Week 1 SEC Round-up

Week 1 Southeastern Conference Round-up and Results
for 24-Hours of Propaganda


Week 1 was a dominant one for the SEC, against many lesser opponents, but including at least two major upsets and the Tennessee loss to UCLA. 10-2 Overall for the SEC for the week....

[W] Vanderbilt 34 at Miami (OH) 13--Miami (OH) came in with 17 returning starters, Vanderbilt with 3. Vandy came home with the decisive win 34-13. Good job Calculators!

[W] North Carolina State 10 at South Carolina 34--The Ol' Ball Coach's team came in and played hellacious defense, and marginal offense for much of the game before really breaking out late. The Gamecocks play defense so intensely they can often be mistaked for the offense on the field. NC State was ran over.

[L]Appalachin State 13 at LSU 41--I had counted on Les Miles' lack of recruiting prowess and/or game preparation to allow Appalachin State to bring their A game and take them out. I was wrong.

[W] Georgia Southern 21 at Georgia 45--How did Georgia Southern score 21 points at all? Was it against Georgia second and third stringers? I hope so for their sake.

[W] Hawaii 10 at Florida 56--Gone is June Jones and gone is winning in Hawaii. Tim Tebow is alive, which means your gonna have to bring one hell of an army to take him out. He is like Jesus and the Ark of The Covenant in one.

[L]Mississippi State 14 at Louisiana Tech 22--Did Sylvester Croom sleep through this game? Did he forget to show up? It wasn't on television and hasn't been replayed on CSS yet that I could catch, but my assumption is for some reason he didn't make it to the game on time if at all. That is the only way this could have happened.

[W] University of Louisiana-Monroe 0 at Auburn 34--Auburn posted the only defensive shutout of the week, but Tony Franklin's Undefeatable Patented Offense© failed to impress. 91.1 WEGL Sports Analyst Steven Peters on the Auburn performance, "The offense looked really sloppy. I mean, neither of the quarterbacks looked good at all, and it was like they would run the same play over and over until they got what they wanted from it. I'd say they ran maybe six plays all night. On the other hand, the defense played good, and maybe that is the one thing that can keep Auburn in games until the offense clicks, if it ever does."
Fans, apparently, who went to the game or paid $30 for it on pay-per-view may be throwing themselves out of windows because their quarterbacks couldn't throw a tantrum and their receivers couldn't catch a cold.Tuberville needs to find a quarterback, quick.

[W] Memphis 24 at Ole Miss 41--Houston Nutt does his best imatation of a woodshed beating in his first game out with The Rebels.

[W] Western Illinois 24 at Arkansas 28--Come on Bobby...It's only running the score up if you don't let them score every other possession. The people wanting to write you future checks were wanting at least 63. That's a few million dollars you just lost down the road. Take that to the bank and cash it. Are you about to become the doormat of the SEC again Arkansas?

[L]Alabama 34 at Clemson 10--

Tommy Bowden, in what is being described by some as "the worst display of poor coaching and team morale that we have ever witnessed in competitive sports" got destroyed by Alabama on National Television.

It appeared as though only the Clemson practice team had been able to make the long and perilous journey to the Georgia Dome.

Kirk Herbstreit, in the beginning of the fourth quarter, said "I'm not so concerned about the loss going on on the field right now--you win some and you lost some. I'm worried about the looks on the faces of the coaches and players when they are looking at each other." I was wrong in supposing that Bowden and his heralded "best team in the ACC" could pull off a "miracle win" against a middle of the pack SEC team. Nick NITELITE Saban, on the other hand, comes out looking exactly like what his recent star power and icon status in the history of human athletics promised us that we could expect, a year or two down the road. It may be a few more tests before people are ready to really accept that Alabama is back, but it makes good watercooler talk for now.

After Bowden’s Clemson Tigers got rolled by Nick Saban’s Crimson Tide 34-10 on Saturday, Bowden called Saban for advice: “As I talked to coach Saban, I said, ‘I’m not one to have enough pride where I’ve got all the answers. I see you got six months to study me, a guy like you, what did you see?” Bowden said Tuesday.
Saban also spoke with his father, Florida State coach Bobby Bowden; Georgia coach Mark Richt and Virginia Tech coach Frank Beamer about how the Tigers would recover from the embarassment at the Georgia Dome.
There was one other one he should have made. To his brother Terry, to find out what it's like in those final hours before you are forcibly ran out of town. Make a game plan now buddy, better than the one you made for last Saturday Night.

