Bowden’s Clemson team didn’t even bother to show up to play against Alabama. Is anyone coaching this Clemson football team, which entered the game against Alabama with four times the experience and twice the talent of the Tide? What a complete and total letdown by the Clemson Tigers, and their fans should be storming the Clemson football complex on Sunday morning once they get out of church. What exactly is Clemson paying Tommy Bowden $1.85 million a year to do? He is not coaching the Clemson football team, so it couldn’t be that, and this incredible no-show by Clemson in this game against Alabama raises some very serious questions...What an embarrassment Tommy Bowden and Clemson are to the great Tiger fans, because Bowden and his football team basically just laid down on the field at the Georgia Dome and let Alabama run all over them with impunity....If Tommy Bowden and his staff think they can coast in ’08, put up a losing season, and still keep their jobs, they are badly mistaken. With all of the talent on this Clemson football team anything less than 10 wins would be coaching malpractice and a losing season would have to be followed by the immediate firing of anyone involved in running the Clemson football team...Right now, it looks as if no one on the Clemson coaching, or on the football team gives two rips about representing their university in the appropriate way...."
Many had thought that there was a chance Bowden would abandon the obvious gameplan and attempt to air it out, like some amateurish video game player. Which, incidentally, is exactly what happened. Alabama, on the other hand, never once gave any indication that they saw themselves as the "underdog" in this game.
John Parker Wilson looked vastly matured, the Alabama defense was absolutely stifling, and Mark Ingram and Glen Coffee seemed to average at least about 11.4 yards per carry.
Clemson as a whole played Saturday like a team impervious to the preseason rankings to the point of not caring whether they represented themselves and their conference in any positive manner. All of those sorts of problems begin with the coaching staff.
earlier this summer Tommy said, "Yes, there is a really logical reason I am golfing and not coaching my team. We're gonna run over Alabama with our eyes closed....".
"The biggest thing was the point of attack. Our offensive line couldn’t handle their defensive line and our defensive line couldn’t handle their offensive line. They are a very physical offensive line and defensive line." Bowden said, describing his teams most obvious failing.
Bowden on the bull's eye his Top 10 team had prior to the game, "When you start out ranked as high as we did and you play a pretty good team you better understand what you have to do to defend that right and it looks like we didn’t understand."
Bowden on questions arising that his practices are not tough enough, "Toughness wasn’t a question last year. Toughness hasn’t been questioned for three years and we haven’t practiced any different. I would think things like this would kind of pop up when you lose like that."
Tommy Bowden, on immediate plans to improve his now demoralized and retreating program, "We will probably have to take Bobby Hutchinson out of his coach career a little early. Everybody else is here. We will have to work with what we got…. Wilson Norris, Mason Cloy, and on down the line..might possibility take a redshirt year off Matt Sanders."
Alabama Head Coach Nick NITELITE Saban regarding his feeling after the game, “I am really pleased and happy for our football team. We talked about finishing and playing with a purpose and focus on each play and play hard. Our defense did a great job against a really good running back tandem. I thought our offensive line did a great job tonight. We ran the football, which seemed like the right thing to do. We averaged four or five yards per attempt. I thought both running backs did a really nice job. John Parker Wilson did a great job. This is just one game of a long season. We have a lot of improvement [to make] as a team and hopefully we can build on what we did here tonight." Then, going back to Wilson, "John Parker Wilson did a great job. He gets us in the right formations and gets us in the right plays. He did a nice job throwing the ball tonight and had no turnovers. He made some really good third down throws. I am really pleased and happy with his performance. He showed great leadership tonight.”
Alabama quarterback John Parker Wilson later said, “We came out and started strong. We’ve talked about finishing and this time we did. The offensive line did a great job and we ran the ball well. Everything just fell into place. If we can [continue to] run the ball the way we did tonight, we can be pretty good. Our defense did a great job in stopping the run.”
"I wonder if JoePa is going to retire soon....Or I could always go to Pitt...."
for Gods Among Men: Coaches and Coordinators in the SEC
No, that was your future flashing before your eyes....
Clemson came into the Georgia Dome Saturday with the confidence of an annointed champion. The preseason hype had centered on the returning starters, on the talent at the skill positions including the best running back tandem in the entire country in CJ Spiller and James Davis. Tommy Bowden's 10 years at Clemson had finally culminated in the kind of team that justifies taking a decade to assemble, and some were whispering "National Championship" as the payoff.
Equally, Alabama was being heralded for many reasons, even if many thought them to only be a middle of the SEC team to start out the season, there was little doubt that Nick NITELITE Saban would be able to recruit players and out-coach his opponents. Overcoming the glut and decay of the Mike Shula era should take some time, but more than just the Alabama faithful had a feeling that the Alabama recruiting class might make an immediate impact. Forbes Magazine's recent profile on Saban is on it's third printing, and the message from the article was that Saban is the Czar of Alabama, top to bottom, and with that type of control, the price is immediate results.
The Most Powerful Coach In The History of Human Athletics, Nick NITELITE Saban, made good on his steep salary Saturday as Alabama destroyed Clemson 34-10 in the ACC's third consecutive national television debacle of the first weekend of the college football season.
Bowden was the Great Hope of 2008 for the ACC, if only to prove that the BCS bearth earned via the ACC title was legitimate. Very few if any prognosticators around the nation were picking Alabama to upset Clemson, and certainly, not so one-sidedly.
"Our players played with confidence," Saban said. "I didn't see anybody scared out there. I didn't see any fear."
"I cannot remember us getting physically beat that bad in at least three years," Clemson coach Tommy Bowden said.
"It's one game," Saban said. What our players, fans, everybody needs to understand is it's one game. We need to keep playing better and improve."
Early Sunday, Coach had this to say regarding Bowden's future, "Talk about a disaster, Tommy Bowden’s Clemson team didn’t even bother to show up to play against Alabama. Is anyone coaching this Clemson football team, which entered the game against Alabama with four times the experience and twice the talent of the Tide? What a complete and total letdown by the Clemson Tigers, and their fans should be storming the Clemson football complex on Sunday morning once they get out of church. What exactly is Clemson paying Tommy Bowden $1.85 million a year to do? He is not coaching the Clemson football team, so it couldn’t be that, and this incredible no-show by Clemson in this game against Alabama raises some very serious questions...What an embarrassment Tommy Bowden and Clemson are to the great Tiger fans, because Bowden and his football team basically just laid down on the field at the Georgia Dome and let Alabama run all over them with impunity....If Tommy Bowden and his staff think they can coast in ’08, put up a losing season, and still keep their jobs, they are badly mistaken. With all of the talent on this Clemson football team anything less than 10 wins would be coaching malpractice and a losing season would have to be followed by the immediate firing of anyone involved in running the Clemson football team...Right now, it looks as if no one on the Clemson coaching, or on the football team gives two rips about representing their university in the appropriate way...."
Many had thought that there was a chance Bowden would abandon the obvious gameplan and attempt to air it out, like some amateurish video game player. Which, incidentally, is exactly what happened. Alabama, on the other hand, never once gave any indication that they saw themselves as the "underdog" in this game.
John Parker Wilson looked vastly matured, the Alabama defense was absolutely stifling, and Mark Ingram and Glen Coffee seemed to average at least about 11.4 yards per carry.
Clemson as a whole played Saturday like a team impervious to the preseason rankings to the point of not caring whether they represented themselves and their conference in any positive manner. All of those sorts of problems begin with the coaching staff.
earlier this summer Tommy said, "Yes, there is a really logical reason I am golfing and not coaching my team. We're gonna run over Alabama with our eyes closed....".
"The biggest thing was the point of attack. Our offensive line couldn’t handle their defensive line and our defensive line couldn’t handle their offensive line. They are a very physical offensive line and defensive line." Bowden said, describing his teams most obvious failing.
Bowden on the bull's eye his Top 10 team had prior to the game, "When you start out ranked as high as we did and you play a pretty good team you better understand what you have to do to defend that right and it looks like we didn’t understand."
Bowden on questions arising that his practices are not tough enough, "Toughness wasn’t a question last year. Toughness hasn’t been questioned for three years and we haven’t practiced any different. I would think things like this would kind of pop up when you lose like that."
Tommy Bowden, on immediate plans to improve his now demoralized and retreating program, "We will probably have to take Bobby Hutchinson out of his coach career a little early. Everybody else is here. We will have to work with what we got…. Wilson Norris, Mason Cloy, and on down the line..might possibility take a redshirt year off Matt Sanders."
Alabama Head Coach Nick NITELITE Saban regarding his feeling after the game, “I am really pleased and happy for our football team. We talked about finishing and playing with a purpose and focus on each play and play hard. Our defense did a great job against a really good running back tandem. I thought our offensive line did a great job tonight. We ran the football, which seemed like the right thing to do. We averaged four or five yards per attempt. I thought both running backs did a really nice job. John Parker Wilson did a great job. This is just one game of a long season. We have a lot of improvement [to make] as a team and hopefully we can build on what we did here tonight." Then, going back to Wilson, "John Parker Wilson did a great job. He gets us in the right formations and gets us in the right plays. He did a nice job throwing the ball tonight and had no turnovers. He made some really good third down throws. I am really pleased and happy with his performance. He showed great leadership tonight.”
