Lindsay Lohan Attacks Sarah Palin in Myspace Rant

Lindsay Lohan Attacks Sarah Palin in Myspace Rant
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Lindsay Lohan know's the world is a tough place because she has "been there".

Lindsay Lohan, one of Hollywood's best educated and most politically astute celebrities, isn't ready to jump on the Sarah Palin train just yet.

"I really cannot bite my tongue anymore when it comes to Sarah Palin," Lohan wrote on her MySpace blog Sunday. "I couldn't be more supportive of a woman in office, but let's face it, it comes down to the person, and their beliefs, male or female," Lohan said...I would have liked to have remained impartial, however I am afraid that the 'lipstick on a pig' comments will overshadow the issues and the fact that I believe Barack Obama is the best choice, in this election, for president," she added.


Lohan's life as a celebrity has perfectly conditioned her for a life in politics.

Although Lohan said she feels "it's necessary for me to clarify that I am not against Sarah Palin as a mother or woman", Lohan believes that Palin -- the Incumbent Governor of Alaska -- isn't ready to run the country.

She said, "I find it quite interesting that a woman who now is running to be second in command of the United States, only 4 years ago had aspirations to be a television anchor, which is probably all she is qualified to be...Oh, and... Hint Hint Pali Pal - Don't pose for anymore tabloid covers, you're not a celebrity, you're running for office to represent our, your, my COUNTRY!"


After a tough night discussing the "real issues" at a pro-Obama Underground Rally.

Lohan also referenced Palin's views on homosexuality.

"Is it a sin to be gay?" Lohan asked. "Should it be a sin to be straight? Or to use birth control? Or to have sex before marriage? Or even to have a child out of wedlock?...Is our country so divided that the Republicans best hope is a narrow minded, media obsessed homophobe?"

In conclusion, Lohan cited an Associated Press story reporting that Palin's church advocates a conference about prayer curing homosexuality. Wrote Lohan: "Palin's Desire to "save and convert the gays" - really??"


It would be a travesty for all humanity if DJ Ronson was barred from ever coming back to America.

DJ Samantha Ronson--Lohan's reputed homosexual lover--also chimed in.

"Vote for obama!" Ronson wrote. "Mainly because if she gets elected my green card probably won't get renewed!!!"

Week 1 SEC Round-up

Week 1 Southeastern Conference Round-up and Results
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Week 1 was a dominant one for the SEC, against many lesser opponents, but including at least two major upsets and the Tennessee loss to UCLA. 10-2 Overall for the SEC for the week....

[W] Vanderbilt 34 at Miami (OH) 13--Miami (OH) came in with 17 returning starters, Vanderbilt with 3. Vandy came home with the decisive win 34-13. Good job Calculators!

[W] North Carolina State 10 at South Carolina 34--The Ol' Ball Coach's team came in and played hellacious defense, and marginal offense for much of the game before really breaking out late. The Gamecocks play defense so intensely they can often be mistaked for the offense on the field. NC State was ran over.

[L]Appalachin State 13 at LSU 41--I had counted on Les Miles' lack of recruiting prowess and/or game preparation to allow Appalachin State to bring their A game and take them out. I was wrong.

[W] Georgia Southern 21 at Georgia 45--How did Georgia Southern score 21 points at all? Was it against Georgia second and third stringers? I hope so for their sake.

[W] Hawaii 10 at Florida 56--Gone is June Jones and gone is winning in Hawaii. Tim Tebow is alive, which means your gonna have to bring one hell of an army to take him out. He is like Jesus and the Ark of The Covenant in one.

[L]Mississippi State 14 at Louisiana Tech 22--Did Sylvester Croom sleep through this game? Did he forget to show up? It wasn't on television and hasn't been replayed on CSS yet that I could catch, but my assumption is for some reason he didn't make it to the game on time if at all. That is the only way this could have happened.

[W] University of Louisiana-Monroe 0 at Auburn 34--Auburn posted the only defensive shutout of the week, but Tony Franklin's Undefeatable Patented Offense© failed to impress. 91.1 WEGL Sports Analyst Steven Peters on the Auburn performance, "The offense looked really sloppy. I mean, neither of the quarterbacks looked good at all, and it was like they would run the same play over and over until they got what they wanted from it. I'd say they ran maybe six plays all night. On the other hand, the defense played good, and maybe that is the one thing that can keep Auburn in games until the offense clicks, if it ever does."
Fans, apparently, who went to the game or paid $30 for it on pay-per-view may be throwing themselves out of windows because their quarterbacks couldn't throw a tantrum and their receivers couldn't catch a cold.Tuberville needs to find a quarterback, quick.

[W] Memphis 24 at Ole Miss 41--Houston Nutt does his best imatation of a woodshed beating in his first game out with The Rebels.

[W] Western Illinois 24 at Arkansas 28--Come on Bobby...It's only running the score up if you don't let them score every other possession. The people wanting to write you future checks were wanting at least 63. That's a few million dollars you just lost down the road. Take that to the bank and cash it. Are you about to become the doormat of the SEC again Arkansas?

[L]Alabama 34 at Clemson 10--

Tommy Bowden, in what is being described by some as "the worst display of poor coaching and team morale that we have ever witnessed in competitive sports" got destroyed by Alabama on National Television.

It appeared as though only the Clemson practice team had been able to make the long and perilous journey to the Georgia Dome.