Coach's indignation for Bowden grows steadily each day, his most Bowden inspired rant describing what he would have done if he were Bowden immediately after the football game, if Bowden in fact cared about winning or losing which no one can absolutely believe with any sort of real certainty right now. “I hope everyone in here is proud of themselves, because with your play tonight you have embarrassed your university, your families, our great fans, yourselves, and most troubling now for everyone football player in this room, you embarrassed me and this coaching staff. This Clemson team, your team, looked like it didn’t even care that they were getting whipped by Alabama, and that you didn’t show up to play this game tonight means that I did a terrible job of getting you prepared to play this game. Yes, that is my fault, because I failed somewhere along the way in identifying the players in this room that really wanted to play football at Clemson. In a few minutes, yes, I said in a few minutes, we are going to find out who does and who does not want to play football for this team and represent Clemson University. I have spoken with the management folks here at the Georgia Dome, and they have allowed us to use their field for a little while longer tonight. Don’t worry about taking a shower, and go ahead and change into the PT gear and tennis shoes that the managers are now handing out (A good coach always carries PT gear and tennis shoes for every player on road trips). Once everyone gets changed, we are going back out on that field, and we are going to find out who are the winners and who are the losers on this football team. You see, after watching this team play against Alabama tonight, I am convinced that we have a lot of losers on this team that will just lay down and QUIT when they are challenged. OK, you are really about to get challenged, so go ahead and get changed and let’s get back out on the field.”

Coach then went on to explain, "The clock is now ticking on the Tommy Bowden era at Clemson. The Clemson fans are fed up with the mediocrity that has been allowed to exist at Clemson in the Bowden era, and the debacle against Alabama has only inflamed the Tiger fan base and puts Tommy Bowden in a very perilous situation. Tommy Bowden is now coaching the rest of the 2008 season for his job. The mark that Bowden has to get into in terms of number of wins for 2008 is 8 wins. Anything less than 8 wins by Tommy Bowden in 2008, and the Tommy Bowden era is OVER at Clemson. Tommy Bowden is not only coaching for his job, but if he does not get to 8 wins in 2008, Clemson AD Terry Don Phillips will find himself out of a job as well. Let’s just be very clear about the Alabama game: Alabama came out and smashed Clemson in the mouth, and the Clemson players QUIT on Tommy Bowden. This is not the first time the Clemson players have QUIT on Tommy Bowden, and it will not be the last. Bowden entered the game against Alabama with four times the talent and four times the experience of the Tide, and the Tigers got their ass handed to them. For some reason, Tommy Bowden believes that he can continue to put mediocre and underperforming teams onto the field at Clemson and keep his job, but make no doubt about it, Tommy Bowden is now fighting for his coaching career. Luckily for Bowden, he is not coaching in the SEC, or it would already be “turn out the lights the party is over.” In the ACC, a high school team could put up a .500 record in the conference, so let’s see just see what Bowden and Clemson can do ‘08. More importantly, let’s see if the Clemson players QUIT on Tommy Bowden again this season. If they do, Bowden should be fired on the spot."

[L]Kentucky 27 at Louisville 2--My luck for picking an SEC to go down out of conference. Kentucky is ranked 11th in the nation in the Sagarin computer ratings.

[W]Tenn 24 at UCLA 27--As I expected, Tennessee would choke.They would choke after having a sizeable lead. They would choke because it doesn't take anyone more knowledgeable than an 8 year old who is fairly familiar with NCAA Football 2001+ on any console or computer system to outcoach Fat Phil Fulmer and his antiquidated model of what he thinks it takes to make a winning football team. Being a fat idiot so enamored with Jimmy Clausen's fickle affections for so long he forgot there are at least 25 other important positions to recruit. Is anyone now confused why all of the state of Tennessee's really good talent goes elsewhere? For the second year in a row Fat Phil Fulmer has been the SEC's sacrifice to the PAC-10.

Tennessee loses in Overtime to UCLA, Phillip Fulmer Dazed and Confused, Slick Rick is Back!