Alabama quarterback John Parker Wilson later said, “We came out and started strong. We’ve talked about finishing and this time we did. The offensive line did a great job and we ran the ball well. Everything just fell into place. If we can [continue to] run the ball the way we did tonight, we can be pretty good. Our defense did a great job in stopping the run.”
"I wonder if JoePa is going to retire soon....Or I could always go to Pitt...."
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Tommy Bowden and Nick NITELITE Saban Collide!
Tommy Bowden and Nick NITELITE Saban Collide!
for Gods Among Men: Coaches and Coordinators in the SEC
"So that's Nitelite? He doesn't look that scary..."
The Clemson Tigers have been clamoring for recognition this off-season, and with an assembly of talent unmatched in the ACC, if the Clemson "Snooty" Tigers can get by Nick NITELITE Saban and the Alabama Crimson Tide tonight in the season opener, the "Snooty" Tigers should experience clear sailing until they reach the ACC championship game. A big part of Tommy Bowden’s team’s success this year may be attributed to the contributions of true freshman DE DaQuan Bowers, who many considered to be the nation’s best overall recruit. Expectations for Clemson are the highest since 1991.
The truth is this: if Tommy Bowden fails to put away Alabama tonight, he will likely be out of a job come January. If the Tigers fail to win the ACC or make a BCS Bowl, I think Tommy Bowden will be sent packing. Tommy Bowden’s ass should be immune to heat after years of under achieving, but it will be the hottest season yet if his Tigers don’t deliver on lofty expectations. Given the right circumstances, the biggest of which is the current weakness of the ACC, and it is foreseable for Clemson to work their way into the national championship debate. But if Clemson loses to Alabama and Nick NITELITE Saban, Bowden will return to his annual spot on the hot seat. Clemson never seems to do anything that truly impresses people. Alabama might have had the best recruiting class in the nation this past spring, but James Davis, C.J. Spiller, and a talented and deep Clemson roster look to steamroll the best Saban can patch together this early into the season.
While Tommy Bowden is a nationally recognized choke artist, and Saban could clearly out coach him with an equal team, Bowden may benefit from having caught Alabama early and inexperienced. Bowden has been on the hot seat more times than the number of pairs of ugly sunglasses that his dad owns. Saban will out scheme and out play-call Bowden to keep this one close even though the talent levels are not even comparable.
If there are any two coaches that cannot afford a loss on opening day it is Tommy Bowden and Nick NITELITE Saban. Bowden is entering his tenth season at Clemson, and has recruited a very talented group of players onto this ’08 team, so there is no excuse in the world for Bowden and the Tigers to lose to a second year coach that took over what was nothing more than a demoralized football program when Saban arrived in Tuscaloosa in January of 2007. Bowden has everything going for him in this game, and a loss to Alabama in a game that Clemson should not only win, but dominate, would be the first and quickest step to an abrupt exit. Tommy Bowden enters Saturday night’s game against Alabama on the Hot Seat in front of the entire nation, and it will be very interesting to see if Bowden can step-up and prove he deserves to be mentioned with the best coaches in the game. Lose to Alabama, and it might lead to the entire season unraveling for Clemson. It will be a fascinating match up to see how Bowden and Saban perform under the pressure of the national spotlight.
"...damn I hate losing...."
for Gods Among Men: Coaches and Coordinators in the SEC
"So that's Nitelite? He doesn't look that scary..."
The Clemson Tigers have been clamoring for recognition this off-season, and with an assembly of talent unmatched in the ACC, if the Clemson "Snooty" Tigers can get by Nick NITELITE Saban and the Alabama Crimson Tide tonight in the season opener, the "Snooty" Tigers should experience clear sailing until they reach the ACC championship game. A big part of Tommy Bowden’s team’s success this year may be attributed to the contributions of true freshman DE DaQuan Bowers, who many considered to be the nation’s best overall recruit. Expectations for Clemson are the highest since 1991.
The truth is this: if Tommy Bowden fails to put away Alabama tonight, he will likely be out of a job come January. If the Tigers fail to win the ACC or make a BCS Bowl, I think Tommy Bowden will be sent packing. Tommy Bowden’s ass should be immune to heat after years of under achieving, but it will be the hottest season yet if his Tigers don’t deliver on lofty expectations. Given the right circumstances, the biggest of which is the current weakness of the ACC, and it is foreseable for Clemson to work their way into the national championship debate. But if Clemson loses to Alabama and Nick NITELITE Saban, Bowden will return to his annual spot on the hot seat. Clemson never seems to do anything that truly impresses people. Alabama might have had the best recruiting class in the nation this past spring, but James Davis, C.J. Spiller, and a talented and deep Clemson roster look to steamroll the best Saban can patch together this early into the season.
While Tommy Bowden is a nationally recognized choke artist, and Saban could clearly out coach him with an equal team, Bowden may benefit from having caught Alabama early and inexperienced. Bowden has been on the hot seat more times than the number of pairs of ugly sunglasses that his dad owns. Saban will out scheme and out play-call Bowden to keep this one close even though the talent levels are not even comparable.
If there are any two coaches that cannot afford a loss on opening day it is Tommy Bowden and Nick NITELITE Saban. Bowden is entering his tenth season at Clemson, and has recruited a very talented group of players onto this ’08 team, so there is no excuse in the world for Bowden and the Tigers to lose to a second year coach that took over what was nothing more than a demoralized football program when Saban arrived in Tuscaloosa in January of 2007. Bowden has everything going for him in this game, and a loss to Alabama in a game that Clemson should not only win, but dominate, would be the first and quickest step to an abrupt exit. Tommy Bowden enters Saturday night’s game against Alabama on the Hot Seat in front of the entire nation, and it will be very interesting to see if Bowden can step-up and prove he deserves to be mentioned with the best coaches in the game. Lose to Alabama, and it might lead to the entire season unraveling for Clemson. It will be a fascinating match up to see how Bowden and Saban perform under the pressure of the national spotlight.
"...damn I hate losing...."
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Nick NITELITE Saban, hot on the recruiting trail, class of 2018
Nick NITELITE Saban, hot on the recruiting trail, class of 2018
for Gods Among Men: Coaches and Coordinators in the SEC
No one has ever questioned Nick NITELITE Saban's ability as a recruiter--this year's incoming haul is of such tremendous potential that many around Bama Nation are anxiously awaiting the "Freshman Tide". Led by Foley-phenom Julio Jones, the number one reciever recruit in the nation on many prospect rating services, Saban's entire class is full of potential instant impact players, including Don'ta Hightower, Devonta Bolden, Terrance Cody, and Kerry Murphy.
But the quarterback of the future may be current 8-year old Brentwood, California, quarterback, godson to none other than the Iowa Hawkeye's own Tom Arnold.
Tom Arnold, minutes before his godson's first official college tryout. Nick NITELITE Saban was impressed. Serious accusations of Recruiting Violations may stem from the incident, as "A Division I college may not provide recruiting materials to a prospect in this sport (including e-mail, instant messages, text messages, faxes and general correspondence related to athletics) until September 1 at the beginning of the prospect's junior year in high school". Hopefully no brochures changed hands....
Tom Arnold's take on the meeting: "..my G-Friend went to Bama..she’s got a place there, Nick Saban used to coach in the Big 10..so I took my godson, his mom and sisters to a closed practice with the AD[athletic director Mel Moore] to watch and say hello to Nick. (I did remind him of the Capital One Bowl a few years back and he’s a great guy so..:) My godson, who’s the best 8 year old quarterback in Brentwood California, is being forced to go to Alabama (unless he gets into Harvard) by is mother."
Nick NITELITE Saban's increasing national noteriety and Star Power will no doubt lead to more atheletes scooped from the upper-crust of the West Coast Media Elite.
for Gods Among Men: Coaches and Coordinators in the SEC
No one has ever questioned Nick NITELITE Saban's ability as a recruiter--this year's incoming haul is of such tremendous potential that many around Bama Nation are anxiously awaiting the "Freshman Tide". Led by Foley-phenom Julio Jones, the number one reciever recruit in the nation on many prospect rating services, Saban's entire class is full of potential instant impact players, including Don'ta Hightower, Devonta Bolden, Terrance Cody, and Kerry Murphy.
But the quarterback of the future may be current 8-year old Brentwood, California, quarterback, godson to none other than the Iowa Hawkeye's own Tom Arnold.
Tom Arnold, minutes before his godson's first official college tryout. Nick NITELITE Saban was impressed. Serious accusations of Recruiting Violations may stem from the incident, as "A Division I college may not provide recruiting materials to a prospect in this sport (including e-mail, instant messages, text messages, faxes and general correspondence related to athletics) until September 1 at the beginning of the prospect's junior year in high school". Hopefully no brochures changed hands....
Tom Arnold's take on the meeting: "..my G-Friend went to Bama..she’s got a place there, Nick Saban used to coach in the Big 10..so I took my godson, his mom and sisters to a closed practice with the AD[athletic director Mel Moore] to watch and say hello to Nick. (I did remind him of the Capital One Bowl a few years back and he’s a great guy so..:) My godson, who’s the best 8 year old quarterback in Brentwood California, is being forced to go to Alabama (unless he gets into Harvard) by is mother."