Kirk Herbstreit, in the beginning of the fourth quarter, said "I'm not so concerned about the loss going on on the field right now--you win some and you lost some. I'm worried about the looks on the faces of the coaches and players when they are looking at each other." I was wrong in supposing that Bowden and his heralded "best team in the ACC" could pull off a "miracle win" against a middle of the pack SEC team. Nick NITELITE Saban, on the other hand, comes out looking exactly like what his recent star power and icon status in the history of human athletics promised us that we could expect, a year or two down the road. It may be a few more tests before people are ready to really accept that Alabama is back, but it makes good watercooler talk for now.

After Bowden’s Clemson Tigers got rolled by Nick Saban’s Crimson Tide 34-10 on Saturday, Bowden called Saban for advice: “As I talked to coach Saban, I said, ‘I’m not one to have enough pride where I’ve got all the answers. I see you got six months to study me, a guy like you, what did you see?” Bowden said Tuesday.
Saban also spoke with his father, Florida State coach Bobby Bowden; Georgia coach Mark Richt and Virginia Tech coach Frank Beamer about how the Tigers would recover from the embarassment at the Georgia Dome.
There was one other one he should have made. To his brother Terry, to find out what it's like in those final hours before you are forcibly ran out of town. Make a game plan now buddy, better than the one you made for last Saturday Night.

Coach's indignation for Bowden grows steadily each day, his most Bowden inspired rant describing what he would have done if he were Bowden immediately after the football game, if Bowden in fact cared about winning or losing which no one can absolutely believe with any sort of real certainty right now. “I hope everyone in here is proud of themselves, because with your play tonight you have embarrassed your university, your families, our great fans, yourselves, and most troubling now for everyone football player in this room, you embarrassed me and this coaching staff. This Clemson team, your team, looked like it didn’t even care that they were getting whipped by Alabama, and that you didn’t show up to play this game tonight means that I did a terrible job of getting you prepared to play this game. Yes, that is my fault, because I failed somewhere along the way in identifying the players in this room that really wanted to play football at Clemson. In a few minutes, yes, I said in a few minutes, we are going to find out who does and who does not want to play football for this team and represent Clemson University. I have spoken with the management folks here at the Georgia Dome, and they have allowed us to use their field for a little while longer tonight. Don’t worry about taking a shower, and go ahead and change into the PT gear and tennis shoes that the managers are now handing out (A good coach always carries PT gear and tennis shoes for every player on road trips). Once everyone gets changed, we are going back out on that field, and we are going to find out who are the winners and who are the losers on this football team. You see, after watching this team play against Alabama tonight, I am convinced that we have a lot of losers on this team that will just lay down and QUIT when they are challenged. OK, you are really about to get challenged, so go ahead and get changed and let’s get back out on the field.”

Coach then went on to explain, "The clock is now ticking on the Tommy Bowden era at Clemson. The Clemson fans are fed up with the mediocrity that has been allowed to exist at Clemson in the Bowden era, and the debacle against Alabama has only inflamed the Tiger fan base and puts Tommy Bowden in a very perilous situation. Tommy Bowden is now coaching the rest of the 2008 season for his job. The mark that Bowden has to get into in terms of number of wins for 2008 is 8 wins. Anything less than 8 wins by Tommy Bowden in 2008, and the Tommy Bowden era is OVER at Clemson. Tommy Bowden is not only coaching for his job, but if he does not get to 8 wins in 2008, Clemson AD Terry Don Phillips will find himself out of a job as well. Let’s just be very clear about the Alabama game: Alabama came out and smashed Clemson in the mouth, and the Clemson players QUIT on Tommy Bowden. This is not the first time the Clemson players have QUIT on Tommy Bowden, and it will not be the last. Bowden entered the game against Alabama with four times the talent and four times the experience of the Tide, and the Tigers got their ass handed to them. For some reason, Tommy Bowden believes that he can continue to put mediocre and underperforming teams onto the field at Clemson and keep his job, but make no doubt about it, Tommy Bowden is now fighting for his coaching career. Luckily for Bowden, he is not coaching in the SEC, or it would already be “turn out the lights the party is over.” In the ACC, a high school team could put up a .500 record in the conference, so let’s see just see what Bowden and Clemson can do ‘08. More importantly, let’s see if the Clemson players QUIT on Tommy Bowden again this season. If they do, Bowden should be fired on the spot."

[L]Kentucky 27 at Louisville 2--My luck for picking an SEC to go down out of conference. Kentucky is ranked 11th in the nation in the Sagarin computer ratings.

[W]Tenn 24 at UCLA 27--As I expected, Tennessee would choke.They would choke after having a sizeable lead. They would choke because it doesn't take anyone more knowledgeable than an 8 year old who is fairly familiar with NCAA Football 2001+ on any console or computer system to outcoach Fat Phil Fulmer and his antiquidated model of what he thinks it takes to make a winning football team. Being a fat idiot so enamored with Jimmy Clausen's fickle affections for so long he forgot there are at least 25 other important positions to recruit. Is anyone now confused why all of the state of Tennessee's really good talent goes elsewhere? For the second year in a row Fat Phil Fulmer has been the SEC's sacrifice to the PAC-10.

And The Envelope Is In, Sarah Palin To Be McCain's Runing Mate

And The Envelope Is In, Sarah Palin To Be McCain's Running Mate
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In one of the boldest and most brilliant moves of the entire election campaign, John McCain announced today that Sarah Palin, Alaska of Governor, is going to be his Vice-Presidential running mate.



Sarah Palin, Governor of Alaska, Republican Vice-Presidential Candidate. Hot.

John McCain makes the move in hopes of solidifying his growing base of defecting Hillary Clinton voters. Despite what Clinton has done since losing the Democratic Primary to dark horse Barack Obama, most of it publicly has been geared at receiving relief of her massive campaign debt. There has been no relief of the growing animosity between Clinton, Obama, and the battle ground of the Democratic Party.