Tennessee loses in Overtime to UCLA, Phillip Fulmer Dazed and Confused, Slick Rick is Back!
for Gods Among Men: Coaches and Coordinators in the SEC


it always feels good to beat Tennessee

The Rick Neuheisel era in UCLA is off to a dramatic start with a 27-24 victory in overtime versus 18th-ranked Tennessee. Quarterback Kevin Craft rebounded from what many would consider the nightmare of quarterbacking, a first half with four interceptions, to lead a miraculous come from behind victory. The Tennessee Volunteers went into halftime up 14-7, but during the second half excellent play by UCLA's quarterback and defense kept them in the game and pulled them away from the under-inspired Tennessee team. Tennessee had hoped to rebound from a 45-31 losing performance against California the year before, but failed to live up to advance billing.

Tennessee represented The SEC, who came into the game as the defending national champion conference with a 10-1 mark on opening weekend. The sole loser from the SEC before Monday Night's game was Mississippi State at Louisiana Tech, with Sylvester Croom's crew losing unceremoniously and unexpectedly. UCLA represented the PAC-10 in this showdown, which was 6-3 entering the contest which also reflected two inter conference games played on the opening weekend.

Fat Phil Fulmer's team looked well prepared in the first half, and Jonathan Crompton, Tennessee's oft-injured quarterback in his first starting action, played well throughout. UCLA quarterback Kevin Craft, on the other hand, threw 4 interceptions--the first two coming on sequential plays--in the first half and had he not already been the third-string starter without replacement he would have likely been benched somewhere between interceptions two and four.

Instead, when asked if he considered giving the quarterback the hook at halftime, Neuheisel said, “I told Craft that I threw four interceptions in my first start, but (Coach) Terry Donahue waited until the third game before he pulled me.”

Craft, who started five games at San Diego State in 2006, became the UCLA starter after Patrick Cowan went out for the year with a knee injury in spring practice, and backup Ben Olson broke a bone in his right foot in practice on August.

A good deal of press had gone into UCLA declaring to USC, the perennial PAC-10 powerhouse that dominates in the polls, BCS rankings, and millions of fans worldwide, that their reign was coming to an end, presumably because they, UCLA, were going to magically become good overnight. Every match-up between SEC and PAC-10 teams draws a great deal of attention, and last year Tennessee went down in the season opener to California.

What about this new guy Neuheisel? "Every sign points to falling in love with him," says analyst Larry Brown, "I’m not. I see a disingenuous snake creating something too good to be true. I’m guessing the joy of this win won’t be felt in five years when the program’s on probation."

The UCLA Bruins seemingly made adjustments well throughout the game, whereas Tennessee never seemed to alter it's offensive or defensive schemes. Besides injuries, general fatigue and cramps seemed to hamper the UCLA Bruins worse than the Tennessee Volunteers, who are used to playing at a much higher elevation. This could be a concern for UCLA when they have to start playing the likes of cross-town rival USC, or a few of the other speedy PAC-10 teams.

As expected, Tennessee special teams suffered from the loss of veteran punter and star athlete Britton Colquitt. A blocked punt resulted in UCLA's first touchdown, and in the moment, a seeming shift in momentum that petered out well before halftime with little result.

The difference between a first and third string starter at quarterback was immediately obvious, with all three of UCLA's opening possessions ending with long interceptions. Three of Craft's four interceptions were thrown right at defenders, beautifully arched and placed balls, lofted, and straight into the hands of opposing players--Rex Grossman ("As long as someone catches the ball, it is not a wasted effort") would have been proud. Jonathan Crompton, who was noticeably held together with what must have been a hectare of medical tape, performed serviceably throughout the game, countering concerns about his toughness and durability.


"...if we can hit field goals like Alabama, we can beat anybody..."

The kicking game lost the game for the Tennessee Volunteers, more than any other single component. Crompton was competent, Arian Foster was dazzling in flashes, and the Tennessee defensive backfield shut down the UCLA passing game almost completely until the fourth quarter.

“They were crying about the quarterback situation; I knew darn well they’d be ready for us,” Fulmer said. “We made enough mistakes tonight to fill three or four games. We will play better teams than UCLA is, and I know we’re a better team than we were tonight.”

“It was just a matter of settling down,” Craft said. “I wasn’t nervous at all. I just wasn’t in a good rhythm. In the second half, I found it.”

Fulmer was impressed, saying, “The kid (Craft) is a coach’s son, a very talented young man. He throws the ball extremely well. He threw four picks in the first half, but it didn’t seem to faze him. He just executed very well in the second half.”