Nick NITELITE Saban's increasing national noteriety and Star Power will no doubt lead to more atheletes scooped from the upper-crust of the West Coast Media Elite.
Monday, August 25, 2008
My Picks for Week 1 of SEC Action
My Picks for Week 1 of SEC Action
for 24-Hours of Propaganda
Thursday, August 28, 2008
AWAY
HOME
DETAILS
Vanderbilt (0-0)
Miami Oh (0-0)
7:30 PM VANDY: 91% My pick: Vanderbilt. Only because I want them to win. I generally want every SEC team to win every out of conference game.
NC State (0-0)
S Carolina (0-0)
8:00 PM USC: 87% My pick: South Carolina. Spurrier should have an ingenious game plan drawn up, and even if he does end up going with the punter at quarterback the Wolfpack will go down. I expect to see The Visor be thrown about five minutes before halftime, and again in the middle of the third quarter, after which it may not be put back on. For Blake Mitchell the Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome will finally start wearing off, and he may be able to sleep a whole night and know that Spurrier will not be sending him random football related txt messages late in the night and early in the morning, tormenting him.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Ga Southern (0-0)
Georgia (0-0)
12:30 PM UGA: 99%. My Pick: UGA. Georgia Southern suspending something on the upwards of 8 players for this game ensures that UGA will have to try hard not to go over the 90 point spread. I think The Spread is going to be more than The Over.
Hawaii (0-0)
Florida (0-0)
12:30 PM UF: 97% My Pick: Florida. Apparently 97% of people agree. The other three percent live in Hawaii. They'd have a strong case if they still had Colt Brennan, who has looked fantastic for the Redskins in the preseason.
Appalachian St (0-0)
LSU (0-0)
5:00 PM LSU: 96% My Pick: Appalachian State. I am of the 4% who remember the first week of the season last year, and Appalachian State upsetting Michigan in "the biggest upset in sporting history" (before the Super Bowl in February). Not only that, but I remember that their quarterback ran for and passed for 17 touchdowns last year running the Spread Offense. I have also heard rumors that in Division II (now referred to by the NCAA as "football championship subdivision") they actually have a football playoff, and somehow, by some sort of weird Division II magic, play to determine the National Title, without an ensuing loss of academic integrity or sheer anarchy that would happen if we were to do that in Division I (now referred to by the NCAA as "football bowl subdivision"). Ironically, the Appalachain State Mountaineers are the three-time defending Division II (FCS) National Champion. This matchup will be the first time that the defending Div I (FBS) and Div II (FCS) champions will meet on the field. My decision goes based almost entirely on the two sets of QB stories behind the teams. ASU's junior quarterback, Armanti Edwards, is probably already the most successful quarterback in FCS history. He is a top-notch dual threat and one of only six players in history to pass for 2,000 yards and rush for 1,000 yards in a season, and was just 52 yards short of duplicating the feat despite missing significant time. Edwards is coming into his junior season as ASU’s all-time leader in total offense (266.9 ypg) and rushing (106.1 ypg) per game with a 22-2 career record as a starter. LSU is still trying to choose between the kid from Harvard (Hatch) or the redshirt freshman (Lee). I usually pick an underdog, and this would be a nice one to see even if it is an SEC team going down out of conference. It's especially fitting that losing this game will be the first purely "Les Miles Recruited" team.
Mississippi St (0-0)
LA Tech (0-0)
6:45 PM MSU: 95% My Pick: Mississippi State. Because this is one of the games even they can count on to win.
Ul Monroe (0-0)
Auburn (0-0)
7:00 PM AUB: 98% My Pick: Auburn. ULM is not nearly the powerhouse DIV II team that App State is, no matter what Alabama fans say about it.
Memphis (0-0)
Ole Miss (0-0)
7:00 PM MISS: 86% My Pick: Ole Miss. Memphis might be one of those sneaky mid-south, mid-level teams that sometimes, out of no where, has good years. But if there is anyone in the world who knows The Art of War, and by following this, knows every single facet and fact of every single player and coach of Memphis, it is Houston Nutt, who has been delving into pagen idolotry and voodoo recently in his search for the secret of winning. Very few people are allowed to talk to him directly, and when they do, he mostly quotes Hamlet and talks about "collateral damage". Most of his players have been scared shitless of him for weeks.
Westrn Illinois (0-0)
Arkansas (0-0)
7:00 PM ARK: 98% My Pick: Arkansas. It's a contract year for Bobby Petrino. It's always a contract year for Bobby Petrino. And in a contract year, you always do your best to run up the score on the high school teams you play. Petrino doesn't even bother to learn his own players names anymore, he knows it might be a whole new team and a whole new league just as likely next week so why get attached to anything?
Alabama (0-0)
Clemson (0-0)
8:00 PM BAMA: 53% My Pick: Clemson. I've got a couple names for you. CJ Spiller and James Davis. They are about to open a can of whoop-ass on Alabama the likes of which has not been seen in a long time. I predict about 250 yards of rushing offense for the Clemson "Snooty" Tigers. You know how all the teams look really bad tackling the first game of the year? Alabama will look like that times 10. The Tide will score enough to hang with Clemson most of the game, but in the fourth quarter Clemson's experience will overwhelm the "Freshman Tide" crusading Nick NITELITE Saban has assembled. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that freshman-phenom Julio Jones will not catch 20 balls and score 20 touchdowns in his first game. If he did, then Alabama would probably win, so I can see why a lot of people expect them to win. But he won't, so neither will they.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Kentucky (0-0)
Louisville (0-0)
3:30 PM UK: 57% My Pick: Louisville. Louisville lacks Brian Brohm. Kentucky lacks Andre Woodson. Andre Woodson is mostly the only reason Kentucky did that most unlikely thing, and by that I mean win footballs games, last year.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Tennessee (0-0)
UCLA (0-0)
8:00 PM TENN: 81% My Pick: UCLA. I want to go on the record and say that I hate the PAC-10 more than I hate Fat Phil Fulmer. As hard as this will seem to be to believe, it is absolutely true. So for the second time in two years I will have to root for a Fal Phil led motley-crew against a supposed PAC-10 "powerhouse". I will WANT Tennessee to win. I will root for their idiotic quarterbacks and lackasadaisal recievers. I will be mesmorized for moments by the abilities of Arian Foster. I will pull for the humanitarian story of returning safety Demetrice Morley, who after being dismissed from the team spent time living in his car. I will root for Tennessee to win, and they will no doubt lose. Probably lose embarassingly big. Colquitt, the punter and sadly probably their best player, is suspended for this and four more games after off-field incidents, so the one thing Tennessee can do better than anyone, punt, is also going to be a question mark for this big orange blob of a question mark. Mostly always injured Jonathan Crompton looks to take over the duties of departed Erik Ainge when enough duct tape can be procured to hold him together.
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Thursday, August 28, 2008
AWAY
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DETAILS
Vanderbilt (0-0)
Miami Oh (0-0)
7:30 PM VANDY: 91% My pick: Vanderbilt. Only because I want them to win. I generally want every SEC team to win every out of conference game.
NC State (0-0)
S Carolina (0-0)
8:00 PM USC: 87% My pick: South Carolina. Spurrier should have an ingenious game plan drawn up, and even if he does end up going with the punter at quarterback the Wolfpack will go down. I expect to see The Visor be thrown about five minutes before halftime, and again in the middle of the third quarter, after which it may not be put back on. For Blake Mitchell the Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome will finally start wearing off, and he may be able to sleep a whole night and know that Spurrier will not be sending him random football related txt messages late in the night and early in the morning, tormenting him.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Ga Southern (0-0)
Georgia (0-0)
12:30 PM UGA: 99%. My Pick: UGA. Georgia Southern suspending something on the upwards of 8 players for this game ensures that UGA will have to try hard not to go over the 90 point spread. I think The Spread is going to be more than The Over.
Hawaii (0-0)
Florida (0-0)
12:30 PM UF: 97% My Pick: Florida. Apparently 97% of people agree. The other three percent live in Hawaii. They'd have a strong case if they still had Colt Brennan, who has looked fantastic for the Redskins in the preseason.
Appalachian St (0-0)
LSU (0-0)
5:00 PM LSU: 96% My Pick: Appalachian State. I am of the 4% who remember the first week of the season last year, and Appalachian State upsetting Michigan in "the biggest upset in sporting history" (before the Super Bowl in February). Not only that, but I remember that their quarterback ran for and passed for 17 touchdowns last year running the Spread Offense. I have also heard rumors that in Division II (now referred to by the NCAA as "football championship subdivision") they actually have a football playoff, and somehow, by some sort of weird Division II magic, play to determine the National Title, without an ensuing loss of academic integrity or sheer anarchy that would happen if we were to do that in Division I (now referred to by the NCAA as "football bowl subdivision"). Ironically, the Appalachain State Mountaineers are the three-time defending Division II (FCS) National Champion. This matchup will be the first time that the defending Div I (FBS) and Div II (FCS) champions will meet on the field. My decision goes based almost entirely on the two sets of QB stories behind the teams. ASU's junior quarterback, Armanti Edwards, is probably already the most successful quarterback in FCS history. He is a top-notch dual threat and one of only six players in history to pass for 2,000 yards and rush for 1,000 yards in a season, and was just 52 yards short of duplicating the feat despite missing significant time. Edwards is coming into his junior season as ASU’s all-time leader in total offense (266.9 ypg) and rushing (106.1 ypg) per game with a 22-2 career record as a starter. LSU is still trying to choose between the kid from Harvard (Hatch) or the redshirt freshman (Lee). I usually pick an underdog, and this would be a nice one to see even if it is an SEC team going down out of conference. It's especially fitting that losing this game will be the first purely "Les Miles Recruited" team.