McCain's announcement takes the wind out of the sails of the Democratic National Convention, as it had already been reported that Obama was going to go with the seasoned veteran of Joe Biden, a foreign policy expert and well-respected legislater on both sides of the aisle. Essentially, Obama took the "safe pick", letting down many of Clinton's supporters who did not realize that she would have had to turn down any interest in being Vice-President due to the invasive and rigours "vetting process" due presumptively to the shady operations of various investments involving her and her husband, former President Bill Clinton.

Look for a shaky few days as Palin's record for compromise on issues she has personal convictions on while legislating for the benefit of everyone takes time to fully surface. On the surface her issues platform may look to be diametrically opposed to that which most Clinton supporters have followed Clinton on, but the McCain Campaign will soon be able to pigeon-hole her into the niche that fills the hole in their heart after having the possibilities of 8 more years of "Clinton Utopia" snatched from their grasp by Obama, who many feel has a quickly diminishing chance of winning the election.

2008 SEC Football Preview

2008 Southeastern Conference Football Preview
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The Fear is upon us all. From Little Rock to Gainesville. It's always pretty bleak in Baton Rouge, and Nashville has never really had a reason to stop Fearing. Nick Nitelite Saban knows The Fear, and Spurrier thrives on it. Sometimes, late at night, Houston Nutt touches himself while thinking about it, and even Bobby Petrino knows you can't buy it for all the money in the world.

The Fear.

The Fear is we might suck this year. It is the secret unsaid thing in the hearts and minds of football fans all over the SEC. Really, it would be The World, but it is only here that Football replaces The Virgin Mary almost universally in the Holy Trinity. Godless California, USC, the PAC-10, these people view football season as the off-season for such manly sports as gymnastics and indoor track. Lacrosse is really big in the Northeast, and in the midwest it will always either be Hockey or Basketball season, with baseball left over for the dweebs. This is the time of year when all the sweet illusions of the off-season start to crumble. The new kid's arm ain't that good, he can't even complete a flag pass on command. The running back's knees are shot. That new coordinator is really just a media darling with no idea what to really do. Some people see the L's in their eyes when they close them at night, trying to forget them and get just one more decent night's rest before another grueling and Fearful season. Sylvester Croom only sleeps good this time of year, better than you think he should.

GEORGIA: The biggest story in Athens this off-season is the three-headed single team race for the Heisman Trophy. Everyone in the world, even Thailand, knows that its either going to come down to Tebow, or the player most instrumental in Georgia's defeat of Florida. Tebow could still win in the balloting, but a UGA win wo0uld be a handoff to either Matt Stafford, the undeafeated in four years of starting in high school quarterback and pretty much just as awesome in college quarterback, Knowshon Moreno, who is not going to be sneaking up on anyone this year and is, in fact, not the re-incarnation of Darren McFadden because Darren McFadden is, in fact, alive and playing for the Oakland Raiders this year, which is actually a fate WORSE than death but for that kind of money who cares, and Mark Richt, who is so insulated from the outside world and commonly accepted reality his inner circle's failure to tell him that he cannot in fact with the Heisman Trophy as a coach has caused many a countless hour of wasted off season time. The good thing is that UGA is so stacked that the entire first team on both sides (minus Moreno and Staff) and they would still steamroll almost anyone on their schedule. Unfortunately, this year, UGA is being served up as one of the Sacrificial Bulls for the PAC-10 to cermoniously abuse and slaughter. If Mark Richt can get his head out of his rear, maybe he can figure out a way to outcoach the Out West Vertical Offense. In the mix also is Steve Spurrier, who, as his personal mission of creating and destroying young men's lives, sees it as his duty to trounce either Tebow, Stafford, or both. He doesn't necessarily have anyone on his team, aside from an outside shot by Kenny McKinley, to WIN the Heisman, but Spurrier gets off on nothing more than being able to personally influence the race for the trophy he won back in 1966.If UGA can get through it's brutal schedule undefeated and win the perfunctory SEC Championship, then a National Title should only be one game away.

FLORIDA: The same could be said about Florida. The same could be said for a lot of places, but in Florida, this is the words on the lips of every Gator Coach, Player, and Fan. The problem for Florida's Coach is that he will never outlive the shadows of Steve Spurrier, the close proximity of the unfulfilled dreams the Miami Dolphins had about Nick Nitelite Saban's aborted tenure, Bobby Bowdens undead rotting carcass running amuck in the forests of Seminole Country inseminating bigfoots on a quest to create more Terry's and Tommy's, Larry Coker's disembodied and purgatoried spirit wandering the lonely nightime Florida coasts reliving the moment of blowing The Big Game, over and over, every two minutes until God feels he has paid for his sins. So whoever is coaching in Florida, they must surely feel good about life right now having Tim Tebow, the Greatest Football Player Ever, on their team. Think about a Mike Vick who can throw and not fight pitbulls and smoke weed at practice and on airplanes. Think about a Broadway Joe Namath for the modern generation (the one that won't remember Brett Favre in a couple years). Think about a guy who can win entire football games on his own if only you could make 10 almost as athletically talented clones of him. Archie Griffin has already ceeded his place in history as the only person to win The Heisman twice, because, unless Staff can beat him, Tebow will win it again this year. Not even a miracle season by Jimmy Clausen could stand up to the unbelieveable scary talent of Tim Tebow. Recently, the Pricipality of Dubai surrendered to UF, thinking that their odds of being able to defeat them were little to none. Dubai has yet to understand the complexities of football, unfortunately, and it may take longer than Tebow's college career for them to catch up with Syria's uniquely perceptive National Mind for our National Game. Soccar's reign as the world's most popular sport is in decline, and the NFL's global reach is rising on an average of a yearly veiwership increase of 15%. Tim Tebow was the prototypical quarterback to run the spread offense, and UF will likely rollover almost every team they play like the good ol' Spurrier Days. The secret plan of the Miami Dolphins is to throw a majority of their games until Tebow is available in the draft. They can't afford to lose another franchise player like Darren McFadden ever again, especially one Florida born, raised, and triumphant. The sadder thing is that Tebow might be destined to be the 21st Century Archie MANNING if the Dolphins evil plan comes to fruitation.

