Monday, August 25, 2008

My Picks for Week 1 of SEC Action

My Picks for Week 1 of SEC Action
for 24-Hours of Propaganda

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Vanderbilt (0-0)
Miami Oh (0-0)

7:30 PM VANDY: 91% My pick: Vanderbilt. Only because I want them to win. I generally want every SEC team to win every out of conference game.

NC State (0-0)
S Carolina (0-0)

8:00 PM USC: 87% My pick: South Carolina. Spurrier should have an ingenious game plan drawn up, and even if he does end up going with the punter at quarterback the Wolfpack will go down. I expect to see The Visor be thrown about five minutes before halftime, and again in the middle of the third quarter, after which it may not be put back on. For Blake Mitchell the Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome will finally start wearing off, and he may be able to sleep a whole night and know that Spurrier will not be sending him random football related txt messages late in the night and early in the morning, tormenting him.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Ga Southern (0-0)
Georgia (0-0)

12:30 PM UGA: 99%. My Pick: UGA. Georgia Southern suspending something on the upwards of 8 players for this game ensures that UGA will have to try hard not to go over the 90 point spread. I think The Spread is going to be more than The Over.

Hawaii (0-0)
Florida (0-0)

12:30 PM UF: 97% My Pick: Florida. Apparently 97% of people agree. The other three percent live in Hawaii. They'd have a strong case if they still had Colt Brennan, who has looked fantastic for the Redskins in the preseason.

Appalachian St (0-0)
LSU (0-0)

5:00 PM LSU: 96% My Pick: Appalachian State. I am of the 4% who remember the first week of the season last year, and Appalachian State upsetting Michigan in "the biggest upset in sporting history" (before the Super Bowl in February). Not only that, but I remember that their quarterback ran for and passed for 17 touchdowns last year running the Spread Offense. I have also heard rumors that in Division II (now referred to by the NCAA as "football championship subdivision") they actually have a football playoff, and somehow, by some sort of weird Division II magic, play to determine the National Title, without an ensuing loss of academic integrity or sheer anarchy that would happen if we were to do that in Division I (now referred to by the NCAA as "football bowl subdivision"). Ironically, the Appalachain State Mountaineers are the three-time defending Division II (FCS) National Champion. This matchup will be the first time that the defending Div I (FBS) and Div II (FCS) champions will meet on the field. My decision goes based almost entirely on the two sets of QB stories behind the teams. ASU's junior quarterback, Armanti Edwards, is probably already the most successful quarterback in FCS history. He is a top-notch dual threat and one of only six players in history to pass for 2,000 yards and rush for 1,000 yards in a season, and was just 52 yards short of duplicating the feat despite missing significant time. Edwards is coming into his junior season as ASU’s all-time leader in total offense (266.9 ypg) and rushing (106.1 ypg) per game with a 22-2 career record as a starter. LSU is still trying to choose between the kid from Harvard (Hatch) or the redshirt freshman (Lee). I usually pick an underdog, and this would be a nice one to see even if it is an SEC team going down out of conference. It's especially fitting that losing this game will be the first purely "Les Miles Recruited" team.

Mississippi St (0-0)
LA Tech (0-0)

6:45 PM MSU: 95% My Pick: Mississippi State. Because this is one of the games even they can count on to win.

Ul Monroe (0-0)
Auburn (0-0)

7:00 PM AUB: 98% My Pick: Auburn. ULM is not nearly the powerhouse DIV II team that App State is, no matter what Alabama fans say about it.

Memphis (0-0)
Ole Miss (0-0)

7:00 PM MISS: 86% My Pick: Ole Miss. Memphis might be one of those sneaky mid-south, mid-level teams that sometimes, out of no where, has good years. But if there is anyone in the world who knows The Art of War, and by following this, knows every single facet and fact of every single player and coach of Memphis, it is Houston Nutt, who has been delving into pagen idolotry and voodoo recently in his search for the secret of winning. Very few people are allowed to talk to him directly, and when they do, he mostly quotes Hamlet and talks about "collateral damage". Most of his players have been scared shitless of him for weeks.

Westrn Illinois (0-0)
Arkansas (0-0)

7:00 PM ARK: 98% My Pick: Arkansas. It's a contract year for Bobby Petrino. It's always a contract year for Bobby Petrino. And in a contract year, you always do your best to run up the score on the high school teams you play. Petrino doesn't even bother to learn his own players names anymore, he knows it might be a whole new team and a whole new league just as likely next week so why get attached to anything?

Alabama (0-0)
Clemson (0-0)

8:00 PM BAMA: 53% My Pick: Clemson. I've got a couple names for you. CJ Spiller and James Davis. They are about to open a can of whoop-ass on Alabama the likes of which has not been seen in a long time. I predict about 250 yards of rushing offense for the Clemson "Snooty" Tigers. You know how all the teams look really bad tackling the first game of the year? Alabama will look like that times 10. The Tide will score enough to hang with Clemson most of the game, but in the fourth quarter Clemson's experience will overwhelm the "Freshman Tide" crusading Nick NITELITE Saban has assembled. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that freshman-phenom Julio Jones will not catch 20 balls and score 20 touchdowns in his first game. If he did, then Alabama would probably win, so I can see why a lot of people expect them to win. But he won't, so neither will they.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Kentucky (0-0)
Louisville (0-0)

3:30 PM UK: 57% My Pick: Louisville. Louisville lacks Brian Brohm. Kentucky lacks Andre Woodson. Andre Woodson is mostly the only reason Kentucky did that most unlikely thing, and by that I mean win footballs games, last year.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Tennessee (0-0)
UCLA (0-0)

8:00 PM TENN: 81% My Pick: UCLA. I want to go on the record and say that I hate the PAC-10 more than I hate Fat Phil Fulmer. As hard as this will seem to be to believe, it is absolutely true. So for the second time in two years I will have to root for a Fal Phil led motley-crew against a supposed PAC-10 "powerhouse". I will WANT Tennessee to win. I will root for their idiotic quarterbacks and lackasadaisal recievers. I will be mesmorized for moments by the abilities of Arian Foster. I will pull for the humanitarian story of returning safety Demetrice Morley, who after being dismissed from the team spent time living in his car. I will root for Tennessee to win, and they will no doubt lose. Probably lose embarassingly big. Colquitt, the punter and sadly probably their best player, is suspended for this and four more games after off-field incidents, so the one thing Tennessee can do better than anyone, punt, is also going to be a question mark for this big orange blob of a question mark. Mostly always injured Jonathan Crompton looks to take over the duties of departed Erik Ainge when enough duct tape can be procured to hold him together.