Mississippi St (0-0)
LA Tech (0-0)
6:45 PM MSU: 95% My Pick: Mississippi State. Because this is one of the games even they can count on to win.
Ul Monroe (0-0)
Auburn (0-0)
7:00 PM AUB: 98% My Pick: Auburn. ULM is not nearly the powerhouse DIV II team that App State is, no matter what Alabama fans say about it.
Memphis (0-0)
Ole Miss (0-0)
7:00 PM MISS: 86% My Pick: Ole Miss. Memphis might be one of those sneaky mid-south, mid-level teams that sometimes, out of no where, has good years. But if there is anyone in the world who knows The Art of War, and by following this, knows every single facet and fact of every single player and coach of Memphis, it is Houston Nutt, who has been delving into pagen idolotry and voodoo recently in his search for the secret of winning. Very few people are allowed to talk to him directly, and when they do, he mostly quotes Hamlet and talks about "collateral damage". Most of his players have been scared shitless of him for weeks.
Westrn Illinois (0-0)
Arkansas (0-0)
7:00 PM ARK: 98% My Pick: Arkansas. It's a contract year for Bobby Petrino. It's always a contract year for Bobby Petrino. And in a contract year, you always do your best to run up the score on the high school teams you play. Petrino doesn't even bother to learn his own players names anymore, he knows it might be a whole new team and a whole new league just as likely next week so why get attached to anything?
Alabama (0-0)
Clemson (0-0)
8:00 PM BAMA: 53% My Pick: Clemson. I've got a couple names for you. CJ Spiller and James Davis. They are about to open a can of whoop-ass on Alabama the likes of which has not been seen in a long time. I predict about 250 yards of rushing offense for the Clemson "Snooty" Tigers. You know how all the teams look really bad tackling the first game of the year? Alabama will look like that times 10. The Tide will score enough to hang with Clemson most of the game, but in the fourth quarter Clemson's experience will overwhelm the "Freshman Tide" crusading Nick NITELITE Saban has assembled. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that freshman-phenom Julio Jones will not catch 20 balls and score 20 touchdowns in his first game. If he did, then Alabama would probably win, so I can see why a lot of people expect them to win. But he won't, so neither will they.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Kentucky (0-0)
Louisville (0-0)
3:30 PM UK: 57% My Pick: Louisville. Louisville lacks Brian Brohm. Kentucky lacks Andre Woodson. Andre Woodson is mostly the only reason Kentucky did that most unlikely thing, and by that I mean win footballs games, last year.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Tennessee (0-0)
UCLA (0-0)
8:00 PM TENN: 81% My Pick: UCLA. I want to go on the record and say that I hate the PAC-10 more than I hate Fat Phil Fulmer. As hard as this will seem to be to believe, it is absolutely true. So for the second time in two years I will have to root for a Fal Phil led motley-crew against a supposed PAC-10 "powerhouse". I will WANT Tennessee to win. I will root for their idiotic quarterbacks and lackasadaisal recievers. I will be mesmorized for moments by the abilities of Arian Foster. I will pull for the humanitarian story of returning safety Demetrice Morley, who after being dismissed from the team spent time living in his car. I will root for Tennessee to win, and they will no doubt lose. Probably lose embarassingly big. Colquitt, the punter and sadly probably their best player, is suspended for this and four more games after off-field incidents, so the one thing Tennessee can do better than anyone, punt, is also going to be a question mark for this big orange blob of a question mark. Mostly always injured Jonathan Crompton looks to take over the duties of departed Erik Ainge when enough duct tape can be procured to hold him together.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
2008 SEC Football Preview
2008 Southeastern Conference Football Preview
for 24-Hours of Propaganda
The Fear is upon us all. From Little Rock to Gainesville. It's always pretty bleak in Baton Rouge, and Nashville has never really had a reason to stop Fearing. Nick Nitelite Saban knows The Fear, and Spurrier thrives on it. Sometimes, late at night, Houston Nutt touches himself while thinking about it, and even Bobby Petrino knows you can't buy it for all the money in the world.
The Fear.
The Fear is we might suck this year. It is the secret unsaid thing in the hearts and minds of football fans all over the SEC. Really, it would be The World, but it is only here that Football replaces The Virgin Mary almost universally in the Holy Trinity. Godless California, USC, the PAC-10, these people view football season as the off-season for such manly sports as gymnastics and indoor track. Lacrosse is really big in the Northeast, and in the midwest it will always either be Hockey or Basketball season, with baseball left over for the dweebs. This is the time of year when all the sweet illusions of the off-season start to crumble. The new kid's arm ain't that good, he can't even complete a flag pass on command. The running back's knees are shot. That new coordinator is really just a media darling with no idea what to really do. Some people see the L's in their eyes when they close them at night, trying to forget them and get just one more decent night's rest before another grueling and Fearful season. Sylvester Croom only sleeps good this time of year, better than you think he should.
GEORGIA: The biggest story in Athens this off-season is the three-headed single team race for the Heisman Trophy. Everyone in the world, even Thailand, knows that its either going to come down to Tebow, or the player most instrumental in Georgia's defeat of Florida. Tebow could still win in the balloting, but a UGA win wo0uld be a handoff to either Matt Stafford, the undeafeated in four years of starting in high school quarterback and pretty much just as awesome in college quarterback, Knowshon Moreno, who is not going to be sneaking up on anyone this year and is, in fact, not the re-incarnation of Darren McFadden because Darren McFadden is, in fact, alive and playing for the Oakland Raiders this year, which is actually a fate WORSE than death but for that kind of money who cares, and Mark Richt, who is so insulated from the outside world and commonly accepted reality his inner circle's failure to tell him that he cannot in fact with the Heisman Trophy as a coach has caused many a countless hour of wasted off season time. The good thing is that UGA is so stacked that the entire first team on both sides (minus Moreno and Staff) and they would still steamroll almost anyone on their schedule. Unfortunately, this year, UGA is being served up as one of the Sacrificial Bulls for the PAC-10 to cermoniously abuse and slaughter. If Mark Richt can get his head out of his rear, maybe he can figure out a way to outcoach the Out West Vertical Offense. In the mix also is Steve Spurrier, who, as his personal mission of creating and destroying young men's lives, sees it as his duty to trounce either Tebow, Stafford, or both. He doesn't necessarily have anyone on his team, aside from an outside shot by Kenny McKinley, to WIN the Heisman, but Spurrier gets off on nothing more than being able to personally influence the race for the trophy he won back in 1966.If UGA can get through it's brutal schedule undefeated and win the perfunctory SEC Championship, then a National Title should only be one game away.
FLORIDA: The same could be said about Florida. The same could be said for a lot of places, but in Florida, this is the words on the lips of every Gator Coach, Player, and Fan. The problem for Florida's Coach is that he will never outlive the shadows of Steve Spurrier, the close proximity of the unfulfilled dreams the Miami Dolphins had about Nick Nitelite Saban's aborted tenure, Bobby Bowdens undead rotting carcass running amuck in the forests of Seminole Country inseminating bigfoots on a quest to create more Terry's and Tommy's, Larry Coker's disembodied and purgatoried spirit wandering the lonely nightime Florida coasts reliving the moment of blowing The Big Game, over and over, every two minutes until God feels he has paid for his sins. So whoever is coaching in Florida, they must surely feel good about life right now having Tim Tebow, the Greatest Football Player Ever, on their team. Think about a Mike Vick who can throw and not fight pitbulls and smoke weed at practice and on airplanes. Think about a Broadway Joe Namath for the modern generation (the one that won't remember Brett Favre in a couple years). Think about a guy who can win entire football games on his own if only you could make 10 almost as athletically talented clones of him. Archie Griffin has already ceeded his place in history as the only person to win The Heisman twice, because, unless Staff can beat him, Tebow will win it again this year. Not even a miracle season by Jimmy Clausen could stand up to the unbelieveable scary talent of Tim Tebow. Recently, the Pricipality of Dubai surrendered to UF, thinking that their odds of being able to defeat them were little to none. Dubai has yet to understand the complexities of football, unfortunately, and it may take longer than Tebow's college career for them to catch up with Syria's uniquely perceptive National Mind for our National Game. Soccar's reign as the world's most popular sport is in decline, and the NFL's global reach is rising on an average of a yearly veiwership increase of 15%. Tim Tebow was the prototypical quarterback to run the spread offense, and UF will likely rollover almost every team they play like the good ol' Spurrier Days. The secret plan of the Miami Dolphins is to throw a majority of their games until Tebow is available in the draft. They can't afford to lose another franchise player like Darren McFadden ever again, especially one Florida born, raised, and triumphant. The sadder thing is that Tebow might be destined to be the 21st Century Archie MANNING if the Dolphins evil plan comes to fruitation.