SOUTH CAROLINA: Steve Spurrier has been working a lot of overtime this summer. Not because he has to, but because he wants to. Knowing that he could be the Heisman Spoiler on two of the strongest candidates the SEC has had in recent memory, his quest to succeed in demolishing them both has known no bounds. Earlier in the spring Spurrier spread rumors around Dallas, Texas, Stafford's hometown, in the hopes of rifting his relationship with his then girlfriend, a high school sweetheart. Months later, in June, Stafford responded by dating one of Spurrier's neices in a high profile and short lived fling that ended up on the pages of a July issue of People Magazine.Spurrier's personal rivalry with Tebow has cooled, and no off-the-field tactics have been reportedly been used since Tebow won the Heisman this past December.Unfortunately Spurrier's Coup De Grace of recruiting Chris Smelley out from the under the University of Alabama (to make up for not getting a shot at Tebow) has panned out as less than successful, and as is common, Spurrier has been trying different options at Quarterback after being disappointed in the play of both Smelley, Tommy Beecher, and the other couple of no-name quarterbacks on his roster, trying out the punter who had played QB in high school junior varsity and also running several plays in practice each day out of the Wing-T. Look for a 6-WR spread offense again with whichever WR can throw best three yards behind center on opening night versus NC State. Kenny McKinley is poised to finish his career as the statistically best reciever in USC history, edging out Sidney Rice who he shared the field with his first two seasons.

tennessee: Fat Phil Fulmer's decade's old "relationship" with a pool boy of foreign descent ended this spring, apparenty on "amicable terms" according to the San Francisco Star, and many in Rocky Top are holding their breathe in concern on what ol' Fat Phil's mental state may be by season's start. TENN's inability to recruit a decent qb prospect since Peyton Manning will be obviously apparent this year, as even half-metally challenged Erik Ainge is now playing with blocks with a college degree and out of college, finally. Think of this season as Fat Phil's last time around the block. Many people are.

Kentucky: Boring.

Vanderbilt: Snooze button.

ALABAMA: Unlike Auburn, everyone in Tuscaloosa knows who the starter is. John Parker Wilson is back for his senior campaign, and watch for a competant season from him, and if any of Nick NITELITE Saban's miracle dust can rub off on any of his skill players, Alabama stands poised to take The West. QB controversies kill teams before the season begins, and that is the one thing that there is no question about in Tuscaloosa. There are a lot of other questions, such as, "Is Nick NITELITE Saban worth $32 million dollars? Can he beat Auburn? Will he stop being so mean to his players?" But those questions are all stupid.If you are anything like you, you spend a significant part of the off-season watching CSS Football Replays, and I am reminded of a sequence from a game I saw about a month ago. Alabama had just got intercepted a decisive pass and the offense was transitioning onto the field. The play was almost started before the defense called timeout, and as the players ran off the field Nitelite grabbed one of the linemen and started sceaming at him, ripping his chinstrap off of his helmet completely and kicking him not only off the field, but sending him to the showers. Because my experience with deaf people I could read his lips, which were saying something along the lines of "get the h*** off the field, I'm pulling your scholarship, don't even be IN the lockerroom when I get in there", and John Parker Wilson was trying to convince Nitelite that it had in fact been the other team that called timeout. Too bad for that kid. But that's the kind of "on-the-edge" coaching style that got Nitelite bestowed with the hatred and mire of almost every single person he has ever coached at any school or team he has ever worked at. You gotta love him. The Alabama Fans are still enthralled, but when his records start to reflect his totalitarian personality negatively, watch for him to dart Bobby Petrino-style to the best offer his agent Jimmy Sexton (who is also Bobby Petrino's agent) can scrounge up on a moments notice. Alabama wins the west because no one else in the west knows who their qb is gonna be, and by the time they figure it out, it will be too late.A star defensive tackle, remarking about Nitelite on CSS "Under The Lights", "He used to make grown me cry in the Pro's. What do you think he does to us kids?"

AUBURN: Tommy "The Riverboat Gambler" Tuberville's inability to man up and call his two quarterbacks in his office and walk out with one the clearcut starter and other the reserve/back-up is going to cost Auburn games this year. Maybe a few of them. Maybe all of the big 6. It will cost Auburn games in the future when it is difficult to recruit players to come to Auburn, especially Quarterbacks. It may cost Tommy Tuberville his job, faster than you can imagine. Kodi "Blunt" Burns does not have the arm that football-launching Chris Todd brings to the table. Either way, Tuberville would be better to pick one or the other and go with it rather than try the time-tested and always-failed technique of rotating quarterbacks(other than for specialty running plays). This will spell disaster for Auburn, and the season will be an embarrassment that will take years to recover from. Combined with a better than expected season by Alabama and we will be spelling TRAGETY in the headlines, this year, and for a long time to come.

LSU: Ryan Perriloux was poised to be a complete disaster at quarterback for LSU, a highly unstable and irradically behaved off-field imbriglio on track to be an embarassment to his Team, his School, his Family and his hometown Community. Having achieved that, LSU wisely decided to move on at quarterback, and Perilloux will be Jack State's mess to deal with. The QB situation is uncertain, and if they can solve it quicker (my guess, HATCH) and with more certainty than Auburn, look for a decent championship defense.