Gone is the time that the Tennessee Volunteers can count on Britton Colquitt to pin the opponent precariously near their own goal line. Or at least for four more games, at least one of which, given Monday's result, is an absolute must win for Fat Phil Fulmer. In two weeks Florida travels to Knoxville, and a loss to the Gators could make it impossible for Fulmer to fulfill his contractual obligations in only his first year of the extension.

"Yes, the UCLA-Tennessee game could have gone either way," Coach said, "but it went against the Vols in overtime, and that loss to the Bruins raises some serious questions about Fulmer, with the most serious being: How can a head coach in his seventeenth year at the helm of a top SEC team (Phil Fulmer), lose to a coach that was tossed out of the game of college football just a few years ago (Rick Neuheisel), and took over an UCLA football program that was on the verge of disappearing from the Pac-10? Answer: There is no legitimate answer to that question, and that is why Phil Fulmer finds himself right back on the Hot Seat! Tennessee was breaking in a new QB and offensive coordinator, but it was the Tennessee defense that let the team down in the fourth quarter, when they could not stop a third-string QB and a banged-up UCLA offense."

Coach added, "Phil Fulmer and his staff got out-coached on a beautiful night in the Rose Bowl, and that has become an all too familiar story in recent years in Knoxville, and that means the pressure is going to very high and intense as the Vols look ahead to a “MUST-WIN” game against Florida in two weeks. Welcome back to the Hot Seat Phil Fulmer! As tough as the SEC is these days, it is going be damn hard to get off of the Hot Seat this time."

"If there was even a shred of doubt that UT will never return to football prominence under Phil Fulmer, it was completely obliterated last night." said one Tennessee fan after the game.

In rare form, Coach had this praise to add, "Congratulations to Rick Neuheisel for a nice win in his opening game at UCLA. One really wonders what UCLA would have done to Tennessee if they had been able to play the 10 or so starters that got injured in fall camp and in the first quarter of Monday night’s game?"


"...fuck you Fat Phil, I hate you too...."

Both offenses were pitiful and out of rhythm in the first half, with Craft having a particularly miserable time, going 7-of-18. Crompton did have 119 yards passing by halftime, going 11-of-23, with one interception. Lincoln was short on two field goal tries in the opening half, from 51 yards in the first quarter and 55 in the second. UCLA did not play spectacularly until the flourish of it's final game lead-taking drive in regulation, but what they proved was that it does not take even a marginally good team to beat Tennessee on any given day of the week. Kevin Craft was originally listed as the third quarterback on the Bruin's depth chart before injuries took their toll on the Bruins this August, and the trend continued at game time to such an extent that by the end of the first half the Bruins were missing seemingly half of their team. Craft was numerically, definitely, irreplaceable, and one wonders the veracity of the story Slick Rick Neuheisel told coming out of the locker room to start the second half, and what effect it may have had in bolstering Craft's confidence. Craft came out in the second half an entirely different player, throwing far less interceptions and completing way more passes to his own players.

Along with a new quarterback, each team was beginning its first season with a new offensive coordinator, Norm Chow at UCLA and Dave Clawson with the Volunteers.

The Bruins, plagued by quarterback injuries, went 6-7 last year before firing Karl Dorrell and bringing back their prodigal son. Neuheisel is a former UCLA quarterback, 1984 Rose Bowl MVP, and former PAC-10 coach who was literally disbarred from college coaching in 2003. Rick Neuheisel earned the nickname Slick Rick for his well-documented recruiting violations at Colorado and Washington, leaving both schools on probation after his departure. It would require going into too much detail describing here all at least 80+ NCAA official allegations of recruiting improprieties, ethics violations, witness tampering, illegal interstate commerce, wire fraud, gambling, and other lesser crimes and misdemeanors previously linked to Rick Neuheisel.

"It's good to be back at UCLA, baby," Neuheisel declared loudly via Jumbotron in a speech that took place as devastated Tennessee players, coaches, and personnel vacated the increasingly threatening environment. Coach Fulmer declined to be interviewed by ESPN's Erin Andrews and sulked into the locker room as quickly as possible. With the pomp and ceremony taking place in the Rose Bowl, it would seem that Neuheisel was The Coming of the Mechanical Christ. "We talked to this team all along about being relentlessly positive..."


"...all behold the New God Krishna..."

"we will follow you to hell Mechanical Christ!"