SOUTH CAROLINA: Steve Spurrier has been working a lot of overtime this summer. Not because he has to, but because he wants to. Knowing that he could be the Heisman Spoiler on two of the strongest candidates the SEC has had in recent memory, his quest to succeed in demolishing them both has known no bounds. Earlier in the spring Spurrier spread rumors around Dallas, Texas, Stafford's hometown, in the hopes of rifting his relationship with his then girlfriend, a high school sweetheart. Months later, in June, Stafford responded by dating one of Spurrier's neices in a high profile and short lived fling that ended up on the pages of a July issue of People Magazine.Spurrier's personal rivalry with Tebow has cooled, and no off-the-field tactics have been reportedly been used since Tebow won the Heisman this past December.Unfortunately Spurrier's Coup De Grace of recruiting Chris Smelley out from the under the University of Alabama (to make up for not getting a shot at Tebow) has panned out as less than successful, and as is common, Spurrier has been trying different options at Quarterback after being disappointed in the play of both Smelley, Tommy Beecher, and the other couple of no-name quarterbacks on his roster, trying out the punter who had played QB in high school junior varsity and also running several plays in practice each day out of the Wing-T. Look for a 6-WR spread offense again with whichever WR can throw best three yards behind center on opening night versus NC State. Kenny McKinley is poised to finish his career as the statistically best reciever in USC history, edging out Sidney Rice who he shared the field with his first two seasons.
tennessee: Fat Phil Fulmer's decade's old "relationship" with a pool boy of foreign descent ended this spring, apparenty on "amicable terms" according to the San Francisco Star, and many in Rocky Top are holding their breathe in concern on what ol' Fat Phil's mental state may be by season's start. TENN's inability to recruit a decent qb prospect since Peyton Manning will be obviously apparent this year, as even half-metally challenged Erik Ainge is now playing with blocks with a college degree and out of college, finally. Think of this season as Fat Phil's last time around the block. Many people are.
Kentucky: Boring.
Vanderbilt: Snooze button.
ALABAMA: Unlike Auburn, everyone in Tuscaloosa knows who the starter is. John Parker Wilson is back for his senior campaign, and watch for a competant season from him, and if any of Nick NITELITE Saban's miracle dust can rub off on any of his skill players, Alabama stands poised to take The West. QB controversies kill teams before the season begins, and that is the one thing that there is no question about in Tuscaloosa. There are a lot of other questions, such as, "Is Nick NITELITE Saban worth $32 million dollars? Can he beat Auburn? Will he stop being so mean to his players?" But those questions are all stupid.If you are anything like you, you spend a significant part of the off-season watching CSS Football Replays, and I am reminded of a sequence from a game I saw about a month ago. Alabama had just got intercepted a decisive pass and the offense was transitioning onto the field. The play was almost started before the defense called timeout, and as the players ran off the field Nitelite grabbed one of the linemen and started sceaming at him, ripping his chinstrap off of his helmet completely and kicking him not only off the field, but sending him to the showers. Because my experience with deaf people I could read his lips, which were saying something along the lines of "get the h*** off the field, I'm pulling your scholarship, don't even be IN the lockerroom when I get in there", and John Parker Wilson was trying to convince Nitelite that it had in fact been the other team that called timeout. Too bad for that kid. But that's the kind of "on-the-edge" coaching style that got Nitelite bestowed with the hatred and mire of almost every single person he has ever coached at any school or team he has ever worked at. You gotta love him. The Alabama Fans are still enthralled, but when his records start to reflect his totalitarian personality negatively, watch for him to dart Bobby Petrino-style to the best offer his agent Jimmy Sexton (who is also Bobby Petrino's agent) can scrounge up on a moments notice. Alabama wins the west because no one else in the west knows who their qb is gonna be, and by the time they figure it out, it will be too late.A star defensive tackle, remarking about Nitelite on CSS "Under The Lights", "He used to make grown me cry in the Pro's. What do you think he does to us kids?"
AUBURN: Tommy "The Riverboat Gambler" Tuberville's inability to man up and call his two quarterbacks in his office and walk out with one the clearcut starter and other the reserve/back-up is going to cost Auburn games this year. Maybe a few of them. Maybe all of the big 6. It will cost Auburn games in the future when it is difficult to recruit players to come to Auburn, especially Quarterbacks. It may cost Tommy Tuberville his job, faster than you can imagine. Kodi "Blunt" Burns does not have the arm that football-launching Chris Todd brings to the table. Either way, Tuberville would be better to pick one or the other and go with it rather than try the time-tested and always-failed technique of rotating quarterbacks(other than for specialty running plays). This will spell disaster for Auburn, and the season will be an embarrassment that will take years to recover from. Combined with a better than expected season by Alabama and we will be spelling TRAGETY in the headlines, this year, and for a long time to come.
LSU: Ryan Perriloux was poised to be a complete disaster at quarterback for LSU, a highly unstable and irradically behaved off-field imbriglio on track to be an embarassment to his Team, his School, his Family and his hometown Community. Having achieved that, LSU wisely decided to move on at quarterback, and Perilloux will be Jack State's mess to deal with. The QB situation is uncertain, and if they can solve it quicker (my guess, HATCH) and with more certainty than Auburn, look for a decent championship defense.
OLE MISS: Following what passes for "The Best and Most Reliable Information" coming out of Oxford, Mississippi, Houston Nutt has sequestered himself in the isolated outpost, possibly completely alone and strung out, using techniques that are beyond the pale of acceptable human behavior. With dictatorial control now over the entire football program, Nutt, in the words of one of his inner-cabal of yes-men and neophytes, "has access to too much money, too much equipment, and little by little we are all going insane."
Mississippi State: Sylvester Croom suicide watch, as usual, 24/7.
Arkansas: Bobby Petrino, who has the same agent, ironically, as Nick NITELITE Saban, is entertaining offers, as always. No offer is too ludicrious, especially the deeper into a losing season he plummets.
for 24-Hours of Propaganda
The Fear is upon us all. From Little Rock to Gainesville. It's always pretty bleak in Baton Rouge, and Nashville has never really had a reason to stop Fearing. Nick Nitelite Saban knows The Fear, and Spurrier thrives on it. Sometimes, late at night, Houston Nutt touches himself while thinking about it, and even Bobby Petrino knows you can't buy it for all the money in the world.
The Fear.
The Fear is we might suck this year. It is the secret unsaid thing in the hearts and minds of football fans all over the SEC. Really, it would be The World, but it is only here that Football replaces The Virgin Mary almost universally in the Holy Trinity. Godless California, USC, the PAC-10, these people view football season as the off-season for such manly sports as gymnastics and indoor track. Lacrosse is really big in the Northeast, and in the midwest it will always either be Hockey or Basketball season, with baseball left over for the dweebs. This is the time of year when all the sweet illusions of the off-season start to crumble. The new kid's arm ain't that good, he can't even complete a flag pass on command. The running back's knees are shot. That new coordinator is really just a media darling with no idea what to really do. Some people see the L's in their eyes when they close them at night, trying to forget them and get just one more decent night's rest before another grueling and Fearful season. Sylvester Croom only sleeps good this time of year, better than you think he should.
GEORGIA: The biggest story in Athens this off-season is the three-headed single team race for the Heisman Trophy. Everyone in the world, even Thailand, knows that its either going to come down to Tebow, or the player most instrumental in Georgia's defeat of Florida. Tebow could still win in the balloting, but a UGA win wo0uld be a handoff to either Matt Stafford, the undeafeated in four years of starting in high school quarterback and pretty much just as awesome in college quarterback, Knowshon Moreno, who is not going to be sneaking up on anyone this year and is, in fact, not the re-incarnation of Darren McFadden because Darren McFadden is, in fact, alive and playing for the Oakland Raiders this year, which is actually a fate WORSE than death but for that kind of money who cares, and Mark Richt, who is so insulated from the outside world and commonly accepted reality his inner circle's failure to tell him that he cannot in fact with the Heisman Trophy as a coach has caused many a countless hour of wasted off season time. The good thing is that UGA is so stacked that the entire first team on both sides (minus Moreno and Staff) and they would still steamroll almost anyone on their schedule. Unfortunately, this year, UGA is being served up as one of the Sacrificial Bulls for the PAC-10 to cermoniously abuse and slaughter. If Mark Richt can get his head out of his rear, maybe he can figure out a way to outcoach the Out West Vertical Offense. In the mix also is Steve Spurrier, who, as his personal mission of creating and destroying young men's lives, sees it as his duty to trounce either Tebow, Stafford, or both. He doesn't necessarily have anyone on his team, aside from an outside shot by Kenny McKinley, to WIN the Heisman, but Spurrier gets off on nothing more than being able to personally influence the race for the trophy he won back in 1966.If UGA can get through it's brutal schedule undefeated and win the perfunctory SEC Championship, then a National Title should only be one game away.