OLE MISS: Following what passes for "The Best and Most Reliable Information" coming out of Oxford, Mississippi, Houston Nutt has sequestered himself in the isolated outpost, possibly completely alone and strung out, using techniques that are beyond the pale of acceptable human behavior. With dictatorial control now over the entire football program, Nutt, in the words of one of his inner-cabal of yes-men and neophytes, "has access to too much money, too much equipment, and little by little we are all going insane."

Mississippi State: Sylvester Croom suicide watch, as usual, 24/7.

Arkansas: Bobby Petrino, who has the same agent, ironically, as Nick NITELITE Saban, is entertaining offers, as always. No offer is too ludicrious, especially the deeper into a losing season he plummets.

Pacific Northwest Bound Nitelite???

Is Nick NITELITE Saban Already Planning an Exit Strategy to the Pacific Northwest?
for 24-Hours of Propaganda

Several Sources close to the University of Washington have been leaking information to various media outlets in the last week to the effect that Nick NITELITE Saban, head coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide, has been in "what-if" talks with the UW football program.

"Nothing definitive," one source said, "Nothing indicating a specific time frame or immediate need for Saban to make a move."

Others are more explicit with explanations for his backhanded search for assurance of future employment. "There seem to be things in the Alabama Program that have Saban concerned, things outside of his control and probably woven into the fabric of football at Alabama." Said another source close to Mark Emmert, President of the University of Washington.

Alabama recently exited the probation era that saw them lose scholarships and bowl eligibility after being accused by, among others, Phil Fulmer of paying recruits to attend the University of Alabama. Also, the NCAA reportedly ignored similar allegations at Tennessee after Fulmer provided damning evidence against Alabama in 2000.

There have been unsubstantiated connections being made that the University of Florida and Urban Meyer somehow have a part in the unfolding Saban-UW drama, but nothing so much as a coherent storyline has developed as of this time.

Reportedly, Emmert has floated Saban's name to a number of UW boosters. He also has presented it as a "what if" scenario, painting a picture to boosters that goes along the lines of "the similarities with LSU and UW are eerily similar. both are once-proud programs fallen on hard times, with great resources and facilities. UW has a chance to provide a counterweight to USC on the West coast which has been pitifully neglected. As Willingham flames out---UW needs to commit to football, and we need to prepare to hire the best possible coach".

Saban signed a 8-Year, $32 million dollar contract with the University of Alabama January 4, 2007, and is expected to lead the once-proud Crimson Tide to the promised land. Saban agent Jimmy Sexton was unavailable for comment, as was the office of The President of the University of Washington.

Tommy Tuberville's Indecision Will Destroy Auburn's Season!

Tommy Tuberville's indecision will destroy Auburn football season!
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Despite affirming at SEC Media Days less than a month ago that a 2-quarterback system (aside from using a gimmick running qb on third down and goal line situations) is one that he whole-heartedly disbelieved in, Tommy Tuberville is not steering his ship any closer to chosing a starter, and essentially, a leader for his team. There will be a lack of focus early, and with big games coming quick in Auburn's schedule, any sort of stumble can be mega-disasterous.

Chris Todd, the veritable arm cannon, is competing for the starting job with the prototypical gimick running quarterback--Kodi "Blunt" Burns--whose effectiveness as a passer or leader has yet to be seen. And instead of deciding between the two sometime during-or-after spring practices and scrimages, thus allowing a summer and pre-season to gear toward a specific assemblage of skill players, the coaching staff has found it more wise to put off making this all-important decision until, presumably, opening kickoff.

Which is exactly what a team with many question marks on both sides of the ball needs to do more than anything. It needs to let lingering uncertainties fester in a sort of sargasso-like purgatory, letting the media hawkishly hover and peck at the obviously divine decision-making ability the new Tony Franklin offensive regime brings to the table. Obviously Tony Franklin's Undefeatable Patented Offensive System© is so good it doesn't even matter who run's it.

This is good news to Tommy "The Riverboat Gambler" Tuberville, who likes to know that his often sublimely idiotic decisions late in the game can be bailed out by an undefeatable© patented offensive scheme that is ran by over 275 high schools and universities. Surely no one has ever devoted ANY TIME AT ALL to devising a defense to defend against such tom-foolery.Only time will tell, and it seems that it is Auburn's die-hard fans who will be punished for the next few months.

Top Wide Reciever and Linebacker Prospects eye Auburn

Top Wide Reciever and Linebacker Prospects eye Auburn
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Jheranie Boyd, the number 5 wide reciever prospect and number 37 player overall rated by ESPN told AuburnUndercover.com on Monday that he has narrowed his choices to Auburn, Clemson, Florida, North Carolina and NC State. Boyd is an UnderArmour All-American who plays football for Ashbrook High School (2007 record 8-6) in Gastonia, North Carolina. Many feel the The 6-foot-3, 180-pounder, who totaled 47 receptions for 1,151 yards and 11 touchdowns while earning first-team all-conference and all-area honors last year, is North Carolina's top wide reciever prospect. Boyd sports 4.4 40-speed and a 40+ inch vertical jump.

Boyd says that one of Auburn's biggest selling points is Tony Franklin's Undefeatable Patented Offensive System©, which he says is a mirror image of what he runs now at Ashbrook.

Fredrick Douglass of West Atlanta, Georgia, linebacker Jonathan Atchinson appears to be one of the finishing touches of Auburn's 2009 recruiting class. The 6-foot-3, 215-pound Atchinson committed to the Tigers over Alabama, among other colleges. Rivals.com have Atchinson rated as the nation's number 59 outside linebacker prospect.

