Friday, August 29, 2008

Les Miles, Incredibly Big Douchebag

Les Miles, Incredibly Big Douchebag
for Gods Among Men: Coaches and Coordinators in the SEC

Les Miles, confused, trying to figure out what that thing with the blinky lights and numbers is doing up in the rafters.

Just as our anti-hero Nick NITELITE Saban refuses to say his successor in LSU's name, so have my friends and I avoided saying the name "Les Miles". There are a lot of reasons, and most of them are related to the fact that he is one of the biggest douchebags in the whole world. I have tried Law and Order: Heinous Crimes Unit-style to reproduce the strange timeline of how Les Miles got destroyed by his rival Oklahoma when coaching Oklahoma State to such a degree that it has been referred to variously, especially pre-Michigan vs. Appalachian State 2007, as one of the most embarrassing losses is the history of Human Athletics, and ended up being the coach at LSU, but have not been able to unravel such twists of fortune yet.

What I can do, however, is make a very detailed top 10 list of the biggest reasons Les Miles has, until now, not been worthy of proper-name reference and why we like to call him "The Incredibly Big Douchebag".

10. "I'm not sure that we could have beaten Oklahoma on that day," Les Miles said two days after his Cowboys were routed, 52-9, by the top-ranked Sooners, November 1, 2003. By that he doesn't mean "I didn't have the right players", because he did. By that he didn't mean that the fans weren't behind his team, because they were. What he meant was that he was too stupid to work hard enough on a game plan to beat arch-rival Oklahoma. "(Saturday) was Oklahoma's day. Frankly, there's no excuses. Certainly we'd have liked to made a better showing for ourselves than we did."

Les Miles wasn't sure that his over matched team could have done even that against the Sooners, and that's why a humiliating loss hurts even worse. His players disagreed.

"The feeling of losing is horrible in general," receiver D'Juan Woods said. "We put a lot into the game."

But you know who didn't? Les Miles.

9. During LSU's "Recruiting Bash" on National Signing Day in February 2007, Les Miles said, referring to recruits: “So five from Texas. We took four from Florida. We took two from Alabama. You bet you’re ass We’re looking forward to playing Florida. We’re looking forward to playing Auburn, but we have a new rival in fucking Alabama.”

Which was fine. We all agree. Nitelite agrees. Everyone agrees. If you say, "Fuck you Nick Saban," Nitelite says, "Fuck you" back. It's how the trash talking works. Trash talking sells newspapers and advertising on your weekly radio show. We are down.

What DOESN'T sell newspapers or advertising on radio shows is APOLOGIZING for the shit every time you open your mouth about Alabama or Nick Saban for the rest of your life. Guess what, we hate you too. It's like the kind of hate you have for your new girlfriend's old boyfriends, it's pointless and often sent into some futile void. Don't be a grown up and pretend like it doesn't exist. It is your right to hate Nick NITELITE Saban. By being a wimpy bitch about it, you are most certainly a doucebag.

8. Les Miles famously never plays in the celebrity golf tournaments versus Nitelite, Spurrier, and The Crew. He used to pretend it was because he was too hard at work "coaching". We know now that to be a bunch of bullshit. By "we know that now" I am considering the fact that LSU is gonna get their bell rung by Appalachian State. When Les Miles cries after the game, that will be the 11th reason he is the world's biggest douchebag. The experience will make him spiritually closer to his most beloved alma mater Michigan, who endured a similar trouncing last year.

7. Les Miles often cites the bullshit coaches he used to run around with up North, and then sneak in names of other coaches who in real life wouldn't give him the time of day. There is a reason none of the other SEC coaches ever talk about him. Refer back to number's 8-9.

6. Les Miles is known for wearing a clownishly big trucker's cap on top of his ridiculously Napoleonic frame. Douchebag. A panama hat worked perfect for Nitelite down on the bayou. The only person saying you can't copy him is you. YOU are the one with all these emotional hangups about Nick NITELITE Saban, not him. He can't even remember your fucking name. He just remembers you talked the tiniest amount of shit one time and have back peddled every since. To him you are a receding spot on the horizon. When he hears "Comfortably Numb" he thinks of you. And once you go back to the Big 10, we will all soon forget you.

6.5. Les Miles ditched his high school date to the junior prom so that he could go with another girl. Kept calling the other girl's house all night telling her that he would be there soon to pick her up. She waited all night and got made up and ready for nothing. Douchebag.

5. Every time Coach Les "Mad Hater" Miles loses he uses the whole "I can't believe we didn't lose worse" ploy. That is the biggest head coach douchebag excuse ever devised by man.

4. Les Miles Pretends to be down with rap music. He isn't down.

3. Les Miles voted for President Bush. I can see the similarities, both are douchebags given to losing really big games. They are also similar in that they do things the simplest, easiest, laziest way possible. There is a big reason why LSU is known to be the worst conditioned team in the SEC. They bog down in Death Valley worse than the away team almost every single game.

2.5. Les Miles continues to use the term "The Superbowl of College Football" whenever he mentions to anyone how he won the national championship himself, personally, last year. It is grating the nerves of every single person in his life. And he never stops mentioning how he won "The Superbowl of College Football" all day long--when he isn't sleeping--but while he is eating, drinking, or lackisdasially "coaching".

2. Les Miles pretends that he lost stuff in Hurricane Katrina to people that don't know any better.

1. The "Mad Hater" let Rick Clausen school him in September 2005 LSU vs. Tennessee match-up. How he continued on as LSU's coach is beyond my understanding. Letting Rick Clausen school you is grounds for losing your US Citizenship, and also a blanket exemption from purgatory if you kill yourself.


"They’re going to play real knockdown, drag-outs with UCLA and Washington, Cal-Berkeley, Stanford — some real juggernauts....And they’re going to end up, it would be my guess, in some position so if they win a game or two, that they’ll end up in the title (game). I would like that path for us."
--Les Miles, 2007 SEC Media Days. The PAC-10 has had him on their target ever since, including using their votes to help propel Ohio State--Les Miles' personal arch-rival considering his life-long Michigan leanings and affiliation--into the National Title game once USC was not going to make it.

My personal suggestion for Les Miles in reversing the media and fan perception of his being a douchebag, an apologetic non-competitive opportunist who can win only with Nick NITELITE Saban's players?

Talk more shit. Talk more shit to the PAC-10, talk more shit to the SEC, and pretend to talk shit to the Big 10 until he eventually takes the job in Michigan once Rich "I don't care what you do as long as you run it" Rodriquez flames out.