FLORIDA: The same could be said about Florida. The same could be said for a lot of places, but in Florida, this is the words on the lips of every Gator Coach, Player, and Fan. The problem for Florida's Coach is that he will never outlive the shadows of Steve Spurrier, the close proximity of the unfulfilled dreams the Miami Dolphins had about Nick Nitelite Saban's aborted tenure, Bobby Bowdens undead rotting carcass running amuck in the forests of Seminole Country inseminating bigfoots on a quest to create more Terry's and Tommy's, Larry Coker's disembodied and purgatoried spirit wandering the lonely nightime Florida coasts reliving the moment of blowing The Big Game, over and over, every two minutes until God feels he has paid for his sins. So whoever is coaching in Florida, they must surely feel good about life right now having Tim Tebow, the Greatest Football Player Ever, on their team. Think about a Mike Vick who can throw and not fight pitbulls and smoke weed at practice and on airplanes. Think about a Broadway Joe Namath for the modern generation (the one that won't remember Brett Favre in a couple years). Think about a guy who can win entire football games on his own if only you could make 10 almost as athletically talented clones of him. Archie Griffin has already ceeded his place in history as the only person to win The Heisman twice, because, unless Staff can beat him, Tebow will win it again this year. Not even a miracle season by Jimmy Clausen could stand up to the unbelieveable scary talent of Tim Tebow. Recently, the Pricipality of Dubai surrendered to UF, thinking that their odds of being able to defeat them were little to none. Dubai has yet to understand the complexities of football, unfortunately, and it may take longer than Tebow's college career for them to catch up with Syria's uniquely perceptive National Mind for our National Game. Soccar's reign as the world's most popular sport is in decline, and the NFL's global reach is rising on an average of a yearly veiwership increase of 15%. Tim Tebow was the prototypical quarterback to run the spread offense, and UF will likely rollover almost every team they play like the good ol' Spurrier Days. The secret plan of the Miami Dolphins is to throw a majority of their games until Tebow is available in the draft. They can't afford to lose another franchise player like Darren McFadden ever again, especially one Florida born, raised, and triumphant. The sadder thing is that Tebow might be destined to be the 21st Century Archie MANNING if the Dolphins evil plan comes to fruitation.
SOUTH CAROLINA: Steve Spurrier has been working a lot of overtime this summer. Not because he has to, but because he wants to. Knowing that he could be the Heisman Spoiler on two of the strongest candidates the SEC has had in recent memory, his quest to succeed in demolishing them both has known no bounds. Earlier in the spring Spurrier spread rumors around Dallas, Texas, Stafford's hometown, in the hopes of rifting his relationship with his then girlfriend, a high school sweetheart. Months later, in June, Stafford responded by dating one of Spurrier's neices in a high profile and short lived fling that ended up on the pages of a July issue of People Magazine.Spurrier's personal rivalry with Tebow has cooled, and no off-the-field tactics have been reportedly been used since Tebow won the Heisman this past December.Unfortunately Spurrier's Coup De Grace of recruiting Chris Smelley out from the under the University of Alabama (to make up for not getting a shot at Tebow) has panned out as less than successful, and as is common, Spurrier has been trying different options at Quarterback after being disappointed in the play of both Smelley, Tommy Beecher, and the other couple of no-name quarterbacks on his roster, trying out the punter who had played QB in high school junior varsity and also running several plays in practice each day out of the Wing-T. Look for a 6-WR spread offense again with whichever WR can throw best three yards behind center on opening night versus NC State. Kenny McKinley is poised to finish his career as the statistically best reciever in USC history, edging out Sidney Rice who he shared the field with his first two seasons.
tennessee: Fat Phil Fulmer's decade's old "relationship" with a pool boy of foreign descent ended this spring, apparenty on "amicable terms" according to the San Francisco Star, and many in Rocky Top are holding their breathe in concern on what ol' Fat Phil's mental state may be by season's start. TENN's inability to recruit a decent qb prospect since Peyton Manning will be obviously apparent this year, as even half-metally challenged Erik Ainge is now playing with blocks with a college degree and out of college, finally. Think of this season as Fat Phil's last time around the block. Many people are.
Kentucky: Boring.
Vanderbilt: Snooze button.
ALABAMA: Unlike Auburn, everyone in Tuscaloosa knows who the starter is. John Parker Wilson is back for his senior campaign, and watch for a competant season from him, and if any of Nick NITELITE Saban's miracle dust can rub off on any of his skill players, Alabama stands poised to take The West. QB controversies kill teams before the season begins, and that is the one thing that there is no question about in Tuscaloosa. There are a lot of other questions, such as, "Is Nick NITELITE Saban worth $32 million dollars? Can he beat Auburn? Will he stop being so mean to his players?" But those questions are all stupid.If you are anything like you, you spend a significant part of the off-season watching CSS Football Replays, and I am reminded of a sequence from a game I saw about a month ago. Alabama had just got intercepted a decisive pass and the offense was transitioning onto the field. The play was almost started before the defense called timeout, and as the players ran off the field Nitelite grabbed one of the linemen and started sceaming at him, ripping his chinstrap off of his helmet completely and kicking him not only off the field, but sending him to the showers. Because my experience with deaf people I could read his lips, which were saying something along the lines of "get the h*** off the field, I'm pulling your scholarship, don't even be IN the lockerroom when I get in there", and John Parker Wilson was trying to convince Nitelite that it had in fact been the other team that called timeout. Too bad for that kid. But that's the kind of "on-the-edge" coaching style that got Nitelite bestowed with the hatred and mire of almost every single person he has ever coached at any school or team he has ever worked at. You gotta love him. The Alabama Fans are still enthralled, but when his records start to reflect his totalitarian personality negatively, watch for him to dart Bobby Petrino-style to the best offer his agent Jimmy Sexton (who is also Bobby Petrino's agent) can scrounge up on a moments notice. Alabama wins the west because no one else in the west knows who their qb is gonna be, and by the time they figure it out, it will be too late.A star defensive tackle, remarking about Nitelite on CSS "Under The Lights", "He used to make grown me cry in the Pro's. What do you think he does to us kids?"
AUBURN: Tommy "The Riverboat Gambler" Tuberville's inability to man up and call his two quarterbacks in his office and walk out with one the clearcut starter and other the reserve/back-up is going to cost Auburn games this year. Maybe a few of them. Maybe all of the big 6. It will cost Auburn games in the future when it is difficult to recruit players to come to Auburn, especially Quarterbacks. It may cost Tommy Tuberville his job, faster than you can imagine. Kodi "Blunt" Burns does not have the arm that football-launching Chris Todd brings to the table. Either way, Tuberville would be better to pick one or the other and go with it rather than try the time-tested and always-failed technique of rotating quarterbacks(other than for specialty running plays). This will spell disaster for Auburn, and the season will be an embarrassment that will take years to recover from. Combined with a better than expected season by Alabama and we will be spelling TRAGETY in the headlines, this year, and for a long time to come.
LSU: Ryan Perriloux was poised to be a complete disaster at quarterback for LSU, a highly unstable and irradically behaved off-field imbriglio on track to be an embarassment to his Team, his School, his Family and his hometown Community. Having achieved that, LSU wisely decided to move on at quarterback, and Perilloux will be Jack State's mess to deal with. The QB situation is uncertain, and if they can solve it quicker (my guess, HATCH) and with more certainty than Auburn, look for a decent championship defense.
OLE MISS: Following what passes for "The Best and Most Reliable Information" coming out of Oxford, Mississippi, Houston Nutt has sequestered himself in the isolated outpost, possibly completely alone and strung out, using techniques that are beyond the pale of acceptable human behavior. With dictatorial control now over the entire football program, Nutt, in the words of one of his inner-cabal of yes-men and neophytes, "has access to too much money, too much equipment, and little by little we are all going insane."
Mississippi State: Sylvester Croom suicide watch, as usual, 24/7.
Arkansas: Bobby Petrino, who has the same agent, ironically, as Nick NITELITE Saban, is entertaining offers, as always. No offer is too ludicrious, especially the deeper into a losing season he plummets.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Pacific Northwest Bound Nitelite???
Is Nick NITELITE Saban Already Planning an Exit Strategy to the Pacific Northwest?
for 24-Hours of Propaganda
Several Sources close to the University of Washington have been leaking information to various media outlets in the last week to the effect that Nick NITELITE Saban, head coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide, has been in "what-if" talks with the UW football program.
"Nothing definitive," one source said, "Nothing indicating a specific time frame or immediate need for Saban to make a move."
Others are more explicit with explanations for his backhanded search for assurance of future employment. "There seem to be things in the Alabama Program that have Saban concerned, things outside of his control and probably woven into the fabric of football at Alabama." Said another source close to Mark Emmert, President of the University of Washington.
Alabama recently exited the probation era that saw them lose scholarships and bowl eligibility after being accused by, among others, Phil Fulmer of paying recruits to attend the University of Alabama. Also, the NCAA reportedly ignored similar allegations at Tennessee after Fulmer provided damning evidence against Alabama in 2000.
There have been unsubstantiated connections being made that the University of Florida and Urban Meyer somehow have a part in the unfolding Saban-UW drama, but nothing so much as a coherent storyline has developed as of this time.