Auburn now has 23 commitments for its 2009 class. Atchinson is the fifth linebacker who said he intends to sign with the Tigers, joining Jonathan Evans of Prichard, Ala., Donald Ford of Odenville, Ala., Harris Gaston of Bessemer, Ala., and Eltoro Freeman of Perkinston, Miss.
Atchinson said he was informed by Auburn coach Tommy "The Riverboat Gambler" Tuberville that the Tigers were going to sign five linebackers. Atchinson said he wanted to be the fifth, as the Tigers have offers extended to several other top-rated linebackers.

Main Event III, Bigger and Badder than Ever

Main Event III, Bigger and Badder than Ever
by Michael Bernard
for The Corner News


The weigh-in for the August 23rd Main Event III MMA and Boxing Event is set for 8:00pm August 22nd at Roosters, and the fireworks might start early. Eddie Fielder of Alabama Boxing and MMA, the consultants on hand to set the matches for Main Event III, said, "We've got more than a few guys fighting each other this time around who just plain don't like each other. A couple grudge matches, not to mention the Heavyweight Title that will be up for grabs that night."

The Main Event and DJ Holleywood's Productions have been growing steadily, and this incarnation of Auburn's UFC-style event is expected to be bigger than any previous. Says DJ Holleywood, "This time around we've got fighters and teams coming from all over the Southeast, not to mention the return of local fighters from the first Main Event. I'm also excited that we are incorporating both Boxing and MMA into the same event, it's really great to bring the same type of mixed martial arts that people watch on Ultimate Fighting Championship for the community to see up close and personal."

Team Rush of Macon, Georgia, with undefeathed Tyler Caruthers in tow, will be in town facing off against, among others, members of Team Rage of Gainesville, Georgia. Chico Kamorra, regional MMA Analyst, remarks, "The guys over at Team Rush have a lot of good records, and a sterling sharp reputation, but you have to ask yourself--who have they been tested by? Going up against the kind of lineup that's set for Saturday Night might nick them up a good bit. I like what I have seen of Team Rage's style but haven't seen them in action yet."

Main Event III MMA and Boxing Event starts 8:00pm, August 23rd at The Best Western Hotel. Tickets are $15 for Regular Admission, $25 for Ringside, and can be purchased at The Best Western, Nutrition First, and by calling 1-888-834-7515. A special discount is available with qualifying purchases at Nutrition First. The atmopshere is good for all ages, and will include music and entertainment provided by DJ Holleywood, DJ Hard Work, with other special and surprise guests expected, as well as an event afterparty.

"We'll have a good idea after Saturday Night who is on The Rise in the Southeast MMA world," Kamorra promised.

Fun-damentally UnPredictable

Fun-damentally UnPredictable
by Michael Bernard
for The Corner News


After 10 years of shopping the script around Hollywood, writing team Evan Goldberg and Seth Rogan (Superbad, Knocked Up) take on the stoner movie genre with Pineapple Express. Tagged by studios and production companies as 'fundamentally unmakeable' due to its R-rating and juvenile target audience, the conventional wisdom now has to be questioned.

Rogan and James Falco star as potheads intertwined by that precarious relationship of pot dealer and customer, with Pineapple Express the primo pot that at one point is described as so good it is like 'killing a unicorn'. The priceless chemistry of the plot plays with the various annoyances the stereotypical pothead experiences, notably, Rogan barely likes Falco. Rogan's love life is equally diametrically hilarious, as his 25 year old character dates an 18 year old girl still attending High School.

While billed as a stoner movie, sometimes it seems to try too hard to reinforce this fact with plenty of gratuitous smoking. The plot thickens when Rogan's job as a process server crosses paths with The Source of the Pineapple Express. A way older than you remember over-the-hill Rosie Perez does well as a crooked cop.

If I had one real complaint, it is the eventual unresolved disappearance of the romantic plot. Also, the trouble our duo unwittingly fall into seems a far stretch--intercontinental pot war--even for stoner movie outrageousness.

The real story of the movie is the friendship that the Rogan and Falco develop while trying to overcome their widening predicament. Maybe one of the other effects of Pineapple Express is psychic power, as our duo magically evade the bad guys several times. So much so that the one
moment of self-analysis late in the movie where Rogan blames their trouble on being high sounds counter-intuitive.

The genius of this movie is in the awkward juxtaposition of characters and situation that
remind us of our own run-ins with common sense. Pineapple Express is not the new Half Baked, but definitely outshines less memorable and less hilarious ones that shall remain nameless. The final action sequence is cartoonish on a Tank Girl level. Express also suffers, as most comedies
do, by over-saturating the audience with the jokes and gags in never-ending TV commercials, to the point that by the time you see it in context in the movie, some things are no longer popping like burning seeds with humor anymore.

My favorite part is Falco's wardrobe, which my own friends would find oddly familiar. The best part--his 'shark-eating-fox' t-shirt. Fans of the previous Rogan-Goldberg movies will love this movie, with stoners who liked them enjoying even more. These guys are young, good, and making a niche audience for their borderline outsider slapstick routines, and here to stay as Hollywood's new In Posse.

X-Files Re-enforces all We Are Afraid to Believe

X-Files Re-Enforces all We Are Afraid to Believe
by Michael Bernard
for The Corner News


Mystery, wrapped in intrigue, sprinkled in enigma. David "Red Shoe" Duchovney makes his long anticipated return to the franchise and was worth the wait. Sure, Agent Dugget replaced Mulder at some vague point in the last season. We never accepted that. In fact, the only last season episodes I have ever watched was with my best friend Tuesday, during a marathon on FX we could not ignore.

As usual, Mrs "I didn't get inseminated by Aliens or be put in a coma by them" Dana Scully is here as always to be the cynic. Apparently I missed the part where Mulder returned from the dead and/or aliens. I saw one episode during that storied Tuesday Marathon where Mulder came back and died again.

The long established dynamic of conflict between our dual protagonists is ever-present.
Apparently, Scully has moved on. Mulder is still chasing phantoms. A mysterious plot develops, and Mulder and Scully are, as common in this mythology, caught in the middle. Religious overtones overwhelm, as the well-known poster in Mulder's office admits, We are left wanting to believe.

What kind of God would kill us all? Maybe the one everyone is searching for.

Cacti Saves The Day

Cacti Saves The Day
by Michael Bernard
for The Corner News
Published July, 16, 2008.


"It began with a phone call," Cacti's front man explained as my small party excitedly awaited the music's beginning, "Whoever was supposed to play tonight cancelled and as luck would have it, I know the guys who work up here and they recommended us."

Luck was on the side of the crowd, however, as we were all immediately grooving with Cacti's Medeski, Martin, and Wood influenced blend of acid jazz. The ambiance was pure coffee house, although the Ale House is much better known for it's selection of unique brews. Cacti is a five-piece band featuring, in addition to the usual guitar, bass, second guitar and percussionist a saxophonist, which is the first indication the casual observer may have that they are in store for something special.

"I'm not too familiar with this type of music," C.K. of Montgomery said in between songs, "but I really like it. All the musicians seem really talented, but the drummer is my favorite. I'm kinda partial to drummers, however..."

Even though it would seem that the most recognized formula for dance music these days would be hip-hop or techno, members of the audience were compelled into dancing to the vibe flowing forth from Cacti's versatile musical stylings almost from the first beat.

"It's really just a lot of fun to get to play in front of people who are enjoying the music as much as we are," Cacti's lead guitarist mused in between numbers, "I hope we get to do this again, with advance billing even."

I have no doubt that we can look forward to hearing Cacti again around Auburn very soon.

Off The Wagon Rocks The Capitol Sunday Night

Off The Wagon Rocks The Capitol Sunday Night
by Michael Bernard
For The Corner News
Published July 9, 2008

In the very shadow of the Alabama Capitol building, Off The Wagon hosted another in their long line of musical showcases sunday evening. Featuring Veil of Maya, A Life Once Lost, and Emmure in support each's new album, the music was hard and heavy.

Veil of Maya of Chicago, Illinois, began the night with their powerful riffs and gutteral vocals, and it was apparent to all that this was going to be a special concert. Off The Wagon was nearing capacity before the end of Veil of Maya's set, and I was among the many who felt like Veil of Maya had a chance to steal the entire show. Veil of Maya's new album, The Common Man's Collapse, is currently available via special release at Hot Topic.

"We've been around for about four years," Brandon, Veil of Maya's vocalist, said, "We were signed to Sumerian in September and have been on tour non-stop since November. It's really been a blast to be all around the country with all the other acts."

"This is our second show in Montgomery," Marc, Veil of Maya's guitarist, said, "The fans have been really supportive here and we look forward to coming back again."

Next up was A Life Once Lost of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and in addition to the blistering music, additional lighting and stage effects added to their adrenaline fueled performance. The Tony Danza TapDance Extravaganza was scheduled to play next, but they were unfortunately unable to perform.

Also facing their own challenges, concert headliner Emmure suffered the loss of lead singer Frankie for the night and the stand-in, who presumably is a member of the band's technical team, did a remarkably spot-on performance of Emmure's set mix of hits and songs off of the new album, The Respect Issue.

"This is one of the better venues in Montgomery," Joey Keith of Auburn said after the performance, "It's all ages and just the right size to get you close to the band."

Waverly Brings Out The Crowds Over Weekend

Waverly Brings Out The Crowds Over Weekend
by Michael Bernard
For The Corner News
published July 2, 2008


Photo by myspace.com/mississippijohndoude
Mississippi John Doude played acoustic and slide guitar showcasing his country/blues sound in Waverly last weekend.

“I’ve always wondered about this place,” said Emma Keller of Auburn after being asked if it was her first time to Standard Deluxe. “As long as I’ve been in Auburn I have asked so many people where they got the cute shirt they were wearing and it seems like they are always telling me Standard Deluxe.”

Standard Deluxe, and its 15 years of sought after work in uniquely designed overprint T-shirts and silkscreen posters, may be Waverly, Alabama’s best kept secret.

But what brought the ever growing crowd to normally sleepy Waverly Saturday night was the most recent in Standard Deluxe’s concert performances.

Watermelon and other goodies were available immediately after entering the door, and from the opening strums of Mississippi John Doude’s guitar and beat of his bass drum, it was immediate to all that the all ages fun was just beginning.

“I am really pleasantly surprised at the turnout tonight,” Doude said just before he took the stage. “I come from a place just like this, McCool, Miss., and you really would have a hard time finding a crowd this big coming to anything out there.”

Doude showed great musical range as he switched from playing his acoustic guitar to playing slide, and the energy and outlaw-vibe only intensified.

“Now we are having fun!” Doude exclaimed as he switched from the acoustic to the electric guitar and finished his set with a flurry of deep and energetic blues songs.