Reportedly, Emmert has floated Saban's name to a number of UW boosters. He also has presented it as a "what if" scenario, painting a picture to boosters that goes along the lines of "the similarities with LSU and UW are eerily similar. both are once-proud programs fallen on hard times, with great resources and facilities. UW has a chance to provide a counterweight to USC on the West coast which has been pitifully neglected. As Willingham flames out---UW needs to commit to football, and we need to prepare to hire the best possible coach".
Saban signed a 8-Year, $32 million dollar contract with the University of Alabama January 4, 2007, and is expected to lead the once-proud Crimson Tide to the promised land. Saban agent Jimmy Sexton was unavailable for comment, as was the office of The President of the University of Washington.
for 24-Hours of Propaganda
Several Sources close to the University of Washington have been leaking information to various media outlets in the last week to the effect that Nick NITELITE Saban, head coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide, has been in "what-if" talks with the UW football program.
"Nothing definitive," one source said, "Nothing indicating a specific time frame or immediate need for Saban to make a move."
Others are more explicit with explanations for his backhanded search for assurance of future employment. "There seem to be things in the Alabama Program that have Saban concerned, things outside of his control and probably woven into the fabric of football at Alabama." Said another source close to Mark Emmert, President of the University of Washington.
Alabama recently exited the probation era that saw them lose scholarships and bowl eligibility after being accused by, among others, Phil Fulmer of paying recruits to attend the University of Alabama. Also, the NCAA reportedly ignored similar allegations at Tennessee after Fulmer provided damning evidence against Alabama in 2000.
There have been unsubstantiated connections being made that the University of Florida and Urban Meyer somehow have a part in the unfolding Saban-UW drama, but nothing so much as a coherent storyline has developed as of this time.
Reportedly, Emmert has floated Saban's name to a number of UW boosters. He also has presented it as a "what if" scenario, painting a picture to boosters that goes along the lines of "the similarities with LSU and UW are eerily similar. both are once-proud programs fallen on hard times, with great resources and facilities. UW has a chance to provide a counterweight to USC on the West coast which has been pitifully neglected. As Willingham flames out---UW needs to commit to football, and we need to prepare to hire the best possible coach".
Saban signed a 8-Year, $32 million dollar contract with the University of Alabama January 4, 2007, and is expected to lead the once-proud Crimson Tide to the promised land. Saban agent Jimmy Sexton was unavailable for comment, as was the office of The President of the University of Washington.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Fuck Bernie Kosar.
Fuck Bernie Kosar.
Coach and Bukner find themselves sitting in the stands at the Orlando Predators versus the Cleveland Gladiators wildcard game in the Arena League Football Playoffs. The game is already started, and the beers have been flowing for a while.
(Coach)--Look at those assholes run around. I can't believe we don't see any ball control offense in this mutt of a game.
(Bukner)--I know coach, it makes me sad to think a fat boy like me has no use in this league.
(Coach)--We didn't have much use for you in the other league, anyways.
(Bukner)--I did, however, win the National Championship with Coach Saban....
(Coach)--NITELITE!!!!! I told you to stop bringing that up. That was a SPLIT National Championship, if I remember correctly, so you fukers only won HALF a National Championship....
(Bukner)--Whoa, did you see that??
(Coach)--I'm sorry, I didn't mean to spill that beer on you, you know I'd never waste alcohol...
(Bukner)--No, that kid, the one that just caught the touchdown.
(Coach)--Another touchdown? Don't these players ever take breaks? TV timeouts? Anything?
(Bukner)--Yeah, that's when the cheerleaders run out on the field.
(Coach)--Oh, I thought that was how first down worked in the AFL....
(Bukner)--That kid who caught the ball, he looked good. Really good. Almost too good to be here.
(Coach)--I think we are too good to be here. How did we get here anyways? Everything is sorta a blur after 3 O'clock thursday afternoon. What time is it now? Like five in the morning Sunday?
(Bukner)--No, it's six in the evening Monday.
(Coach)--Goddamn it, football season is probably right around the corner, isn't it? What month is it, May?
(Bukner)--Almost July.
(Coach)--GODDAMN FOOTBALL!!!! NITELITE!!!!! Still, I how did we get here? I thought we were in Oaklahoma celebrating the expiring of my 20 year ban from Oaklahoma and Missouri.
(Bukner)--First you got the DUI thursday afternoon. Then we got bailed out just in time to make the fishing trip with Bob Knight. Then you guys got to drinking and berating pedestrians as we drove around trying to find an all nudie strip club in Columbus, OH, and then you heard that Bernie Kosar owned an AFL team and was in the playoffs so I got in touch with Supa Chocolate, one of my Myspace Honnies, to meet us up here.
(Coach)--How do you remember that with all the pot your smokin?
(Bukner)--Think of how smart I would have been. If I didn't smoke pot, and hadn't been a defensive lineman. Don't forget the press conference earlier today where you were supposed to be congradulating high school varsity athletes with 4.0 GPA's and you stopped at the fat kid and said you were done. That even hurt my feelings a little bit.
(Coach)--You've got to remember, Bukner, when I talk about minorities, fat people, pot smokers, or lazy assholes, your the exception to the rule. You are a good driver, after all.
(Bukner)--What would you do if I stopped driving you around? WHOA! Did you see that?
(Coach)--I know, I know, I lit this blunt in here. No one's here. It's fucking Arena League Football. It's like Women's Basketball crossed with racquetball.
(Bukner)--No, The Kid, he just caught another touchdown. That's two just since you stopped being blacked out.
(Coach)--Why are we here again? This game just makes me angry. What about the great defensive stands? What about field goals, punting, and rushing plays? Oh my god it's like watching a porno of Designing Women. See, the other team already scored another touchdown. What's the point?
(Bukner)--Now watch #12 of the Cleveland team. That's the kid I've been talking about. Remember how I am registered as a Sports Agent?
(Coach)--Didn't we pull that scam to get into the Espy's a couple years ago?
(Bukner)--Yeah. And then I had to headlock Drew Rosenhaus and I think I kicked Kate Blanchette in the head.
(Coach)--I sure wish Vince Lombardi's widow was still around....She needs a good kick to the head.....FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK! GOD DAMN I HATE BERNIE KOSAR! Now I remember why we are here! Fuck! Where is he at?? That motherfucker lost to fucking goddamn Doug Flutie the fucking football throwing midget back in 1984. Do you know how much money I lost on that game? Do you know how much I was destined to be the next head coach of Miami---even after the Sugar Bowl incident--if it wasn't for that chocking bastard. I wanna tear him apart. You know I was banned from the Hurricane practice facillities all the way until April of the next year after Bernie Kosar pulled his NFL Draft hyjinks and somehow thought he came out on top going to The Browns. That was when I knew Fate was real.
(Bukner)--I think that's him, the old guy with the headphones on down by the hometeam endzone.
{Bukner restraining Coach}
(Coach)--Let go of me goddamn it! I wanna sock that son of a bitch in the mouth like I did Vince Lombardi's widow at the 1972 Sugar Bowl.
(Bukner)--I will buy you an entire case of beer as soon as I can talk to The Kid. As soon as I get to talk to him then you can kick the living shit out of Bernie Kosar. I'll bail you out again for the second time in a week if I need to. But first let me talk to The Kid. I'm working on a plan. What I'm thinking is now that I have discovered some undiscovered talent, we can both get back into the NFL. Have you ever seen the movie "Kingpin". Just like that.
(Coach)--You know the only movie I watch is "The Longest Yard". With Burt Reynolds as the star, not that pussy Adam Sandler. I think he is jewish, for god's sake. Everyone knows Jews don't play football.....
(Bukner)--See, what had you messed up in the NFL was the ban from Missouri--what, with the St. Louis Rams and all--but now its the best league FOR you to coach in again....
(Coach)--I don't know. Is Art Shell still alive?
(Bukner)--Either he is, or they pretend that he is, like propping him up and doing ventrilliquism, like "Weekend at Bernies".
(Coach)--FUCK BERNIE KOSAR!
(Bukner)--Coach, settle down, that security guard is looking at us kinda funny. I'm going to sneak down near the bench and see if I can talk to The Kid in between possessions.
(Coach)--NITELITE!!! What's The Kid's name?
(Bukner)--something Hymes.
(Coach)--Lets call him.....Minnesota.
(Bukner)--Why?
(Coach)--It's better than Indiana.
(Bukner)--You better not let Bob hear you say that?
(Coach)--Where is he?
(Bukner)--We lost him after he tried to chase down that kid on the bike. I don't know what happened. I've been checking ESPN off and on to try and figure it out....
(Coach)--Well hurry up and do your thing, I'm sick of waiting.
(Bukner)--Just drink the rest of the beers and get some more if I'm not back before they stop selling them at the beginnning of the 4th quarter.
Bukner sneaks down past all the empty seats to stand just behind "Minnesota" Hymes as the Gladiator offense watched the Predator offense throw hail mary after hail mary. It was still the 3rd quarter, and they were ahead. Coach almost vomited in his seat, both from alcohol and the absurdity of it all.
(Bukner)--Psst. Psst. Hey. You. #12. HYMES!
{finally Hymes turns around}
(Bukner)--Do you wanna play REAL football? I mean, in the NFL?