Next, despite electrical difficulties that delayed and then halted mid-stream their second song, Blue Mountain of Oxford, Miss., took the stage and their stylized blend of blues and other influences picked up right where Mississippi John Doude left off. At times a listener may be reminded of such diverse bands as Mudhoney all the way to Pink Floyd in just a few bars of music, and the crowd was enchanted with the musical adventure unfolding in the Alabama night.
Auburn’s own Dirtnap took the stage for the finale performance and provided one of their best performances in memory. The sizeable crowd, of a few hundred people, never stopped flowing in as the night progressed. For the many who had made their first pilgrimage to Waverly this night, excited about the next installment.

"Generation Kill" by Evan Wright

"Generation Kill" by Evan Wright
for The Corner News
by Michael Bernard


In arguably the best first-hand account written of the Conflict in Iraq to date, Evan Wright's "Generation Kill" is set to be released as a miniseries by HBO on July 13, and the book has already become a classic in the genre of war reporting. The book was originally published as a three-part installment in Fall of 2003 by Rolling Stone Magazine, and these original articles won the a National Magazine Award for Excellence in Reporting in 2004.

Wright joins the First Reconnaissance Marines during the initial invasion Iraq in March, 2003, and witnesses their retooled role as the "spearhead of awe" in the taking of Iraq's Fertile Crescent. The Marines, despite being highly trained special forces warriors, are in effect reduced to humvee-jockeying rabbits running ahead of the main invasion force provoking ambushes by the embedded Iraqi and foreign insurgent forces. Wright follows two months of the daily lives of a small squad composed of members of Bravo Company, who, despite their varying backgrounds and interests, perfectly embody the spirit of what Wright, on page 17, describes as our generation's perfect storm of influences that have caused us to become just detached and disillusioned with the realities of our modern world enough to become Generation Kill.

During the vagaries of the "fog of combat", instances of violence and tragedy take place involving innocent civilians, and one highly-ranked commander repeatedly, in pure blood lust, tries to murder his own men and civilians during the rush of combat. Through the clear eyes of Wright we can see that the realities of war have not changed, that despite our technology, best intentions, and excesses of heroism and sacrifice, conflict of nations mainly entails the pain and suffering of people far removed from the decisions that ultimately determine their fate.

"Hello-I'm Special: How Individuality Became The New Conformity" by Hal Niedzviecki

"Hello-I'm Special: How Individuality Became The New Conformity" by Hal Niedzviecki
for The Corner News
by Michael Bernard

Taking examples from such wide ranging cultural phenomenon as backyard wrestling leagues to "American Idol", from YouTube and Myspace to smorgasbord religion and Rebellion-As-Commerce, "Hello-I'm Special: How Individuality Became The New Conformity" by Hal Niedzviecki picks up right where Tyler Durden's impassioned soliloquies in the movie "Fight Club" left off.

We were, indeed, raised to believe we could do anything and be anything we wanted, living out our dreams of fame and fortune. Reinforced by almost every angle of popular culture, our ideal of becoming a celebrity center of our own personally revolving universe is now as common a yardstick for members of the Digital Generation as bank statements and a house in The Hampton's might have been for our forbearers. While technology has increasingly sped up the cycle of creation (and destruction) of the Popular Culture Myth, the psychological and social ramifications of many of the trends we are in the midst of evolving have not been better analyzed or more clearly articulated. Niedzviecki delves into the subject matter both humorously and very thoroughly, never failing to entertain as he shines the light on the darker corners of the full-extension of our shared cultural mythos.

Niedzviecki is himself a life-long "rebel", whose middle-class and conservative parents fostered a strong individualist streak, and as he approached the age of 30, Niedzviecki found himself wondering what is left to rebel against once individualism has become the overwhelming cultural imperative. An astonishing panorama of the very near future can be seen, and the vision is likely to horrify and amuse in equal amounts. Niedzviecki is tremendously talented with a reputation as one of the wisest and funniest writers working in this often ignored but vitally important field of research. As Sun Lzu's "The Art of War" states--"Know Thyself", and this book has more to teach us about our selves than many of us are ready to accept.

Another "Hulk" of a movie for Marvel

Another ‘Hulk’ of a movie for Marvel
Michael Bernard
For The Corner News
published June 17, 2008



Photo by movies.yahoo.com

With our ears and eyes just barely recovered from the excitement of “Iron Man,” Marvel Studios kicks off the summer tradition of highly-bloated, mega-mortgaged, super-million dollar budget blockbusters with “The Incredible Hulk,” not to be mistaken for the ill-received 2003 “The Hulk,” which was a failure none of us can be blamed for forgetting entirely.

This time around Edward Norton takes on the role as Bruce Banner, tortured scientist in pursuit of the cure for the radiation that has caused him to become an overly aggressive beast when properly motivated. The comic book movies are here to stay, with a long slate of forthcoming projects from Marvel Studios (not to mention DC Comic’s own Batman returning yet again in July), and it is easy to see why our long fascination with The Hulk continues.

After the ultimately disappointing results for the 2003 film, Marvel rebooted the franchise, and despite months of speculation that “The Incredible Hulk” would disappoint, the CGI-Fest is on with The Hulk battling a new nemesis, the Abomination, with pre-requisite explosions and a muddled love story in tow.

This time Liv Tyler, the daughter of General Ross (William Hurt), plays the object of The Hulk’s affections, and by the end of the movie I was left wondering if I was watching the video game being played by someone else as The Hulk and the Abomination culminate in their predictable final fight.

Sadly for me I have never been a big fan of video games, comic books, or superhero movies, but even so the movie does delight more than expected with the formulaic mix of laughs, thrills and intrigue.

If you enjoyed “Iron Man,” “Spider Man,” “X-Men,” “The Fantastic Four,” or any of “The Punisher” movies, then you will no doubt either be perfectly pleased with this movie or have the usual comic book fanboy laundry list of complaints about how the movie doesn’t word-for-word follow the comic books.