(Hymes)--Who are you, mister? I don't need to get caught up in nothing shady.
(Bukner)--I'm a sports agent.
(Hymes)--Oh, that's okay, I thought you were with those Italian guys trying to get us to throw the game.
(Bukner)--Me and Coach can get you into the NFL.
(Hymes)--Coach who?
(Bukner)--That's not important right now. Do you remember the 1972 Sugar Bowl?
(Hymes)--No...
(Bukner)--Forget it, you'll know soon enough....Anyways, if you're interested, come to the Travel Lodge down by the highway. When you get to it turn left. You'll pass a Super-8, a Motel 7, and the 666 Lounge. The very next apartment complex is where you turn right, then two quick lefts back to back. Then stop. Turn off your lights. Turn them back on three times. Then turn them back off. A girl named Supa Chocolate will come down to your car and just tell her you need to know where Coach and Bukner are at. I'm Bukner.
(Hymes)--I'll try and remember all that, but I am still in the middle of a playoff game here.
(Bukner)--Forget this garbage. You'll be playing on a full-sized field with full-sized players soon enough. {Bukner looks back to see Coach in the middle of a heap of security guards and batons}Plus I think we are about to have to go....
Minnesota Hymes
Coach and Bukner find themselves sitting in the stands at the Orlando Predators versus the Cleveland Gladiators wildcard game in the Arena League Football Playoffs. The game is already started, and the beers have been flowing for a while.
(Coach)--Look at those assholes run around. I can't believe we don't see any ball control offense in this mutt of a game.
(Bukner)--I know coach, it makes me sad to think a fat boy like me has no use in this league.
(Coach)--We didn't have much use for you in the other league, anyways.
(Bukner)--I did, however, win the National Championship with Coach Saban....
(Coach)--NITELITE!!!!! I told you to stop bringing that up. That was a SPLIT National Championship, if I remember correctly, so you fukers only won HALF a National Championship....
(Bukner)--Whoa, did you see that??
(Coach)--I'm sorry, I didn't mean to spill that beer on you, you know I'd never waste alcohol...
(Bukner)--No, that kid, the one that just caught the touchdown.
(Coach)--Another touchdown? Don't these players ever take breaks? TV timeouts? Anything?
(Bukner)--Yeah, that's when the cheerleaders run out on the field.
(Coach)--Oh, I thought that was how first down worked in the AFL....
(Bukner)--That kid who caught the ball, he looked good. Really good. Almost too good to be here.
(Coach)--I think we are too good to be here. How did we get here anyways? Everything is sorta a blur after 3 O'clock thursday afternoon. What time is it now? Like five in the morning Sunday?
(Bukner)--No, it's six in the evening Monday.
(Coach)--Goddamn it, football season is probably right around the corner, isn't it? What month is it, May?
(Bukner)--Almost July.
(Coach)--GODDAMN FOOTBALL!!!! NITELITE!!!!! Still, I how did we get here? I thought we were in Oaklahoma celebrating the expiring of my 20 year ban from Oaklahoma and Missouri.
(Bukner)--First you got the DUI thursday afternoon. Then we got bailed out just in time to make the fishing trip with Bob Knight. Then you guys got to drinking and berating pedestrians as we drove around trying to find an all nudie strip club in Columbus, OH, and then you heard that Bernie Kosar owned an AFL team and was in the playoffs so I got in touch with Supa Chocolate, one of my Myspace Honnies, to meet us up here.
(Coach)--How do you remember that with all the pot your smokin?
(Bukner)--Think of how smart I would have been. If I didn't smoke pot, and hadn't been a defensive lineman. Don't forget the press conference earlier today where you were supposed to be congradulating high school varsity athletes with 4.0 GPA's and you stopped at the fat kid and said you were done. That even hurt my feelings a little bit.
(Coach)--You've got to remember, Bukner, when I talk about minorities, fat people, pot smokers, or lazy assholes, your the exception to the rule. You are a good driver, after all.
(Bukner)--What would you do if I stopped driving you around? WHOA! Did you see that?
(Coach)--I know, I know, I lit this blunt in here. No one's here. It's fucking Arena League Football. It's like Women's Basketball crossed with racquetball.
(Bukner)--No, The Kid, he just caught another touchdown. That's two just since you stopped being blacked out.
(Coach)--Why are we here again? This game just makes me angry. What about the great defensive stands? What about field goals, punting, and rushing plays? Oh my god it's like watching a porno of Designing Women. See, the other team already scored another touchdown. What's the point?
(Bukner)--Now watch #12 of the Cleveland team. That's the kid I've been talking about. Remember how I am registered as a Sports Agent?
(Coach)--Didn't we pull that scam to get into the Espy's a couple years ago?
(Bukner)--Yeah. And then I had to headlock Drew Rosenhaus and I think I kicked Kate Blanchette in the head.
(Coach)--I sure wish Vince Lombardi's widow was still around....She needs a good kick to the head.....FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK! GOD DAMN I HATE BERNIE KOSAR! Now I remember why we are here! Fuck! Where is he at?? That motherfucker lost to fucking goddamn Doug Flutie the fucking football throwing midget back in 1984. Do you know how much money I lost on that game? Do you know how much I was destined to be the next head coach of Miami---even after the Sugar Bowl incident--if it wasn't for that chocking bastard. I wanna tear him apart. You know I was banned from the Hurricane practice facillities all the way until April of the next year after Bernie Kosar pulled his NFL Draft hyjinks and somehow thought he came out on top going to The Browns. That was when I knew Fate was real.
(Bukner)--I think that's him, the old guy with the headphones on down by the hometeam endzone.
{Bukner restraining Coach}
(Coach)--Let go of me goddamn it! I wanna sock that son of a bitch in the mouth like I did Vince Lombardi's widow at the 1972 Sugar Bowl.
(Bukner)--I will buy you an entire case of beer as soon as I can talk to The Kid. As soon as I get to talk to him then you can kick the living shit out of Bernie Kosar. I'll bail you out again for the second time in a week if I need to. But first let me talk to The Kid. I'm working on a plan. What I'm thinking is now that I have discovered some undiscovered talent, we can both get back into the NFL. Have you ever seen the movie "Kingpin". Just like that.
(Coach)--You know the only movie I watch is "The Longest Yard". With Burt Reynolds as the star, not that pussy Adam Sandler. I think he is jewish, for god's sake. Everyone knows Jews don't play football.....
(Bukner)--See, what had you messed up in the NFL was the ban from Missouri--what, with the St. Louis Rams and all--but now its the best league FOR you to coach in again....
(Coach)--I don't know. Is Art Shell still alive?
(Bukner)--Either he is, or they pretend that he is, like propping him up and doing ventrilliquism, like "Weekend at Bernies".
(Coach)--FUCK BERNIE KOSAR!
(Bukner)--Coach, settle down, that security guard is looking at us kinda funny. I'm going to sneak down near the bench and see if I can talk to The Kid in between possessions.
(Coach)--NITELITE!!! What's The Kid's name?
(Bukner)--something Hymes.
(Coach)--Lets call him.....Minnesota.
(Bukner)--Why?
(Coach)--It's better than Indiana.
(Bukner)--You better not let Bob hear you say that?
(Coach)--Where is he?
(Bukner)--We lost him after he tried to chase down that kid on the bike. I don't know what happened. I've been checking ESPN off and on to try and figure it out....
(Coach)--Well hurry up and do your thing, I'm sick of waiting.
(Bukner)--Just drink the rest of the beers and get some more if I'm not back before they stop selling them at the beginnning of the 4th quarter.
Bukner sneaks down past all the empty seats to stand just behind "Minnesota" Hymes as the Gladiator offense watched the Predator offense throw hail mary after hail mary. It was still the 3rd quarter, and they were ahead. Coach almost vomited in his seat, both from alcohol and the absurdity of it all.
(Bukner)--Psst. Psst. Hey. You. #12. HYMES!
{finally Hymes turns around}
(Bukner)--Do you wanna play REAL football? I mean, in the NFL?
(Hymes)--Who are you, mister? I don't need to get caught up in nothing shady.
(Bukner)--I'm a sports agent.
(Hymes)--Oh, that's okay, I thought you were with those Italian guys trying to get us to throw the game.
(Bukner)--Me and Coach can get you into the NFL.
(Hymes)--Coach who?
(Bukner)--That's not important right now. Do you remember the 1972 Sugar Bowl?
(Hymes)--No...
(Bukner)--Forget it, you'll know soon enough....Anyways, if you're interested, come to the Travel Lodge down by the highway. When you get to it turn left. You'll pass a Super-8, a Motel 7, and the 666 Lounge. The very next apartment complex is where you turn right, then two quick lefts back to back. Then stop. Turn off your lights. Turn them back on three times. Then turn them back off. A girl named Supa Chocolate will come down to your car and just tell her you need to know where Coach and Bukner are at. I'm Bukner.
(Hymes)--I'll try and remember all that, but I am still in the middle of a playoff game here.
(Bukner)--Forget this garbage. You'll be playing on a full-sized field with full-sized players soon enough. {Bukner looks back to see Coach in the middle of a heap of security guards and batons}Plus I think we are about to have to go....
Minnesota Hymes
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